Rejection: The Ghoster And The Ghosted

Categories Break Ups, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 56 Comments on Rejection: The Ghoster And The Ghosted

Ghosting (verb): The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just “get the hint” and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested.

Let me start out by saying, I have been ghosted before and I have also ghosted slightly.

One way of ghosting someone you went out on a date with or hooked up with is just never contacting them again. Never answering their texts, deleting their friend requests, and basically ignoring their existence. If there seemed to be a serious connection, you had been on more than one date, or if you had sex – do not ghost someone. That just sucks. You can’t just ignore someone you got to know personally. It’s rude and childish.

I’ve been ghosted like that and all I can really do is shrug my shoulders and move on. It’s not really fair to not offer a slight explanation so that the person you’re ghosting doesn’t go crazy over whether you’re ignoring them or just busy. Or why you didn’t like them or why you didn’t even give a slight hint that you weren’t interested

I’ve never ghosted quite like that, but I have ghosted someone in the sense that I was hoping they would just get the hint. I would avoid making plans with them, take a long amount of time to text back (and let’s face it – we are all always on our phones), and would ignore texts here and there. Does it always work? No, not everyone gets the hint. And eventually it gets to the point where I just stop answering all together. Usually after the third or fourth ignored text they get it…but not all the time.

To back that up, I have straight up told people that I’m not interested, I think we’re too different, I think we have different priorities, etc. And they still don’t get the hint. They harass and feel hurt by it, which in turn makes you feel bad just because you didn’t have a connection with someone and you were trying to let them down nicely.

So don’t ghost. But also, if they don’t get the hint it’s not your fault. Sometimes, you have to stop answering. Show your disinterest in furthering the relationship or just explain why you don’t think it’s going to work. It’s up to both sides to be honest with each other and their own self.

56 thoughts on “Rejection: The Ghoster And The Ghosted”

  1. I’ve never ghosted someone that I’ve outright exchanged numbers with, but I’ll admit that I’ve done it more than a few times within a dating app’s chat/message function. And I only do it if I’m seriously offended by something they’ve said (in which case I unmatch them, too) or if the conversation just naturally dies. Otherwise I’ll find a polite was to say, “thanks, but no thanks.”

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    1. hahah I think the word “ignore” works just as well, but gotta keep up with the trends. That’s mainly how I choose to ghost, too. It’s just awkward when they don’t get the hint.

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  6. To all the people I ghosted, I am sorry. I should have just came out in open and upfront with the truth. After been a ghostee I have realised how cruel and selfish it it! It hurts so bad :”'(

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  7. Rosie, I think it is best to straight up tell someone that you are not interested at all or interested anymore. even though it may seem harsh or hurt, in the long run it is best for both parties. People have ego’s, and being ignored will send a person ego into an insane frenzy. Sometimes it has at adverse affect, ignoring someone, they turn crazy on your ass and text and call even more. I’ve had a couple windows smashed. Just my two pennies.

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    1. I totally agree, I think in my more immature days I just let the communication fade out. But now if I have gone on a date with someone or have been talking to them for a good amount of time, I try to just be honest. Rejecting someone isn’t easy no matter what you do

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  11. I wrote a couple of posts about this, and educated my married friends about it. I don’t ghost someone unless they have serious issues with respecting my boundaries that I have repeated for them over and over again. At that point I don’t consider it a true ghosting.

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  12. Haha…ghosting someone so maybe they could take a hint. Nothing wrong with that. Too bad most people need more than just hints to understand it’s not going to work out. I so don’t miss dating anyone.

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  14. This is not a new phenomenon. I’m an old guy, so before cell phones and Facebook, you might meet someone and get there number and never call them. I have also been the victim of the fake phone number. Of course, back then, that was the end of it with no social media or Google to find them and stalk them 🙂

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  15. I wonder if I was “ghosted” by my own boyfriend… lol This is a very fitting blog to my situation. Except how does one “ghost” their girlfriend… maybe I’m overthinking. I would make much more sense had he not kept saying he’s not ignoring me, offering apologies and even saying he still feels the same way about me, without me prompting him to say these things… yet, I still feel like I’ve been ghosted by my boyfriend…

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    1. My ex kind of broke up with me by ghosting me lol it’s definitely possible. He offered apologies and things like that basically because he was too cowardly to actually end the relationship. I hope everything works out for you! Some people just need time and I guess that could look like ghosting

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  17. I got ghosted by the guy I went on a date with few weeks ago and it sucks since I really liked him and he said that he had a good time and felt that we clicked (he kissed me), then radio silence. I asked him days later if he wanted to meet again some day and he said yes, but I told him to be honest and that I can handle the truth. I dont think that I will ever hear from him again even though he said that wanted to meet me again :/ Been 10 days… nothing! I will not write to him again!

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    1. Yea don’t waste your time! I had a very similar thing happen to me, we ended up going on a second date after not hearing from him for a while and then silence after that even though he asked me to hang out again. Guys like that aren’t worth going crazy over

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      1. Did he contact you or did you for the second date? Yeah I mean right now I’m focusing on me but we will see what happens right?

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      2. I think he ignored me for a while and then contacted me again. I was dumb for going on the second date since it was already clear he was a ghosted. I’m doing the same thing and it makes me way happier than forcing the dating life. Whatever happens, happens 🙂

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      3. Hm guys have no shame! I mean they are the one who initiated everything and kissing you yet they have the nerve to ghost you? In my case I gave the guy an opportunity to be honest and still he said yes. Why? He could have ended it there! GAH!

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  20. I’ve been ghosted which sucks. These were platonic friendships – not intimate relationships. I’ve also been ghosted on FB too by girls as well so when I say platonic I’m just referring to friendships. Any type of ghosting hurts – whether it’s a friendship or a relationship. I’ve been ghosted by both guys and girls. Ghosting sucks. Period.

    The only time I’ve ghosted was around ppl I didn’t personally meet or didn’t know, but they were being pushy and kept overstepping their boundaries. Another time a FB “friend” flat out blocked me without an explanation and another one ghosted even though I knew her from university. Still hurts, but I’ve moved onto more important things since. Best way to move on from anything is to stay busy/distracted with things that matter. I still wonder about whatever happened to these people, but then I remind myself why I quit social media – to get away from the memories or temptation to look them up.

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  21. I’ve had this happen to me many times through women I’ve met on dating sites, back when I was doing that. I think it’s frustrating and cowardly and dishonest… or, more specifically, it reveals that the woman was being dishonest when she acted interested in me in the first place. I suppose sometimes it takes actually meeting someone to realize that you are not interested, and while it would seem equally rude to get up in the middle of a date and take off, at least it would send a clear message.

    (But if you tell people clearly that you’re not interested, and they still don’t get the hint, then it is no longer your fault. Some people are just jerks.)

    I read decades ago in a psychology textbook (I’m saying this in 2021, not in character from 1996, because I hadn’t taken the class in question yet in 1996) about learned helplessness. Children who grow up in a family or classroom where consequences are administered arbitrarily and inconsistently get a sense that there is no way they can ever do the right thing to please the authority figure in question. Since the consequences are not consistently applied, the child does not learn what to do to be successful, and the child grows up with a sense that they will be a failure in anything that they do. I feel like I developed a sense of learned helplessness around dating. I went on many first and a few second dates that felt really promising to me, given the way that the woman was acting, only to be ghosted after that, or, at best, told that things were not working out with no explanation of why. With no communication about why things were not working out, I have no way of learning what to do differently, and no way to improve and do better.

    Of course, sometimes things don’t work out for reasons that can’t be explained in an academic way, but that does not make it any less frustrating.

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    1. The volume of people on dating sites makes it really hard to continue conversation with each and every person that reaches out, but I agree that once you go on a date that person deserves an short explanation on why you don’t want to continue to move things forward!

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      1. That’s a fair point about the volume of people on dating sites; I guess I never thought of it that way because so few of the women I reached out to even replied to begin with, so I never had problems keeping up with all the conversation. And that certainly doesn’t help me feel like any less of a failure…

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  22. I’ve had this happen to me many times through women I’ve met on dating sites, back when I was doing that. I think it’s frustrating and cowardly and dishonest… or, more specifically, it reveals that the woman was being dishonest when she acted interested in me in the first place. I suppose sometimes it takes actually meeting someone to realize that you are not interested, and while it would seem equally rude to get up in the middle of a date and take off, at least it would send a clear message.

    (But if you tell people clearly that you’re not interested, and they still don’t get the hint, then it is no longer your fault. Some people are just jerks.)

    I read decades ago in a psychology textbook (I’m saying this in 2021, not in character from 1996, because I hadn’t taken the class in question yet in 1996) about learned helplessness. Children who grow up in a family or classroom where consequences are administered arbitrarily and inconsistently get a sense that there is no way they can ever do the right thing to please the authority figure in question. Since the consequences are not consistently applied, the child does not learn what to do to be successful, and the child grows up with a sense that they will be a failure in anything that they do. I feel like I developed a sense of learned helplessness around dating. I went on many first and a few second dates that felt really promising to me, given the way that the woman was acting, only to be ghosted after that, or, at best, told that things were not working out with no explanation of why. With no communication about why things were not working out, I have no way of learning what to do differently, and no way to improve and do better.

    Of course, sometimes things don’t work out for reasons that can’t be explained in an academic way, but that does not make it any less frustrating.

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  23. I hate ghosting, and definitely am guilty of doing it. But I find whenever I get ghosted I always find myself thinking about that person much more than I would have if he was interested. Maybe i’m just self destructive haha

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