To: you.
Even when you set boundaries and even when you make rules – everything and anything can be broken.
It always starts out so simple. Physical. Easy. But emotions tip toe their way in and create a large and tangled mess. I was left with so many pieces and you still seemed whole. You seemed fine, like you didn’t care at all. Did you care at all?
You weren’t my boyfriend – I wouldn’t have ever dared to call you my boyfriend. But we laughed a lot and we kissed a lot. And sometimes you’d put your arm around my shoulders at a party. And sometimes you’d tell me how much you liked me.
But did you even like me at all?
Nothing was ever defined so we were free to do as we pleased. No emotions and no ties. But there were so many emotions and broken ties by the end of it. There was an end, but I’m not sure there was ever a beginning.
Some days I blamed myself. And some days I blamed you.
You left me with so many unanswered questions and so many times where I had to compare myself to other girls. Especially when you actually did get a girlfriend. You actually liked her, you called her yours, and I couldn’t see why she was any different than me. I don’t know why she was better than me.
It’s a pretty interesting experience to get your heart broken by someone you knew you shouldn’t have let in in the first place. Because from the start you knew it was never going anywhere, but you placed your feelings in their care and dove head first anyway.
How do you even start to get over someone you weren’t even actually dating?
And even though I still mention you in conversation and maybe refer to you as an ex – you were never my boyfriend. But I still had to get over you. And I still had to watch you date other girls.
And I still had to pretend it didn’t bother me. I had to tell my friends I didn’t care.
But I did…and I still kind of do.
Love: me.
Reblogged this on GUM: Growing Up Millennial.
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Yeah, I know that feel. I’m sorry to hear you do too.
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Luckily it gets better with time! ❤
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love or no-love.. it is a tough feeling.. but one thing is sure, it can’t be ever forget..
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very true! All relationships, no matter what kind, can take a toll on you
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Trying to get over someone you were never really “with” in the first place is the worst! It takes SO much longer to get over them. Urgh!
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So true! It’s like there’s no definite end so your emotions end up all over the place
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Exactly! No closure…I’ve been there as well
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This is absolutely perfect. I wish I could print this off and send this to my ex but not ex(s). That would be the best. Like you said above though, it does get better with time. Thankfully 🙂
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I always wonder if my ex/not ex (lol) reads these! It definitely does get better though 🙂
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Dude – me too! Ha. I seriously thought one of them had found my blog a month or two ago (when we were still …doing whatever). I had written something about him, so it sent me into a bit of a panic!
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lol they all know about my blog but I think they know better to ask me if a post is about them or not – still I get nervous when I start getting personal because I don’t know if they actually keep up with it
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Oh yeah, mine is pretty damn public ha. I’m sure they know about it on some level. Screw it! If they really knew you then they would know that the blog is just an extension of yourself 🙂 I think all your posts are brilliant and honest and gosh, I wish I had the courage to write what you write!
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This. So very true.
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I’m glad you liked it! 🙂
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Change the word boy in your title to girl and I’m right there with you. Thinking about her still stings some days and I feel foolish now when I look back on it, but it’s in the past where it shall stay. Really good post!
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Thank you! It’s so hard to keep it in the past, I definitely know how it feels – but good for you for keeping the past in the past 🙂
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It took me a while to get it to stay there, trust me!
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This is beautiful. And so true. Why do we do this to ourselves? Some days we regret it, some days we don’t. .. hmmm…
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I think we often do things without thinking about the consequences and hope everything will turn out alright – which doesn’t always happen. Thank you for reading 🙂
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this describes perfectly how I felt (and maybe still do) about a boy ii met last summer. it’s really hard. Sometimes I feel like writing it all out would be beneficial, others like it would be far too painful. either way, this piece is beautiful
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I always believe writing it down helps, even if you just delete it all after or never read it again. But thank you 🙂 I know it’s a tough feeling and it takes a long time for everything to go back to normal
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That’s for sure!
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