I Want To Be Alone But I Don’t Want To Be Alone

I didn’t really know who I was until about two years ago. Internally, throughout my teen years, I had a strong sense of self. I knew what I wanted but just didn’t know how to get it. I couldn’t externalize what I was feeling internally which made me very lost.

I thought I found myself when I found my first real relationship. I became very dependent on my boyfriend and didn’t really realize it until the relationship ended. I also became very aware of anxiety issues that I had been pushing off onto him. I also became aware to the fact that I like being alone.

It wasn’t completely new to me. I didn’t have a ton of friends in high school and I always enjoyed sleeping and just having time to myself. I justified the fact that I was truly alone a lot due to the fact that I had a boyfriend, so I wasn’t really alone when I spent most of my time with him.

I busied myself throughout college and made a lot of friends. Filled my time with activities, parties, boys, and acquaintances. When I graduated I realized I am still the person who loves to be alone. I would nestle in my alone time when I was hung over or all of my friends were in class, and I liked being alone. But I don’t really want to be alone.

I think back to how I enjoyed being busy in college. I think back to how I enjoyed having a boyfriend to depend on and spend all my time with. But I couldn’t imagine myself in either situation now. The idea of packing my weekends with plans makes me overwhelmed. The idea of dedicating my life to a boy makes me sick.

Because when I’m alone I can go wherever I want. I don’t have to answer to anyone. No one to text all day, no one to worry about, no one sitting in the back of my head telling me what is right and what is wrong. But when I’m alone I get really bored and I think too much. I idealize having a boyfriend and having someone to be with. As strong as that feeling can get, it goes away as quickly as it came.

Maybe I’m fickle. Maybe I just don’t know what I want – though, most times I feel that I do. All I know is I want to be alone. But I don’t want to be alone.

hc
photo by:https://www.flickr.com/photos/93003110@N02/

36 thoughts on “I Want To Be Alone But I Don’t Want To Be Alone

  1. I know exactly how you’re feeling! Sometimes you wished you had tried harder with those friends back in the days, other times you are glad you don’t have to put up with crap and get a lot more done due to being ‘alone’ etc. It’s a confusing feeling but always remember I’m not faraway if you need anyone to talk to ❤

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I’m so indecisive too! It’s social media which makes me wish I wasn’t so alone at times! Seeing other people having fun but then I remind myself it’s all so superficial

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I have always enjoyed being alone. I prefer it actually. The thought of not being in a relationship doesn’t bother me a bit. I suppose it might be different if I were younger but even in my 20’s being alone was fine. I find it refreshing to not have to answer to anyone but myself.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Yes! It’s finding that balance! I can totally relate which is why boyfriends don’t last too long lol buy I believe there is that person out there that you want to be with because you enjoy their company and maybe that person is so much like you that they get it and want to be alone too sometimes. I always wanted to puke over the couples who do everything together! Ugh! Lol

    Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s what you say… but then they are there… naked… you change your mind! Lol. But seriously, there are people who can be in the room and do their own thing and you know how to move around each other.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I understand your feeling. We all need that space for enjoying been alone…but we also need other people in our lives. So I’d say enjoy been alone now while trying to make a few new friends. Thanks for sharing

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I just turned 41, and I want to be alone, but I don’t want to be, alone! We all need alone time, yet in the same respect we need good people in our lives as well. It takes time to find a solid balance of the two, without neglecting the other. I’m still working on it, I guess I always will, but that’s life… 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Not everyone fits into a mold. It is important to determine what you can and cannot live without and then allow your self to… God has a plan for everyone. That plan is not all the same for everyone!

    Liked by 1 person

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