I doubt myself every day. I pretty much don’t feel like I deserve everything I have. Like if I have something good, I probably tricked someone to get it. I feel that way in relationships, in academics, and in the workforce. And I’ve been this way for a long time.
I think it stems in not having a lot of people believe in me growing up. I had a few teachers here and there but I never had a role model who told me I deserved getting into college or getting a good job. There was no one really to guide me.
In my last role, I kind of had it. That’s why I think I felt comfortable taking a promotion. But being laid off doesn’t really help the whole “confidence” thing.
And since I have such a strong sense of imposter syndrome, I counteract it with false confidence. Which I guess is a good thing because they kind of cancel each other out, but it’s exhausting to think you’re not good enough for something and then have to fake like you feel good enough for it.
It’s like a constant tug of war, and when my false confidence goes too far and I do something wrong, it feels like I’ve just exposed myself. Even though realistically I know everyone makes mistakes, I know not everyone can know everything – I still feel like I’m not good enough.