Do What You Have To After A Break Up

How do I know when a girl just went through a break up? She starts posting selfies, deep quotes and poetry, and sharing Thought Catalog articles about how being alone is better (at least share my blog posts guys, come on). And then all of her relationship pictures start to fade from her social media. Her profile picture changes to a solo pic or a photo of a girl’s night out. And the status quietly changes to single.

It’s all a little cliche. That whole dying your hair a wacky color after a break up to try to change your identity. People talk about it all the time and poke fun at the girls having their poetry induced break through. They talk about how much she’s changed and how funny it is that she never used to act that way.

Well, they change because break ups change you. They force you to look at yourself as a lone person and understand who you truly are. Maybe you are a blonde at heart, a party girl, or an independent being.

Who cares what anyone else thinks? As if they’ve never had a life shattering break up, as if they’ve never hit their single and ready to mingle phase.

We’re all guilty of it, and even if we weren’t, girl, DO YOU! Do what you have to to find yourself,  to feel better and move on. If you have to make out with a lot of people, do it. If you have to talk crap on your ex, do it. If it makes you feel better I did it on a blog for all of the world to see, you can just do it in a group chat. Or start a blog. Why not?

If you have to share poetry about fueling your fucking fire, shout out Christopher Poindexter, then DO it. No one can tell you how to heal. Don’t ever feel silly about the things you are doing to better yourself and move on. I’m rooting for you and every girl who has had their life changed by a break up is rooting for you.

hc
Photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/samuelyoo/

Accepting Break Up Blame

I don’t like my exes, not a single one of them. My relationships/spurts of dating/long-time hook ups ended poorly often. I might’ve not liked them even before we broke up. Sometimes I stopped liking them during the break up process. Other times, we were friendly for a while, but I ultimately stopped liking them. Mostly due to resentment over any mistrust, being cheated on, or just seeing them be happy when they didn’t let me be happy or caused me to be unhappy for a while.

You may think that because I don’t like them, it probably means they did something wrong. And that’s true, but the bad blood doesn’t fall all on them. As much as I’d like to sit here and play victim, I wasn’t always innocent.

I didn’t cheat, I didn’t intentionally try to hurt people, but I did let things go on longer than they should’ve. I did put a lot of time into things I knew weren’t going to work, did act one way and say the opposite.

I accept some of the break up blame. In most cases, I did the breaking up because I either recognized my faults in the relationship or the guy I was dating at the time did something to screw everything up.

I’ve written a lot about my exes, I’ve written a lot about how much I resent them and how far I’ve come since them. But I’ve shrugged off a lot of the blame until now. I might’ve not been the problem that caused us to break up, but I was part of the problem. All I can do now is move on and grow from it and wish them all the best of luck.

hc
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/hernanpc/

How Hopeless I Felt When I Was Single

I’m not sure why being single seems like it’s the end of the world. I guess no matter how hard I looked at it, no one looked as happy when they were single as they did when they were in a relationship.

There was a good chunk of time for me when being single was like torture. There was also a time where I held onto it real tight, avoiding every relationship possible.

But I never really stopped feeling hopeless. When I was happy being single, I still got lonely. My friends all were in relationships and when they were off doing their boyfriend/girlfriend thing, I was alone. It taught me to be by myself, but it made me think I would always be by myself. When I started to become comfortable alone and do well by myself, I felt even more hopeless that I would never find what my friends had. That I would never find what I was reading about in books or binge watching on Netflix.

And when I was sad being single, I was more than hopeless. I felt that I was hard to love. There had been a time where I had given the boy I loved everything. But then I felt like I had nothing left to give.

It’s normal to feel hopeless when you’re single, whether you’re happy or sad. But even when you give up on yourself, the person that’s right for you won’t be giving up at all. It takes time, patience, and a lot of learning. But you’re not hopeless.

hc
Photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/james_sickmind/

I Can’t Blame Anyone But Myself

After a break up, you want to blame everyone else but yourself. You want to blame the girl he cheated on you with. You want to blame your family for not telling you sooner that he sucked. You want to blame your friends for not pulling you away. You want to blame him for the person that he is.

But in the end, when all is said and done, I really can’t blame anyone but myself. I can’t blame anyone else for the way I began to change to fit the mold of my relationship. The way I stopped caring about myself, the way I made the world spin around this “perfect love.”

I can’t blame the girl he cheated on me with, she’s just another victim to his tricks. And I can’t blame my friends and family because we all know I just wouldn’t listen.

I can’t blame him for what he did to me. Because I let him cause me that pain. I let someone treat me like dirt. I let the relationship consume me to the point where I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I’m not someone who likes to fight, I’m not someone who wants drama, I’m not someone who dedicates their entire life and soul to someone else. I can’t blame anyone but myself for becoming that person.

It’s true you brought out the worst in me and it’s true you treated me poorly – but I can’t blame anyone but myself.

And in that sense, I owe everything to myself. Because I am stronger, better, more aware. I moved on from those past relationships and became the person I wanted to be again.

I owe a lot to my family, I owe a lot to my friends, I owe a lot to the people that broke me down so far that I had to pick myself up again. Mostly I owe it all to myself. I did it, I recovered, and I am better.

And while I can’t blame anyone but myself, I also can praise myself. And congratulate myself. And be proud of myself. Because when people knock you down, you can pick yourself up eventually and that’s all that really matters. That you keep moving forward.

hc
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/gabrielap93/

Getting Hurt vs. Hurting Someone

No one wants to get hurt. No one wants to put their heart on the line when there’s a possibility of it getting smashed. Unanimously, we can all agree that we do not want our hearts broken.

But when it comes to breaking someone else’s heart, there is so much less thought put into it. We are so concerned with protecting ourselves that we forget that there are other people who matter.

And while most people fear getting hurt, I fear hurting someone. I think I’ve felt heartbreak hard enough that it doesn’t bother me anymore. I put my love slowly into situations, I’ve learned how to escape without any cuts or bruises. But the thought of emotionally hurting someone else is terrifying to me. I don’t just tip toe into relationships for myself, but I do it for my partner.

Because if you’ve ever been on the giving side of a break up, you know that it sucks. You never wanted to let someone down. You feel like you’re letting yourself down.

So when the next possibility of a relationship arrives, you don’t want to let them down either. You keep your guard up, in hopes that they’ll keep their guard up too. Because if you don’t let them in all the way, maybe you won’t disappoint them. Maybe you won’t emotionally hurt them, too.

To the point where you would rather feel heartbreak all over again than feel yourself breaking someone’s heart. Getting hurt is never fun, but hurting someone else is a whole other feeling.

hc
photo by https://www.flickr.com/photos/dpangandoyon/

A Thank You To The Guys Who Didn’t Treat Me Right

Sometimes, the people who screw you over in life are just as important as the people who have been there for you every step of the way. Everything and everyone we come across can be taken as a lesson, no matter how much it hurt or how much you regret it or how much you wish it would go away. What happened was important to who you are today, and one day that lesson will come in handy to your happiness.

So thank you to the guy who told me I mattered to him when I didn’t.

Even though I forgave you long ago, you taught me how to take two steps back. I learned how to be a little bit more on the defense, that not everyone says what they mean like I do. The next time someone told me I mattered to them, I knew whether or not to believe them.

And thank you to the guy who made me put my whole life in his hands, then quickly took it away without looking back.

Because of you, I grew stronger. And though I look at our relationship as the greatest mistake of my life, I now know who to put my trust in. I now know I can come back from things that ruin me. I can recognize when someone will actually take care of me, not drop me like a weight like you did.

Thank you to the guy who I let treat me the worst.

I know my boundaries now, I have self respect. I’ll never respect you, but I’ve learned what I deserve and I can compare how wonderfully I am treated now to how disgustingly you treated me then. It makes me appreciate what I have.

Thank you to the guy who cheated on me.

I never ignore my gut instincts anymore and I know I don’t deserve to come in second to anyone. I’ve learned to roll things off my shoulders and move on.

Thank you to every guy that emotionally abused me, that made me think I was worthless or that I couldn’t do this or that. Thank you for the lessons I learned from the guys who didn’t treat me right. It makes the good guys in the world seem that much greater in my eyes, I appreciate it so much more. I could never take it for granted, like you did.

hc
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/baileysjunk/

Who You Were Before You Were Broken

We all change, it’s inevitable. We grow up, we experience new things, go through phases, meet new people. We take every little experience and slowly it changes us into a different person over time.

Sometimes we anticipate change, sometimes we’re thrown into it head first.

Something that will definitely change a person is heart break. Getting your heart broken causes you to feel a lot of emotions during a time where you’re just trying to get better. You were in a beautiful relationship, you were happy. It ended, you’re distraught. You’re trying to get over it, you’re okay. He’s dating someone else, you’re devastated.

It will wreak havoc on who you were.

The person you change into is in no way a bad version of yourself – just very different. It may not seem that way to you, because you went through it all and understand the outcome. But one day you’ll wake up and realize you’re nothing like you used to be.

Along with the inevitable change is the inevitable way we will sometimes revert. When we change due to small happenings in our life, it’s often because we are becoming someone who can protect themselves from hurt. But there comes a time when that wall can tumble down a little, where you can become who you were before you were broken.

It’s someone you faintly recognize – there’s an innocence again, vulnerability, and openness. It’s someone you remember, but had at one time completely forgotten she existed. You are becoming whole again – you are feeling yourself and remembering yourself as a whole person again.

Any way you change, make sure it is for the better. Don’t be afraid to keep growing, don’t be afraid to revert if that’s the right thing for you. A broken heart may disguise you for a little bit – but you will be whole again one day. You will be who you were before you were broken, but better.

hc
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/hmoong/