It took a lot for me to trust again after my first relationship. And then all the things that happened between that break up and you. All the ways I tried to get over heart break left me with zero trust.
I couldn’t put a label on anything. Swore up and down I didn’t want a relationship in college. Especially not another long distance one. I wanted to do the opposite of everything I had done the first two years of college. I thought maybe I was getting over that phase when I had met you.
I had hurt people, kind of purposefully but kind of on accident. I didn’t want to do that to you, so I refused the label of girlfriend and told you I wouldn’t commit. It drove you crazy and it drove me crazy that it drove you crazy.
We went through each other’s phones, accused each other of everything under the sun. I’d sometimes hint at wanting a relationship. But I had stolen all of your trust just as I had had mine stolen.
But I’m glad it didn’t work out. Even though you made me feel happy again, I was still so sad inside. And that projected onto you even if you don’t know it. I was going to hurt you badly and I did to a certain extent. It seems like I was using you and I wasn’t. I just couldn’t be the person you wanted me to be, I probably still can’t. And that’s why I stay away.
I’m glad it didn’t work out because I think we both learned a lot. I’m glad it didn’t work out because I didn’t want my problems to become your problems. I’m glad it didn’t work out because we never would’ve been fully happy together and I want you to find your happiness.