I Can’t Blame Anyone But Myself

After a break up, you want to blame everyone else but yourself. You want to blame the girl he cheated on you with. You want to blame your family for not telling you sooner that he sucked. You want to blame your friends for not pulling you away. You want to blame him for the person that he is.

But in the end, when all is said and done, I really can’t blame anyone but myself. I can’t blame anyone else for the way I began to change to fit the mold of my relationship. The way I stopped caring about myself, the way I made the world spin around this “perfect love.”

I can’t blame the girl he cheated on me with, she’s just another victim to his tricks. And I can’t blame my friends and family because we all know I just wouldn’t listen.

I can’t blame him for what he did to me. Because I let him cause me that pain. I let someone treat me like dirt. I let the relationship consume me to the point where I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I’m not someone who likes to fight, I’m not someone who wants drama, I’m not someone who dedicates their entire life and soul to someone else. I can’t blame anyone but myself for becoming that person.

It’s true you brought out the worst in me and it’s true you treated me poorly – but I can’t blame anyone but myself.

And in that sense, I owe everything to myself. Because I am stronger, better, more aware. I moved on from those past relationships and became the person I wanted to be again.

I owe a lot to my family, I owe a lot to my friends, I owe a lot to the people that broke me down so far that I had to pick myself up again. Mostly I owe it all to myself. I did it, I recovered, and I am better.

And while I can’t blame anyone but myself, I also can praise myself. And congratulate myself. And be proud of myself. Because when people knock you down, you can pick yourself up eventually and that’s all that really matters. That you keep moving forward.

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Getting Hurt vs. Hurting Someone

No one wants to get hurt. No one wants to put their heart on the line when there’s a possibility of it getting smashed. Unanimously, we can all agree that we do not want our hearts broken.

But when it comes to breaking someone else’s heart, there is so much less thought put into it. We are so concerned with protecting ourselves that we forget that there are other people who matter.

And while most people fear getting hurt, I fear hurting someone. I think I’ve felt heartbreak hard enough that it doesn’t bother me anymore. I put my love slowly into situations, I’ve learned how to escape without any cuts or bruises. But the thought of emotionally hurting someone else is terrifying to me. I don’t just tip toe into relationships for myself, but I do it for my partner.

Because if you’ve ever been on the giving side of a break up, you know that it sucks. You never wanted to let someone down. You feel like you’re letting yourself down.

So when the next possibility of a relationship arrives, you don’t want to let them down either. You keep your guard up, in hopes that they’ll keep their guard up too. Because if you don’t let them in all the way, maybe you won’t disappoint them. Maybe you won’t emotionally hurt them, too.

To the point where you would rather feel heartbreak all over again than feel yourself breaking someone’s heart. Getting hurt is never fun, but hurting someone else is a whole other feeling.

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A Thank You To The Guys Who Didn’t Treat Me Right

Sometimes, the people who screw you over in life are just as important as the people who have been there for you every step of the way. Everything and everyone we come across can be taken as a lesson, no matter how much it hurt or how much you regret it or how much you wish it would go away. What happened was important to who you are today, and one day that lesson will come in handy to your happiness.

So thank you to the guy who told me I mattered to him when I didn’t.

Even though I forgave you long ago, you taught me how to take two steps back. I learned how to be a little bit more on the defense, that not everyone says what they mean like I do. The next time someone told me I mattered to them, I knew whether or not to believe them.

And thank you to the guy who made me put my whole life in his hands, then quickly took it away without looking back.

Because of you, I grew stronger. And though I look at our relationship as the greatest mistake of my life, I now know who to put my trust in. I now know I can come back from things that ruin me. I can recognize when someone will actually take care of me, not drop me like a weight like you did.

Thank you to the guy who I let treat me the worst.

I know my boundaries now, I have self respect. I’ll never respect you, but I’ve learned what I deserve and I can compare how wonderfully I am treated now to how disgustingly you treated me then. It makes me appreciate what I have.

Thank you to the guy who cheated on me.

I never ignore my gut instincts anymore and I know I don’t deserve to come in second to anyone. I’ve learned to roll things off my shoulders and move on.

Thank you to every guy that emotionally abused me, that made me think I was worthless or that I couldn’t do this or that. Thank you for the lessons I learned from the guys who didn’t treat me right. It makes the good guys in the world seem that much greater in my eyes, I appreciate it so much more. I could never take it for granted, like you did.

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Who You Were Before You Were Broken

We all change, it’s inevitable. We grow up, we experience new things, go through phases, meet new people. We take every little experience and slowly it changes us into a different person over time.

Sometimes we anticipate change, sometimes we’re thrown into it head first.

Something that will definitely change a person is heart break. Getting your heart broken causes you to feel a lot of emotions during a time where you’re just trying to get better. You were in a beautiful relationship, you were happy. It ended, you’re distraught. You’re trying to get over it, you’re okay. He’s dating someone else, you’re devastated.

It will wreak havoc on who you were.

The person you change into is in no way a bad version of yourself – just very different. It may not seem that way to you, because you went through it all and understand the outcome. But one day you’ll wake up and realize you’re nothing like you used to be.

Along with the inevitable change is the inevitable way we will sometimes revert. When we change due to small happenings in our life, it’s often because we are becoming someone who can protect themselves from hurt. But there comes a time when that wall can tumble down a little, where you can become who you were before you were broken.

It’s someone you faintly recognize – there’s an innocence again, vulnerability, and openness. It’s someone you remember, but had at one time completely forgotten she existed. You are becoming whole again – you are feeling yourself and remembering yourself as a whole person again.

Any way you change, make sure it is for the better. Don’t be afraid to keep growing, don’t be afraid to revert if that’s the right thing for you. A broken heart may disguise you for a little bit – but you will be whole again one day. You will be who you were before you were broken, but better.

photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/hmoong/


Falling In Love Isn’t Scary, Falling Out Is

Break ups are pretty much the worst. Whether you are the one initiating the break up or you are the one being broken up with.

In most cases, you don’t want to hurt the person that you’ve been in a relationship with – no matter how long it lasted. Special feelings are developed when you commit to someone. Sometimes those feelings develop more on one side than the other.

It’s no one’s fault. You’re not getting broken up with because you’re not good looking or not smart or not fun. It’s just not working out on one side of the relationship. And it sucks for the person doing the breaking up just as much as it does for the one who is getting broken up with.

Because as humans, we just don’t want to let people down. We don’t want to disappoint. But when I break up with someone, I feel all of that disappointment. I feel so sorry that I couldn’t make it work out. That I couldn’t fall in love with you the way you fell in love with me.

Is it our fault that we don’t feel as deeply as someone else? I think in some ways, you can limit yourself to opening up to a relationship or cause some riffs to just make it seem like the relationship should end. You make excuses for yourself.

But if you just can’t justify that person as being “the one,” then there’s not much you can do about it. The fair thing is to break up with them – even if that seems just so unfair.

The falling out of love and the break ups and the disappointment can easily make you afraid of relationships. Yes, of course, we all want to fall in love. But no, I definitely do not want to have to break up with someone again. I fear that even more than being broken up with at this point. Because at least if I’m being dumped, I can be disappointed in my partner. When I break up with someone, I feel their disappointment in me and my disappointment in myself.

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Are Broken Hearted People Worth The Time?

I’m not scared of dating because it’s difficult. I’ve been through plenty of awkward situations in my life, I’ve definitely learned to laugh it off.

I’m scared to date because I’m difficult. I immediately wave off every person I meet as uninteresting because I know that they won’t put in the effort that it will take to get me out of my shell.

It’s why we text our exes when we’re sad. It’s why we think of the people who’ve gotten us out of our shell before instead of venturing to meet new people.

You have to put in time with broken hearted people. It’s not because we’re high maintenance or girls that don’t want to be tied down. It’s because we’re literally terrified of ending up at rock bottom again because of a boy.

And I personally just don’t see someone I randomly met off of Bumble looking at me and thinking “yea, I’m gonna make this girl believe again.”

We don’t need you to put our pieces back together, we don’t need you to support us – we’ve learned to do it all on our own. We need you to grant us independence, we want you to lend a helping hand. We want you to make us believe again.

We’re not running away because we’re scared of commitment. We’re running away because we don’t think we’re worth the effort. Because it’ll take a lot of muscle to get us to stay in one place. It’ll take a lot of time to get us to believe in the kind of love you want to give us.

We want to meet someone who can tie us down. But I can’t expect anyone to put that kind of effort into someone so flakey, like me. I just can’t put that much pressure on one person. It’s not fair of me to push off the baggage that other people left on my shoulders onto someone else.

So we stay single because we don’t have the time. And you don’t have the time to change that.

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Can You Date Your Ex Again?

The past is just so tempting.

We find comfort in past relationships because at one point, they were very comfortable. Externally, we may forget about all of the bad things that occurred. We don’t really remember the cheating, the lying, the bad blood that pooled after the break up.

But internally, we never really forget. It sits in our minds, quiets the butterflies in our stomachs.

Some people do deserve a second chance. Some exes aren’t as bad as others. But after all is said and done – the honeymoon stage into the fighting into the break up – can you really forget about all the pain? Can you set aside that discomfort and date your ex again?

Sure you may love them a lot and they may make you happy, but the bad parts never really go away. They boil up again and again. Because if you catch him in a white lie, you’ll be reminded of all the other little white lies. The little lies that led to bigger lies, the lies that led to cheating. The things that left you heartbroken.

There’s just no such thing as a clean slate. You can’t wipe off the mess and expect it to be shiny and new again. It just doesn’t happen, sad memories will still reside.

In some ways, I’m sure you could get past those memories. If trust was slowly built up again, if a spark was gradually ignited. But to rush into dating your ex again will only result in the whole thing going up in flames. There’s no shame in taking things slow – especially after being hurt before.

Can you date your ex again? I don’t really know. But if you go at a snail’s pace and take your time, you might be able to spare some feelings while you’re trying to figure it out.

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