At my age, a lot of decisions I have to make seem like very final decisions. They seem like decisions that will affect the rest of my life.
If you’re dating, you have to decide if you’re going to commit because it’s getting to be around “that age” where people want to get married. If you’re finding a new job, it could make or break your future career. Are you buying a house that you can’t afford? Adopting a pet that will be with you for a long time?
Everything seems to need a commitment.
And it looks so easy for other people. They pick what they want and they stick to it. But it’s not that easy for me. I change my mind constantly. I won’t buy a house because I don’t want to be in the same spot for more than a few years. I don’t like consistency.
Maybe it’s not that easy for other people. Maybe you just took a leap of faith. You liked the person you were dating so you just dove head on into marriage, ready to tackle whatever comes your way. But for me, I just think about how much I am not ready to tackle. How my ever-changing mind doesn’t like thinking about something that’s supposed to be forever.
I’ve done the same thing with every single job I’ve ever had. When I take it, I just think oh I’ll be here 6 months then I’ll move on. Which hasn’t been true and I am starting to feel that kind of stuck feeling, like there’s no way out. Because I’m good at this and I should stay, but my brain wants to buy an airstream and travel and be alone, I want to fail and succeed in interesting ways and I don’t want to have to worry about holding anything else or anyone else down in the process.
How do you commit? Is it a leap of faith or just deep trust within yourself? Because right now, I have neither.