Republished from 5/21/15
I want to start living a more definite life.
I don’t know’s, maybe’s, possibly’s and eventually’s just aren’t cutting it anymore. The questions that come up in life can’t be answered with an “I don’t know.” That is our way of avoiding the question and putting off making an actual decision.
My ex used to answer most of my questions with an “I don’t know.” It started as him saying no to me about going to a party with me or coming to a dinner he couldn’t attend. When I would explain (or throw a fit) about how important the event was to me, he would say “I don’t know” or “I’ll let you know” instead of saying no to me again. The answer always ended up being no, but he didn’t want to make me unhappy. It inevitably ended up with me asking if our relationship was over and he would respond “I don’t know.” This left me clinging on to something I thought was alive, but he knew was dead.
We’re afraid of hurting people, making the wrong choice, and just in general screwing up our lives. Because of this fear, we leave everything up in the air until we’re forced to deal with it.
I became really unsure of my feelings throughout college and dealt with many things with an “I don’t know.” Did I want to hang out with a boy this weekend? I don’t know (because I don’t know if I’ll have met someone else by then). Do you want to be in a relationship? I don’t know right now (because you clearly aren’t the one).
I left a lot of people hanging and left myself hanging. I don’t want to live my life by avoiding my issues and not addressing my problems. I don’t want to put things off until later and feel so much anxiety when I reach that point. It’s a “yes” or it’s a “no” – I don’t know isn’t an answer anymore.