Even when you set boundaries and even when you make rules – everything and anything can be broken.
It always starts out so simple. Physical. Easy. But emotions tip toe their way in and create a large and tangled mess. I was left with so many pieces and you still seemed whole. You seemed fine, like you didn’t care at all. Did you care at all?
You weren’t my boyfriend – I wouldn’t have ever dared to call you my boyfriend. But we laughed a lot and we kissed a lot. And sometimes you’d put your arm around my shoulders at a party. And sometimes you’d tell me how much you liked me.
But did you even like me at all?
Nothing was ever defined so we were free to do as we pleased. No emotions and no ties. But there were so many emotions and broken ties by the end of it. There was an end, but I’m not sure there was ever a beginning.
Some days I blamed myself. And some days I blamed you.
You left me with so many unanswered questions and so many times where I had to compare myself to other girls. Especially when you actually did get a girlfriend. You actually liked her, you called her yours, and I couldn’t see why she was any different than me. I don’t know why she was better than me.
It’s a pretty interesting experience to get your heart broken by someone you knew you shouldn’t have let in in the first place. Because from the start you knew it was never going anywhere, but you placed your feelings in their care and dove head first anyway.
How do you even start to get over someone you weren’t even actually dating?
And even though I still mention you in conversation and maybe refer to you as an ex – you were never my boyfriend. But I still had to get over you. And I still had to watch you date other girls.
And I still had to pretend it didn’t bother me. I had to tell my friends I didn’t care.
But I did…and I still kind of do.