Why We Settle And Why I Get It

Categories Relationships, , , , , , , , , , , , , , 65 Comments on Why We Settle And Why I Get It

Relationships are a fragile thing. One string becomes frayed, it gets snagged, and the whole thing unravels into your hands. You never saw it coming.

Basically since the start of this blog, I’ve expressed my fears on settling. Especially settling for someone you don’t really love. Settling for less than fireworks, all in romance, and perfection in a relationship.

It’s easy to see how often relationships don’t work out. People get married at 24 and 50 years later they hate each other but still live under the same roof. They have kids and argue in front of them. They get a divorce and live bitterly.

They miss out on a chance at happiness and a fulfilling life because they settled. They tried to make something work that just wasn’t going to work.

We get to an age where we’re supposed to get married. It’s the time to settle down. You need someone to move in with, you need extra health benefits, you need the extra paycheck, your biological clock is ticking etc. etc.

It’s a far from romantic notion and I hate it.

But now, I get it. Dating is really hard, especially when your life is consumed with work, family, and friends. It’s difficult to meet new people and make time to get to know new people.

It’s so much easier just to pick the first person that comes along. Someone that you’re reasonably attracted to, have an okay time with, has a steady job and future, and is also ready to settle down.

Just basically point your finger at the person and say “that’ll do.”

And though I hate the whole idea of settling, I think a majority of us do it. I’ll probably do it. Because in this difficult world, a sense of comfort is needed and we don’t have the time to search high or low for the “perfect” person to sleep next to at night.

65 thoughts on “Why We Settle And Why I Get It”

  1. Settling is a concept I don’t think I understand very well. Mostly because I feel like its based on an assumption that who you picked isn’t the right person and that someone else is, when in reality I believe that there are many potential matches for any one person. I mean, how likely is it that only one person in seven billion would be your end all and be all? So I think that people pick different people at different stages of their life, finding people who mesh with them and all their needs at any given time…and then move on when they need to. Settling would only really come in then when someone DOESN’T move on…even though they want to and are ready to.

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    1. I don’t know if I believe you have more than one potential match, though I definitely see the logic in it. I’m just a big believer in fairytale love. I completely agree with you though, the thing is a lot of people tend to stay in a relationship or not move on because it would be harder for them to find a new relationship rather than stay in the one they’re in. I know a lot of people who are only dating/engaged/or married because they were together when they graduated college and there’s really no definite reason to break up.

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  2. I would never settle. That said, I understand that relationships take work and you need to actively love the person you’re with every day. In the beginning it is fireworks (if you’ve found a good person) and that can fade, but it only takes a little effort to bring it back. Planned spontaneity (which is not an oxy-moron) and a little attention can make it so you never feel as though you settled. Haing been seriously and genuinely IN LOVE more than once in my life, I know that the only time I was truly unhappy is when I settled for someone.

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    1. This is a really encouraging comment, thank you! I really never thought I would settle because I did in a previous relationship and was severely unhappy. Dating is just so hard, but maybe I just need to be more patient.

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      1. I would. Love can come easy unless you make yourself unavailable to it. The only tattoo I have (I have for many reasons) I got the day I filed for divorce from my first wife who I settled with. It serves as a reminder never to make the same mistake.

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  5. I 100% believe that there is more than one person out there for us! Mainly because I found two people (by complete chance) that I completely 100% fell for and would pick time and time again if I could. Because of that, I am not totally opposed to settling…but I don’t think I would ever do it for a long time. Sure, I’ve done it before but both of us sort of knew that it wasn’t going to work out. I would rather be alone forever if that meant that I was kind of ‘blah’ about my relationship though. No deal! I totally believe that some people do settle just because they have the same dreams or “are ready” for a certain stage in life though. No doubt.

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    1. Hmm that’s something I have to think about more, I like to think that the one you end up with is “the one” and all the rest don’t measure up. But I definitely get your point! Dating is just tricky lol

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  6. I have re-typed my comment like 100 times and can’t seem to say what I want!

    So first- I love this post:-)

    Second: My thoughts on relationships: I don’t think the goal should ever be to find the “perfect one”…or the two…or the three! The goal should be about but finding your own happiness. Maybe that is with a boyfriend…maybe it is with a job, with a child, traveling, reading, creating….Whatever! But trying to find happiness by only attempting to fit into life’s traditional trajectory (dating, getting married…living “happily ever after”) is where I think people get tripped up and eventually feel like they are settling.

    Find YOUR happiness…no one elses.

    Happy Holidays!

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    1. haha thank you 🙂 I whole heartedly agree. I think to find happiness with someone else, you need to be happy with yourself. But it’s also very easy to think that finding a boyfriend might solve all your problems when that usually isn’t the case!

      Thanks for commenting and happy holidays!!

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      1. Finding or having a boyfriend isn’t near close to being happy. I feel happiness should be on a long term basis. It shouldn’t be on a short term basis. What I mean is, you can find happiness anywhere, anything can make you happy but you need to be able to determine which is more important. Something that adds value to you. Some people feel having a boyfriend is a dream goal, or having someone to propose marriage to them is a deal breaker. I honestly don’t blame them, I feel society has made them see things differently. Firstly you don’t need anyone to make you happy cause that’s gonna be temporary. You need to do you and do whatever makes you happy in mind that the happiness you want to sort for should be a long term thing. I enjoyed the read .

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  7. Jeeez girls, you really need to meet your true love. I can see you have not idea what are you talkin´ about, since you didn´t meet the right person yet.
    Well, true is, that not everyone is so gifted to meet his second half, but as soon as it comes, everything change in an instance! I was exactly like you – determined to never fall into commitment of marriage. But then I met my husband 🙂 So I understand to you, and of course understand that it is not easy to keep relationship happy in a long distance in this world. Nowadays trends are quite opposite – people are pushed to think that it is cool to be independent individual without any responsibilities who prefers to give up on any relationship which does´t work perfectly. They are pushed to think that rather to repair things, you should rather buy new one and that applies for relationships as well. Maybe I´m just romantic too much, but I can definitely see how it can affect the adult life of kids, when they come from broken families.
    Anyway, Rosieeek great blog and great reads are here. Wish you good luck and happy blogging 🙂

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    1. Thanks for stopping by and reading 🙂 I do agree that maybe when I meet the right person, things will change. But a lot of people my age are very independent so relationships aren’t a main priority right now. I see so many people who just get married out of convenience rather than true love – but I’m glad you found a perfect partner and you are proof that love still exists so I’ll stay hopeful 🙂

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  8. Don’t settle and don’t be pressured. Go out, enjoy life, pursue your passions, focus on being the best you possible, and hang out with like-minded people. The right person will cross your path and you’ll know it when it happens!

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  9. We shouldn’t settle! We are worth far more than that.

    Settling down just shows that we are impatient and not willing to wait for the right person for us.

    I think it’s better to be alone and happy than together or married and unhappy.

    Plus we shouldn’t need someone to define us or make us feel good about ourselves anyway.

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      1. That is so sad but so true. I believe that you are right.
        I don’t understand why our culture feel the thing to stigmatize “single” people.
        There is nothing wrong with being single!

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  11. I know I’m a year late commenting on this but this couldn’t pinpoint my life right now any better. I don’t think there is just one person for us, and I think all of my past relationships served a purpose.

    Being single in my twenties was fun… but being single in my thirties is difficult. The guys that are still single also still have that “fuck boy” mentality, and when they know you already hit the 3-0 mark, they don’t even give you a chance to reject them.. some of them just think I’m trying to get pregnant. The other single ones I feel like are still single for significant reasons, and it’s like a game trying to figure out what’s wrong with them.

    Whether you loved and lossed, or never loved at all.. at some point you become tired and pointing to someone and saying “that’ll do”… seems a little better than those lonely trips to target on Friday night for things you don’t even need.

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    1. I totally feel ya. I also sometimes think our expectations end up getting so high as we go through each person that when we finally get someone who we can tolerate and be comfortable with, we just take it. Settling isn’t always a bad thing, but it can seem that way when you’ve weeded through so many fuckboys just to end up in a relationship that isn’t straight out of a Nicholas Sparks novel lol

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  13. I settled. Don’t settle. It’s not worth it. I’m currently going through a divorce and if I could do it all again, I would have kicked him to the curve from the second I told him he’s not my type and he kept pushing to prove otherwise. Ultimately, the same reasons I gave initially are why it didn’t work and why I put him out of the house. Lesson learned!

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  14. Hope you find someone you’re passionate about someday. Living this way has blessed me with amazing relationships but also some broken hearts (current one’s a doozy!) so maybe it’s not for everyone. Good luck with your life and it was nice to happen upon your post.

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  16. I’ve fallen into this trap twice, and both times, I have been married and been in a DV relationship. I took so much time to myself and really got to know me, and my worth and the right man came along, and it doesn’t feel like settling

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  17. I see what you’re saying, and you really do have an interesting perspective on this matter that I enjoyed reading about. I tried to settle once, and I wound up sending the person to prison. It’s a long story, but they pulled a knife on me and stabbed me. It was a very abusive relationship. After that, I gave up and accepted the fact that I would be “forever alone.” Almost a decade later, by coincidence, I met my husband who was the exact opposite of what I thought was “attractive.” But as time went on, I found that I loved him so much and cared deeply about him and actually did find him incredibly attractive. I was one of the lucky ones that didn’t have to “settle” for someone. Instead, I found my soulmate. I can’t imagine my life without Shawn in it. I hope that you find your someone too, and thank you for sharing your thoughts with us on this topic 😊

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  18. Settling is fine. It’s just what comes after it is weird like at some point or another you get thoughts that is that all i wanted? could this have gotten any better? that goes on with life. You just somehow have to find happiness in things and be grateful of what your partner does for you. Then it gets hard at times but you get along with it, knowing that life is not perfect.

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  23. As of now, I’ve been single for 3years. Haven’t gone on any single dates but I did talk and get to know some good potential bachelors. Most of my friends are married and have kids but as for myself, I don’t feel the need to have settled just yet. I do believe in love and I’ve been in committed long-term relationships and even almost got married. But right now, I just don’t think marriage is one of my priorities or needs. Relationship need works. Plenty of hard work. And at the moment I just want to work on my goals and dreams. Of course, I want to be in a relationship and have my own family. But if the timing is not right, I don’t find a reason for needing to rush for it, only because of social pressure or age factor. When you’re in a relationship it’s for sure a rollercoaster ride. And knowing myself, pain and heartbreaks can cause a lot of disruption in my life. Even tho there’re times when I do miss being in a relationship but I don’t know how to do casual dates or casual relationships 🤣 So yeah better to save it for later.

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  24. Settling is definitely comfortable initially, but as you pointed out in the beginning, it will lead to unhappiness.

    I think about this often and I am totally fine staying single until I meet that great match. I don’t care if I meet them when I’m 50 and we only get 15-20 good years together.

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  26. Yes, I quietly agree with you. But, in that same case, I have to argue a bit. settling with hubby or whatever is very interesting but depends on what you have in mind and what is in your mind at that moment. From unset settling has never been an easy assignment. Sometimes it may begin with passionate love, but with time when love begins to fade different characters begins to materialize. In that case, the next alternative is to apply wisdom for you to secure your home.

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  27. I love this point. I think settling can happen unintentionally based on the where the person is at in his life. I think some cultures you can’t even avoid in. I believe there is only that one person. And I believe some won’t ever get to meet them.

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  28. Please don’t do it. I know it’s the easy thing to do and I know that no one wants to be lonely, but you can be alone and be happy. Or you can have a string of relationships and be happy. Or you cannot settle but learn how to compromise. They’re different things. I am wishing you the latter!

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  34. If you’re compatible with your partner, you’ll have a great time. But getting the timing right can be difficult, there is no doubt. I loved this fresh perspective, I might write a similar piece. If you have a few minutes, I would love for you to check out my blog 🙂

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