We all have bad habits or patterns when it comes to family, relationships, or friendships. For some it may be coming on strong too quickly, or being too selfish, or being too distant. For me, it’s the constant need to resist happiness.
I think it goes along the lines of imposter syndrome. I had really rocky friendships for most of my life, I have no childhood friends. I have my friends from college, they are absolutely amazing. But sometimes I doubt myself and wonder why anyone would even want to be friends with me? Am I even a good friend?
It’s this constant need to push away the happiness, to push away the good in my life before it becomes bad. I do it with relationships too. In my first real relationship, I was constantly pushing. I didn’t think it would ever make him leave though. It’s like I always need to test people, always need to see how far I can go before they don’t want to stick around anymore.
I catch myself doing it with my boyfriend now. Taking stabs and digs to see what will be the final straw so I can just be alone and miserable. At least I recognize the behavior now, but as well all know things are easier said than done.
A lot of us resist happiness, we don’t accept what we deserve. It can come from years of being mistreated or self doubt that has been bubbling. We have to push ourselves out of this sad comfort zone to allow people to love us and it’s a hard thing to do.
Rosie Culture 
I’ve been there, Rosie. I dealt with horrible bullying and harassment in school and it really messed me up for years mentally and emotionally. I had a very hard time trusting and I missed out on what could have been very beneficial opportunities and beautiful relationships because of my fears. It took years of hard work to come to the understanding that I am not who people say that I am. I am who God says I am. And so are you, Rosie.
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Beautiful post. You are doing amazing.
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Rosie, I relate to many of your posts but this one is almost like looking in the mirror. I am not an athlete, but I am a master at running away from people! I would call it being “safe” and it is but at what cost? Not only have I missed on potential happiness but I missed out on things I actually really wanted to do and experience. I’m trying to work through it now. It’s a slow and difficult process and I don’t know if I see myself doing a 180 but I am taking it one day at a time. Thanks for writing about this and being so open! And I wish you well!
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I have missed out on a lot too, I can definitely relate. Thanks so much for reading 🙂
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Honestly, related to this so much because I often find myself doing the same thing – both with the people in my life and opportunities that come my way with jobs or school.
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Kudos to you for being self-aware enough to know you do this and courageous enough to admit it! That’s the first step to fixing it. I have faith in you.
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Thank you 🙂
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Rosie, I know I say it all the time but, we are sooo alike, it’s scary. I constantly make stabs & dibs at boyfriend, too… just to see how much he can handle. I think even he has caught onto that now.
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Ugh not a good trait for us but at least we have guys we can handle it!
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It takes courage to be so vulnerable. Speaking of resisting…we resist being so vulnerable as we fear the consequences. What if my friend, partner or family member see me for who I am and they don’t like what they see? Rosie…you have stared that fear in the eyeball and you did not blink. I believe you have taken a brave step!
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