I didn’t really know who I was until about two years ago. Internally, throughout my teen years, I had a strong sense of self. I knew what I wanted but just didn’t know how to get it. I couldn’t externalize what I was feeling internally which made me very lost.
I thought I found myself when I found my first real relationship. I became very dependent on my boyfriend and didn’t really realize it until the relationship ended. I also became very aware of anxiety issues that I had been pushing off onto him. I also became aware to the fact that I like being alone.
It wasn’t completely new to me. I didn’t have a ton of friends in high school and I always enjoyed sleeping and just having time to myself. I justified the fact that I was truly alone a lot due to the fact that I had a boyfriend, so I wasn’t really alone when I spent most of my time with him.
I busied myself throughout college and made a lot of friends. Filled my time with activities, parties, boys, and acquaintances. When I graduated I realized I am still the person who loves to be alone. I would nestle in my alone time when I was hung over or all of my friends were in class, and I liked being alone. But I don’t really want to be alone.
I think back to how I enjoyed being busy in college. I think back to how I enjoyed having a boyfriend to depend on and spend all my time with. But I couldn’t imagine myself in either situation now. The idea of packing my weekends with plans makes me overwhelmed. The idea of dedicating my life to a boy makes me sick.
Because when I’m alone I can go wherever I want. I don’t have to answer to anyone. No one to text all day, no one to worry about, no one sitting in the back of my head telling me what is right and what is wrong. But when I’m alone I get really bored and I think too much. I idealize having a boyfriend and having someone to be with. As strong as that feeling can get, it goes away as quickly as it came.
Maybe I’m fickle. Maybe I just don’t know what I want – though, most times I feel that I do. All I know is I want to be alone. But I don’t want to be alone.