How I Thought I Had To Be To Get A Boy’s Attention

When we think back to being young we often think of the great times.  We think about how we were worry free for so long, how life was filled with ignorant bliss and simple happiness.  Most of us choose to forget the part of being young that meant being really weird and awkward…

For me, sixth grade was when getting a boyfriend was really important.  Not like an actual boyfriend, just someone you called your boyfriend and held hands with and wrote about in your AIM profile – “K.M. ilysm always and forever &<3;“. I know it’s different for kids now, the importance of getting attention from the opposite sex starts at a much younger age and their definition of boyfriend goes way past mine from when I was young.  But from sixth grade on, getting attention from boys was a top priority.

Through social media, television, movies, magazines, my friends, my older siblings, etc; I had formed an idea in my mind of what I had to do to get boys to like me.  It was really that important and as a lanky (and transitioning into the opposite of lanky) 13 year old girl I thought I needed to be a certain way for boys to like me.  The way all of the popular girls got the boys to like them.  Looking back, they probably had the same idea as me – they just knew how to execute it better.  They also didn’t have braces and a love for Avril Lavigne that was made apparent through clothing choices.

This is something that inflicted my young and naiive self, but still impacts women my age and older to this day.  We want to please everyone by trying to imitate what the media portrays as desirable such as being:

1. Vulnerable

As a middle schooler, there had to be some sort of sadness and complexity to me that I could open up about.  Even though I was 13 and my main problem was really the fact that my orthodontist was mean to me.

2. Clumsy

I always see this on the media. Boys just fall in love with the girl that is tripping over her own feet, that always needs to be saved.

3. Innocent/shy

The girl that was too loud and overbearing didn’t seem desirable, she had way too much going on for a guy to want to deal with.

4. Skinny/always done up

I think I’ve been wearing make up since the end of 5th grade when I clearly didn’t need it and probably would’ve looked better without the blue eye shadow.

5. Unique but not weird

This was so hard – you had to be different enough from the polo wearing posse to get noticed, but if you were too different you could forget about anyone ever taking you seriously.

Girls to this day – ages 8, 13, 18, 25, 45, and up – still want to be what boys want them to be.  They forget their sense of self just because they’re single and aren’t getting a lot of attention.

I still find myself being guilty of it, trying to seem like someone I’m not just to reel someone in for a little while.  Self love can be preached every hour of every day, but so many people believe you need someone to love you in order to love yourself. In reality, being yourself is what is going to get boys to like you.  At least the ones that matter.

photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/carmichaels/
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/carmichaels/

10 Times Happily Single Girls Aren’t Actually Happy

1. When you’re lazy and bored at the same time

I want someone to entertain, but I don’t want to get out of bed or stop watching Netflix.

2. When all of your friends are going on a couple’s retreat

They invite you but you’re just going to be trying to meet other people while consistently going home alone so…

3. When you’re hungry and have no one to eat with

You want to get out of your sweatpants and go to a sit-down restaurant but you’re just alone and get two large Wendy’s fries to go instead.

4. When something unreal exciting happens.

There’s not really anyone you can immediately text or kiss or hug or ya know.

5. When your summer wanderlust is biting at you.

I want to go to this museum, this amusement park, and to see this movie so who can I force to come with me?

6. When you’re singing along to love songs but you’re not in love

Well this is kind of depressing.

7. When you’re sick and rolled up like a burrito in your bed but can’t reach the advil.

Can someone bring me soup? And medicine? And cuddles? And maybe a cure for this cold?

8. When you don’t want to go out and get black out drunk with your friends

No matter who your friends are, I’m sure their bad influences and your boyfriend/girlfriend would be a better one.

9. When you’re tired of mediocre people who last a couple weeks in your life

Maybe I could find someone who lasts a couple months?

10. When you just want someone to be there

Like having a pet, but it’s less frowned upon when you’re super attached to them.

photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/mikedorokhov/
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/mikedorokhov/

Making The First Move

Guys deserve a lot of credit for making the first move.  It’s just what is expected in society, that guys will approach a girl first. They’ll ask for their number and have to make the phone call. They ask her to dance or out on a date. It’s mostly all up to the guy to move something forward.

That takes a lot of guts.  You are pushing all of your insecurities behind a mask to make a good impression on someone.  And if they don’t like you? Was it your hair, did you smell, did you say the wrong thing? You’re putting your whole self esteem on the line.  Girls can be too fragile to do something like that (unless we’re drunk) because we are constantly being shamed by society. I can’t even imagine all the thoughts and emotions that would flood a girl’s head after being rejected when making the first move. I’m sure guys experience a whole lot of emotions and thoughts too, so like I said, I give them credit.

I don’t know if that’s something we should take entirely personally. Sure, someone is making a snap judgement on you but there are so many variables that could be put into place.  The person you’re hitting on could be in a relationship, they could be in a tough place in their life, they could forget you met, they could just not feel the vibes, or you’re not their type.  There are so many reasons not to take rejection personally.  Therefore, I think we should all put our hearts on the line a little more often.

As a girl, I have on many occasions bought someone a drink or told them they were cute to get them to come talk to me. Many of these times were promoted by liquid courage, but it’s something I would like to be able to accomplish sober. Why should it bother me that someone didn’t like me?  I don’t like everyone I meet either.   They say if you never try then you’ll never succeed – so give it a shot and make the first move.

photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/thomashawk/
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/thomashawk/

Fixing Your Problems With A Relationship

In middle school, having a boyfriend was the only thing that was important. You’re in your awkward phase and just need someone to tell you you’re pretty.  You’re still forming friendships and you need someone who is a constant. Your favorite emo songs sing about heartbreak and falling in love and you want to be able to relate.  The books you read end with happiness and holding hands and you want to hold hands too. The reality shows on television show so much drama, but love always prevails and you want to prevail, too.

We never grow out of that middle school self.

We still need to be told we’re pretty, friends still come and go, we sing the songs at pregames, read the books on casual evenings, and watch the reality tv on hungover afternoons.

We saw it as a problem solver – being in a relationship guarantees that someone will be there for you at all times no matter what.  It’s hard to rely on anyone else, that’s what having a boyfriend or girlfriend is for.

As more problems occur in your adult life, you become more and more convinced that not having anyone to love you is the number one problem.  Failing your classes because you have no one to study with.  Not getting a job because you have no one to push you. Getting too drunk because you had no one to stay in with.

It all connects to not having a person.

If you think a relationship will fix your problems, you’re very off base.  Sure, it will soften some of the blows that life throws at you, but a relationship is just a temporary fix.

Find friends that will stay by your side. Mend relations with your family so you can always fall back on them. Most importantly, be able to rely on yourself. Push yourself and monitor yourself – because despite what you may think, no one will ever know you as well as you know yourself.  Be your own driving force.

Photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/gemmabou/
Photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/gemmabou/

Being Second Best

Who doesn’t like to win? We are wired to be the best we can be and it’s a very disrupting feeling to know you’re coming in second to someone – especially in relationships.

It’s a hookup culture, we know that a lot of people are hooking up with more than one person at a time.  We accept it, because we’re probably doing it too.  What hurts is knowing you are not someone’s number one choice.

You could get cheated on.  You could be the person being held on the back burner while the person you like is in a relationship.  You could be the second option when it comes to a booty call. You could be the afterthought. 

All of these things and more will make you believe that you are second best.  If you get cheated on, you’ll believe it’s because someone else is better than you.  Someone made a greater offer, was prettier, or smarter – just overall better than you.

You could be held on the back burner, even participate in someone’s cheating in their relationship. But if you were the one they wanted to be with, you would be.  There’s obviously someone else who means more.

You probably know when you’re hooking up with someone if they are also hooking up with other people.  You’re not the first call, there was someone more worthy than you.  But you were just more available.

Overall, it sucks to be the second option – so don’t make yourself the second option.  If your crush wants someone else, let them have it.  Don’t be the rag doll to be picked up and played with sporadically.  It may make you feel good for a while – to have your first choice pick you first for once too – but it will only make you feel worse in the end.  You’ll never come in first to these people, at least not morally. Come first in your own life and find someone who will always make you feel like you’ve won.

photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/128539140@N03/
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/128539140@N03/

Why Your Best Friends Are Your Actual Soulmates

How many times have we heard the Sex and the City quote:  “Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.”

photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/jessevaughan/
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/jessevaughan/

It really couldn’t be more true. I spent a large part of my young life in a relationship that I used to replace friendships.  My high school friends weren’t all that great and when a boy who cared about me came along, I used it as an excuse to get out of friendships that weren’t going anywhere anyway.

It all changed when I went to college and when I became single.

Never in a million years did I think that I would have the friends I have now.  They are beautiful people who are always right behind me, ready to push me up when I’m about to fall.  Friends are your true soulmates because in a relationship or not, they will always be there.

I’ve found myself, as a single gal, doing things with my friends that most people do with their significant other.  Going out to dinner, to the movies, and on adventures aren’t solely activities that can be done with a boyfriend or girlfriend. In the lull between relationships, friends will be there to watch Netflix with you and binge eat Dominos pizza with you because they want to.  When you are in a relationship, friends will still be on the sideline, stepping in every so often.

Your friends hang out with you because they love you and think you’re a good time. They don’t have to pencil you into their schedule.  There is no sense of obligation when your friends are your soulmates because you always want to see them.

You don’t need them all the time, but they’re always there when you need them.  There is an amount of love that doesn’t need to be spoken, but can be felt every time you’re crying from laughing so hard or laughing after you’re done drunkenly crying too hard. Not every friend deserves the label of “soulmate”, but to those who find their true soulmates – you are one of the luckiest people in the world.

How Our Generation Is Always Speed Dating

photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/francisco_osorio/
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/francisco_osorio/

We are sometimes called the “hookup culture” because of our lack of commitment. We kiss first, ask questions wayyyyyy later.  Relationships aren’t exactly what we’re looking for right now and one reason behind this is because we are always speed dating.

Not literally, we don’t move from chair to chair at a long table filled with eligible singles. We don’t ask them their name, age, occupation, etc. then move to the next one. We do scan people quickly, though.  We analyze them off of looks first and then if we get a chance to dive a little deeper, all of their superficial criteria.

Our generation has the ability to do this off of a variety of venues.  It could be in person, from near or far.  It could be through social media or dating websites. It could be through texting, phone calls, or webcams.  We have the ability to meet thousands of people at our fingertips.

When you see someone afar at the beach, you judge them on their looks, the way they act with their friends, their demeanor.  Based off of that – you could choose to spark communication or drop it.

When someone buys you a drink at the bar, they tell you their major, hometown, maybe some hobbies.  You get a good glimpse of their drunk self and their appearance. Based off of that – you could take the drink and continue the conversation or walk away.

When you add someone on Facebook, follow them on Twitter, or follow them on Instagram you get to see their friends, their thoughts, and what they look like in different atmospheres. Based off of that (and never meeting them) you could choose to send them a message or slide into their dm’s.

We can swipe right on Tinder based off of looks, interests, and mutual friends. We can get matched on dating websites we pay for based off of our personalities.

And when we do choose to further communication – it’s mostly going to be through texting just because it’s the most convenient.  You can choose to end it even easier because all it takes is a few unanswered text messages.

It’s hard to date in a culture where we’re always meeting new people and ultimately, always speed dating. On one hand, it’s great that we get to meet so many new people! On the other hand, how are we ever going to know who is the one?