The Hate That Can Come From Love

Love can change us. Young love shapes us, quick love pleases us, the love that’s here to stay grounds us. But I don’t think anything changes you more than the hate that can come from love when everything goes wrong.

I have loved people in situations that didn’t end poorly. We lost touch and I still hold them in my heart. Our interactions changed me, knowing that I always have and had a person who cared for me like that is warming.

But I’ve loved a lot of people that ended very very badly and nothing has impacted my life like the hate that stems from that kind of ending. It has happened with family, it has happened with friends, and it has happened romantically.

When I was young, I felt misunderstood a lot which resulted in me feeling betrayed by the people I put my heart into. The hate that stemmed from not getting along with my family followed me into high school. I didn’t put myself out there, I wasn’t a nice person, and I made it a point to not enjoy anything.

Which lead to more people betraying me – friends who didn’t care about me as much as I cared about them. Friends I dropped as soon as my graduation cap came off. Friends that hindered my ability to make friends in college. I didn’t know who truly liked me and who didn’t, I didn’t have anyone to confide in. Except a boyfriend who betrayed me.

A boyfriend who held me back for years. A boyfriend who wouldn’t let me end things with him early on. A boyfriend who shrugged me off his shoulders and never looked back when the relationship ended. And that resulted in the most hate I have ever felt, the hate that stems from really strong love. The hate that ruins your life.

For years, I carried it with me. I wouldn’t commit to anything or anyone but myself. And while I grew a lot from that, when I got out of it I realized how much I had changed. When my relationship was on the rocks, I still had high hopes and was in the process of meeting new people. The boys who gave me attention when I was in the relationship were shocked by the person I was out of it and the baggage that weighed me down after the break up. I had been happy go lucky, I didn’t have worries before the break up. I didn’t have to impress anyone because I had a person.

I didn’t have any security and zero trust. I let it change me for years, trying to love people while I healed and just returning to that same hate. Once I was past the phase of using people to make myself feel better and started getting used to make others feel better, I took a break to be by myself. I took a break and found that happy go lucky person again. And I hate that I carried that hate for years, let it change me, let it make me someone I’d never want to be.

But when you have a strong emotion like love and it ends, strong emotions follow and it’s not always pretty.

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Taking A Step Back From Instagram

I started my blog a long time ago, mainly focusing on relationships and break ups and hoping I was helping other people through what I was going through. And since it’s transformed, it’s more general but I’m still trying to help people through what I’m going through.

I’ve always been a writer, I’ve always been better about hiding behind my words instead of standing in front of a camera. Being an influencer and a blogger goes hand in hand, so I started building my Instagram following and taking on sponsored campaigns. It was fun for a while, but now it’s just work.

I have a blogging epiphany like every 3 months and recently I was staring at my Instagram feed and was noticing what people liked about it and what they didn’t. I was mostly noticing that 90% of my following doesn’t even interact with my posts, but the 10% that do really care about what I’m doing. That’s when it hit me.

I don’t want people to follow me just because I’m following them and I don’t want to follow people just so they follow me. I’ve recently started unfollowing hundreds of accounts, from mommy bloggers, to people who don’t speak the same language as me, to style bloggers who dress a world’s outside my budget. And I’m actually starting to enjoy Instagram again and seeing people who actually inspire me.

Now my 10% who cares has my focus and they are who I really want to target and inspire. Even though my numbers will drop and that will mean less sponsored posts, I’m so much happier creating content on my terms. I’m hoping this will relieve the stress I feel from a stupid app.

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The Best Of My Work Blog Posts

Once you’re in your twenty-somethings, it’s impossible not to talk about work. Here are some of my best work blog posts, hope they offer you some kind of help or hope that you’re not the only one struggling!

First Day of Work Thoughts

Moving On Professionally

A Guide To Quitting Your First Job

How to Disconnect From Work

 

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My Completed Winter Bucket List

I will be the first to admit that my winter bucket list was way too ambitious for someone who was moving out of state and starting a new job. I like to push myself in the winter months though because I tend to get lazy. I did pretty well, but I’m looking forward to including some of these items on my spring bucket list and knocking it out of the park.

  1. Move to New Hampshire!
  2. Learn to play guitar
  3. Go to the gym 3x a week
  4. Text my friends at least once a week
  5. Go to a concert
  6. Read 5 books
  7. Be more productive after work
  8. Start journaling again
  9. Keep my blog stats up
  10. Go on a weekend trip
  11. 7,500 Instagram followers
  12. 650 Facebook likes
  13. 2,000 Twitter followers
  14. Make at least one snow angel!
  15. Get a new piercing
  16. Finish my photo album
  17. Send “we moved!” cards to friends and family
  18. Explore one new town in New England

What’s one thing you did this winter that you’re proud of?

How To Disconnect From Work

I used to never have an issue with a work/life balance until I was promoted and took on more responsibility.

I didn’t spend the hours after work thinking about my day and what my next day would look like. I wasn’t brainstorming ideas for a project. I wasn’t thinking about how I was going to answer those emails, but now work follows me home and it’s extremely exhausting.

If you’re like me and need to disconnect from work, here are some things that have helped me:

Set your hours – unless I have a special event or something, my hours are 8:30 to 5. There is wiggle room, but anything outside of those hours I am not doing work.

Delete email from your phone – I don’t sync up my work email to my phone. I can check it if I log in online, but that’s a much lengthier process than just opening an app. I don’t let myself check email outside my working hours.

Take the PTO – I never had a problem taking my time off until now. Even though I know things will continue just fine without me, there is a level of guilt when taking time off and shirking responsibilities.

Stop talking about work – when I’m not at work, I don’t talk about work. Sometimes my boyfriend and I will exchange complaints. But we don’t harp on the topic of work after work hours.

Unplug in general – after work is a great time to leave your phone in the other room. My work temptation stems from my phone so I try not to stay with it after work is done.

Remember your job is important, but your mental health is more important. Don’t get too caught up in living to work.

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Boston Day Trip

Yupp, I’ve never been to Boston! My boyfriend is a big Boston sports fan and has been to the city tons of times, so it was exciting to do a small day trip and explore with him!

Places we ate:

  • Pavement Coffeehouse
    Well I forgot I wasn’t in NJ anymore and got a bagel here which was a big thumbs down along with their prices and mediocre coffee
  • Union Oyster House
    YUM! Despite the fact that this place was built for ants, their food is amazingggg and well worth the trip.

Places we went:

  • Buffalo Exchange
    I’ve seen so many ads about this secondhand store lately. While I was waiting to sell my clothes, I browsed what they had and wasn’t too impressed. My boyfriend found a good shirt and jacket, but they didn’t buy anything from me.
  • Paul Revere’s House
    We didn’t go inside, but it was nice to walk the Freedom trail for a bit!
  • Quincy Market
    Cute little place to stop for a quick bite or little doodads.

I’m looking forward to doing more Boston exploring since we live so close now, but it was nice to get a little day trip under the belt! Do you have any suggestions as to what we should do the next time we’re in Boston!?

Dealing With Embarrassment

I’m embarrassed all the time. And when I get embarrassed, it never leaves my mind. Most recently I’ve had days where everything is going right and I’m so thrilled and then one little thing will happen that throws the whole day off. Like when someone scolded me for dragging some chairs on “historical” floors or when I tried to open the door for a blind person and ended up making things way more complicated. I think about those things all day, I think about them years later.

But I recently read this: think of all the times you’ve been embarrassed, now think of a time when someone else was embarrassed.

It’s hard to remember. I’m thinking back to college, trying to remember the weird or ratchet things some of my friends did. And while a few things come to mind, I don’t know how embarrassed by it they were.

And no one else remembers those things that embarrassed you. The guy who scolded me won’t remember me after a few days go by, the blind person who deals with difficulties every day won’t remember me. We are so wrapped up in ourselves and the things we do, sometimes we just need to let it go.

It is never as bad as you thought it was and no one else will even remember it. Embarrassment is a part of life, but you can’t let it eat you alive.

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