Dealing With Embarrassment

I’m embarrassed all the time. And when I get embarrassed, it never leaves my mind. Most recently I’ve had days where everything is going right and I’m so thrilled and then one little thing will happen that throws the whole day off. Like when someone scolded me for dragging some chairs on “historical” floors or when I tried to open the door for a blind person and ended up making things way more complicated. I think about those things all day, I think about them years later.

But I recently read this: think of all the times you’ve been embarrassed, now think of a time when someone else was embarrassed.

It’s hard to remember. I’m thinking back to college, trying to remember the weird or ratchet things some of my friends did. And while a few things come to mind, I don’t know how embarrassed by it they were.

And no one else remembers those things that embarrassed you. The guy who scolded me won’t remember me after a few days go by, the blind person who deals with difficulties every day won’t remember me. We are so wrapped up in ourselves and the things we do, sometimes we just need to let it go.

It is never as bad as you thought it was and no one else will even remember it. Embarrassment is a part of life, but you can’t let it eat you alive.

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Why I Prefer Nights In

There are many days where I take my relationship for granted and we just go with the flow of life. Forgetting to stop and appreciate each other.

But on nights in, I really get to soak in how I live with my best friend and my cutest little fam. I’ve always preferred nights in. In college, I loved the pregames but not the parties. I loved when we all sat together and listened to our favorite music and talked and drank together before diluting our group with strangers.

I don’t do well in large groups of people. Bar settings always make me uncomfortable because I don’t like dancing and there’s nowhere to go for a fun conversation. Drinks are high priced and I have to keep in mind that I need to stay awake as long as the rest of my group.

Nights out just put a lot of pressure on me and honestly they give me anxiety. When I start getting anxiety about it, I basically ruin the night before it even began. So I have been opting for short nights out or more game nights with friends. Keeping things casual works for me.

I’ve also grown accustomed to picking up food and eating at my apartment rather than going out to eat. Again, the crowds, the wait time, the discomfort. While I prefer nights in though, I do need to continue pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Otherwise I’d really become a homebody. Even if it’s what I prefer, it’s not exactly healthy for me.

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It’s Not Always 50/50

I recently read some Twitter wisdom that really stuck with me. When it comes to relationships, everyday won’t be 50/50. Some days will, but some days all he will have is 10 and you gotta give 90 but it’s okay. Because some days all you’ll have is 10 and he’ll give 90.

I rarely feel like my relationship is 50/50 and it’s the weight of my end that I can’t carry. It makes me feel so guilty to think that I put so much on boyfriend daily. I struggle with basic tasks when my anxiety strikes, I’ve always been a little selfish because of what I’ve been through in my past, and I’m undeniably lazy.

But that’s my point of view. If you asked him, he’d name all the things I do for him. He’d count out all the days where I’ve given 80 when he’s only had 20. And maybe my bad days outweigh his, but I definitely do give sometimes. Even though it’s hard for me to give.

It’s about sacrifice, it’s about give and take. Relationships aren’t always 50/50 and they aren’t always easy. It requires work and effort to keep a relationship blooming and happy. When you get comfortable, it’s easy to lose sight of the effort you really need to be putting in to ensure your partner is happy. When you both resort to scrolling through your phones all night after work instead of having a conversation over dinner, it’s time to realize what you’re putting in and what more you can be doing.

How others see your relationship, how your partner sees your relationship, and how you see your relationship can all be very different. Which is why communication is important and why we all need to pick up the slack sometimes.

My Word For 2019

For the past two years, I’ve decided to designate a word to my new year instead of resolutions. In 2017, my word was enough and in 2018, my word was presence. I think about my words from time to time throughout the year and never really feel like I’m accomplishing them until I reflect back. Enough has really made an appearance in my life, I have accepted a lot about myself in the past two years and am generally happy. I am still working on presence and I think that’s mostly due to scrolling through social media so often. But I’m aware of the problem and that means I’m closer to fixing it.

My word for 2019 is going to be adventure. While I like to put on a brave face and show everyone how much I love to do new things, new things actually make me extremely nervous. Traveling, moving, starting something new all give me anxiety and actually give me migraines.

But I’m starting 2019 off with a bang by moving out of state, starting a new job, and basically a new life. I know I will have to make new friends, explore a new area, and balance everything I’m leaving behind in New Jersey.

I’ve decided to accept the adventure and carry that feeling with me throughout the year. It will all be a new learning experience, but I’m going to make it fun and I’m going to make the best of it. Despite the anxiety, I know this is a great step for me so I just need to embrace my adventurous side and see where things take me.

Let me know your word for 2019 below!

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What You Don’t Know About Overthinkers

A lot of people say they’re an overthinker, kind of like the way people casually and incorrectly say they have OCD. Like you may think a lot, but do you truly know what an overthinker goes through?

I’m pretty introverted and socially awkward – I have not always been this way, but it’s something I was shaped into as I got older. I’m pretty weird and that was all fine and fun when I was young and then as I got older we were all pressured into being “cooler” and that’s when I think I became my most uncomfortable with myself and started overthinking.

So, I can sort of remember what it was like to not worry about absolutely everything and I have something to compare it to.

What you may not know about overthinkers is we think all the time – but all. the. time. I think when I wake up in the morning, my work gets interrupted in the day by overthinking, my dreams even keep me up at night because my brain doesn’t shut off. And this thinking can keep us from actually doing. Because we play out so many scenarios and think things to death so much that it just stops us in our tracks.

For most of my college career I avoided seriously dating because it put my thinking into overload and caused too much stress. I would break off relationships before they even started because of the panic that overthinking would cause to come over me.

When I have too much to do, I think about it all day. I make lists and lists and can’t focus on the impending doom that’s coming my way.

You may look at someone and say, “oh you just think too much!” But it’s not as simple as meditating in the morning and wiping your thoughts away. Actually, I can’t enjoy meditation or yoga because the thoughts STILL creep in. There are worry warts, dramatic people, perfectionists – and then there are overthinkers whose minds actually never turn off.

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Preparing For The Worst While Traveling

Traveling gives me a lot of anxiety. I’m normally a hot mess day of, even though I’ve done so much planning and coordinating to avoid any mishaps.

I prepare for the worst as best as I can. I have back up plans and we get to the airport extra early. I do a lot of research and ask for advice of people who have been there – but there are always things you can’t prepare for.

For this most recent trip, I got really sick. Like I was in the hospital on Wednesday night and we were leaving for Vancouver on Friday morning. I had been looking forward to this trip for months and I was at a point in my summer where I NEEDED to get away. The threat of this trip not happening probably made me sicker.

As a very cheap optimist, I didn’t buy flight insurance. I was gripping my stomach Friday morning waiting for the cab, still wondering if I should actually go. Will I be able to make it through a 10 hour day of travel? I had to weigh whether I could willingly give up the hundreds of dollars I spent versus putting myself through basically torture.

After this experience, yes, I will always buy flight insurance now. I’m not invincible. But I stomached it and went on the trip anyway, anticipating spending all my time in bed.

But I was able to pull through. I’m a major foodie so it has been quite a bummer to not enjoy all the yums Vancouver has to offer because I’m sick. But at least I got to enjoy this beautiful city and next time I travel I’ll be even more prepared.

When Life Hands You Lemons

Life has handed me a lot of lemons lately with very little sugar. If I were to try to make lemonade, let’s just say it would be very bitter.

If I back up and take deep breaths and get out of the moment – there have been plenty of good things that have happened to me recently. A lot of big steps, realizations, and falling back into place when I had felt disheveled. But that bad stuff really just feels like it’s piling up and burying anything good.

It’s at the point where life just feels like hit after hit after hit and nothing can go right. I love my new apartment, I love reconnecting with my friends, I love where I’m at with my job. But then my phone breaks, then I shell out thousands for my car over a three month time period, then I get sick and can’t enjoy the nice weather.

How do you really separate yourself from the bad when the feeling of all those things is so overwhelming? I think it takes a lot of support, a lot of positive vibes, a lot of things I just don’t have anymore or can’t appreciate anymore.

With the downs comes the ups – but how long do I have to hang out in the downs until I start climbing back up again?

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