We all have bad habits or patterns when it comes to family, relationships, or friendships. For some it may be coming on strong too quickly, or being too selfish, or being too distant. For me, it’s the constant need to resist happiness.
I think it goes along the lines of imposter syndrome. I had really rocky friendships for most of my life, I have no childhood friends. I have my friends from college, they are absolutely amazing. But sometimes I doubt myself and wonder why anyone would even want to be friends with me? Am I even a good friend?
It’s this constant need to push away the happiness, to push away the good in my life before it becomes bad. I do it with relationships too. In my first real relationship, I was constantly pushing. I didn’t think it would ever make him leave though. It’s like I always need to test people, always need to see how far I can go before they don’t want to stick around anymore.
I catch myself doing it with my boyfriend now. Taking stabs and digs to see what will be the final straw so I can just be alone and miserable. At least I recognize the behavior now, but as well all know things are easier said than done.
A lot of us resist happiness, we don’t accept what we deserve. It can come from years of being mistreated or self doubt that has been bubbling. We have to push ourselves out of this sad comfort zone to allow people to love us and it’s a hard thing to do.