Do What You Have To After A Break Up

How do I know when a girl just went through a break up? She starts posting selfies, deep quotes and poetry, and sharing Thought Catalog articles about how being alone is better (at least share my blog posts guys, come on). And then all of her relationship pictures start to fade from her social media. Her profile picture changes to a solo pic or a photo of a girl’s night out. And the status quietly changes to single.

It’s all a little cliche. That whole dying your hair a wacky color after a break up to try to change your identity. People talk about it all the time and poke fun at the girls having their poetry induced break through. They talk about how much she’s changed and how funny it is that she never used to act that way.

Well, they change because break ups change you. They force you to look at yourself as a lone person and understand who you truly are. Maybe you are a blonde at heart, a party girl, or an independent being.

Who cares what anyone else thinks? As if they’ve never had a life shattering break up, as if they’ve never hit their single and ready to mingle phase.

We’re all guilty of it, and even if we weren’t, girl, DO YOU! Do what you have to to find yourself,  to feel better and move on. If you have to make out with a lot of people, do it. If you have to talk crap on your ex, do it. If it makes you feel better I did it on a blog for all of the world to see, you can just do it in a group chat. Or start a blog. Why not?

If you have to share poetry about fueling your fucking fire, shout out Christopher Poindexter, then DO it. No one can tell you how to heal. Don’t ever feel silly about the things you are doing to better yourself and move on. I’m rooting for you and every girl who has had their life changed by a break up is rooting for you.

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Spend A Day On Your Own

I grew up being very shy and dependent. I was probably in my late teens before I could even order my own meal at a restaurant, I would always whisper it in my mom’s ear first. I didn’t think I could do anything new on my own, I was terrified at the thought.

The first time I ate alone was when I was a freshman in college, I went to the cafeteria by myself because no one was answering their phones and I was getting so frustrated with making friends. I sat by myself and a couple of kids asked me to eat with them, they ended up being kind of creepy, and I didn’t feel empowered at all. I just felt like a loser.

But not being able to do things on your own is such a debilitating fear. I missed out on plenty of things I wanted to do just because I couldn’t find anyone to go with me.

So I started forcing my hand. I would buy two tickets to a concert or one airplane ticket for a weekend trip, I left it up to fate if someone would end up going with me. And I wasn’t afraid to do it on my own. Why waste time and experiences by being dependent on someone else?

This weekend, I spent the day in Philadelphia – a place I’ve been to many times before. I went with my boyfriend, but he had plans that I wasn’t really interested in. So while he was busy, I went off on my own. I ate lunch by myself and then saw a movie by myself. I took a walk by myself and just reveled in doing something by myself that wasn’t laying in bed and watching Netflix.

If you own it, it’s eye opening and empowering to do the things you enjoy by yourself. The key to your happiness shouldn’t be in someone else’s pocket and you need to learn how to unlock it yourself before depending on other people. I encourage you to spend a day on your own, learn about yourself, and just have fun.

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I Want To Be Alone But I Don’t Want To Be Alone

I didn’t really know who I was until about two years ago. Internally, throughout my teen years, I had a strong sense of self. I knew what I wanted but just didn’t know how to get it. I couldn’t externalize what I was feeling internally which made me very lost.

I thought I found myself when I found my first real relationship. I became very dependent on my boyfriend and didn’t really realize it until the relationship ended. I also became very aware of anxiety issues that I had been pushing off onto him. I also became aware to the fact that I like being alone.

It wasn’t completely new to me. I didn’t have a ton of friends in high school and I always enjoyed sleeping and just having time to myself. I justified the fact that I was truly alone a lot due to the fact that I had a boyfriend, so I wasn’t really alone when I spent most of my time with him.

I busied myself throughout college and made a lot of friends. Filled my time with activities, parties, boys, and acquaintances. When I graduated I realized I am still the person who loves to be alone. I would nestle in my alone time when I was hung over or all of my friends were in class, and I liked being alone. But I don’t really want to be alone.

I think back to how I enjoyed being busy in college. I think back to how I enjoyed having a boyfriend to depend on and spend all my time with. But I couldn’t imagine myself in either situation now. The idea of packing my weekends with plans makes me overwhelmed. The idea of dedicating my life to a boy makes me sick.

Because when I’m alone I can go wherever I want. I don’t have to answer to anyone. No one to text all day, no one to worry about, no one sitting in the back of my head telling me what is right and what is wrong. But when I’m alone I get really bored and I think too much. I idealize having a boyfriend and having someone to be with. As strong as that feeling can get, it goes away as quickly as it came.

Maybe I’m fickle. Maybe I just don’t know what I want – though, most times I feel that I do. All I know is I want to be alone. But I don’t want to be alone.

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10 Productive Things To Do Alone

I sometimes find my weekends completely empty. No plans, no friends to call, and very little errands to run. During this time off I like to take a couple mental health days. There’s nothing wrong with spending a weekend alone and choosing to not pack that weekend with tons of plans. Here’s a couple of things you can do alone when you find yourself with solitary free time:

1. Take a bath

Set aside a good amount of time to just soak and forget about all your other problems.

2. Go to the library

Sign up for a library card and get started on the reading list you pinned on Pinterest two years ago.

3. Binge watch a series

Escape your own reality with a non stop marathon of Netflix.

4. Go to the gym

Push yourself harder than you usually do and spend some time sweating it out in the sauna.

5. Learn a new skill

I personally learned how to crochet, I’ve made like 6 infinity scarves because that’s all I know how to do – but it’s really easy!

6. Go on a hike

Somewhere safe you can go alone, obviously. The scenery is guaranteed to make your day.

7. Run errands

Get done allllll of the things you’ve been putting off.

8. Clean!

I guarantee there is one spot in your house or one drawer in your room that needs reorganizing.

9. Get your nails done

Or do what you do to pamper yourself.

10. Shop!

Spend a little money and splurge. You’re not spending $16 on two cranberry vodkas at the bar with your friends so go buy yourself a new top or necklace.

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I’m In A Relationship With Myself

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You’re supposed to go to college.  You’re supposed to graduate.  You’re supposed to get a 9-5 job. You’re supposed to be in a relationship. You’re supposed to get married.  You’re supposed to buy a home. You’re supposed to have kids. You’re supposed to retired. You’re supposed to die.

They’re unwritten supposed to’s, but I’m kind of over doing what is expected of me when I don’t find it to be rewarding at all.

The thought of dating makes me really uneasy for many reasons. I’ve been in a relationship that crashed and burned and left me abandoned in the wreckage.  I see people staying in relationships out of comfort and because that’s what they’re “supposed to” do. A lot of the marriages I encounter have either ended or should have ended a while ago.

I worry that I’ll settle. Or I’ll miss out on meeting and falling in love with the perfect person because I settled. I’m worried that someone will try and change me. And I’m sorry, I don’t want kids and it’s not because I’m “still young.” I worry I’ll sacrifice myself for someone else.

I also really just enjoy my alone time.  I want to be the best version of myself before I even think of trying to make someone else happy.  I can barely make a phone call without stuttering. I have a hard time waking up before 11 am if I don’t have to. I start a diet every week that ends in me binge eating pizza. These are all things I’m working on and I’m working on alone.

I’m trying to put all of my thoughts together and I don’t want to text someone 24/7. I barely want to be in my own head or talk to my mom as soon as I wake up. What’s up? The same thing that was “up” 20 minutes ago, I’m watching reality tv because I don’t like my current reality.

I’m trying to start my career – but I don’t want it to be a 9-5 that has me pining for the weekend and ultimately spending most of my life waiting for something else. It’s hard to find the job I want and I don’t want to have to worry about I’m wearing to my coffee date this weekend.

I’m trying to do a lot of things for me and you just look like an obstacle.

Stop Denying Your Relationship

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It’s not uncommon to come across cheating in college. Everyone knows the drama: he’s been cheating on her for years. She knows but ignores it. They both cheat on each other and never confront it. It only strengthens the stereotype of the hookup culture and makes everyone questions how relationships work in college.

When you’re in a relationship, it’s because you made the decision to commit yourself to someone. You love to spend your time with them, you don’t get tired of them, you don’t feel your eyes wandering or the need to really be with anyone else. You have a boyfriend or girlfriend, you have a person, someone who cares about you just as much as you care about them and would do anything for you.

If you find yourself often denying your relationship – you might have a problem.  Consistently telling people you are single, or not dating anyone, or “no, I don’t have a girlfriend – why would you ask me that?” means there is an underlying issue to your relationship.  The problem either is your relationship isn’t meant to be or the problem is you.

You can give it any other label than “relationship”. You can say it’s not official, or you’re just talking, or just hooking up. But it’s a relationship no matter which way you spin it – you’re probably just too selfish to admit it.

It’s not okay to deny your relationship. It’s definitely not okay to be asking other girls to come over at 3 am, or ask them out on dates, or text them constantly while asking to hang out a million times a day. You’re not slick, you’re not sly, and it’s not cool that you think you can get away with dating more than one person at a time when you’ve made a commitment to someone.

If you’re very happy in your relationship when your significant other is around, then you need to stop denying your relationship and give it a real shot. Stop telling other people you’re single and stop asking them to come over while insinuating a hook up.

You’re just too selfish to let go of your single self. If that’s the case, you shouldn’t be hurting other people in the process. Especially someone you cared enough about to call your girlfriend or boyfriend. And you’re probably letting a good thing go by being that selfish.

10 Times Happily Single Girls Aren’t Actually Happy

1. When you’re lazy and bored at the same time

I want someone to entertain, but I don’t want to get out of bed or stop watching Netflix.

2. When all of your friends are going on a couple’s retreat

They invite you but you’re just going to be trying to meet other people while consistently going home alone so…

3. When you’re hungry and have no one to eat with

You want to get out of your sweatpants and go to a sit-down restaurant but you’re just alone and get two large Wendy’s fries to go instead.

4. When something unreal exciting happens.

There’s not really anyone you can immediately text or kiss or hug or ya know.

5. When your summer wanderlust is biting at you.

I want to go to this museum, this amusement park, and to see this movie so who can I force to come with me?

6. When you’re singing along to love songs but you’re not in love

Well this is kind of depressing.

7. When you’re sick and rolled up like a burrito in your bed but can’t reach the advil.

Can someone bring me soup? And medicine? And cuddles? And maybe a cure for this cold?

8. When you don’t want to go out and get black out drunk with your friends

No matter who your friends are, I’m sure their bad influences and your boyfriend/girlfriend would be a better one.

9. When you’re tired of mediocre people who last a couple weeks in your life

Maybe I could find someone who lasts a couple months?

10. When you just want someone to be there

Like having a pet, but it’s less frowned upon when you’re super attached to them.

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