The Hate That Can Come From Love

Love can change us. Young love shapes us, quick love pleases us, the love that’s here to stay grounds us. But I don’t think anything changes you more than the hate that can come from love when everything goes wrong.

I have loved people in situations that didn’t end poorly. We lost touch and I still hold them in my heart. Our interactions changed me, knowing that I always have and had a person who cared for me like that is warming.

But I’ve loved a lot of people that ended very very badly and nothing has impacted my life like the hate that stems from that kind of ending. It has happened with family, it has happened with friends, and it has happened romantically.

When I was young, I felt misunderstood a lot which resulted in me feeling betrayed by the people I put my heart into. The hate that stemmed from not getting along with my family followed me into high school. I didn’t put myself out there, I wasn’t a nice person, and I made it a point to not enjoy anything.

Which lead to more people betraying me – friends who didn’t care about me as much as I cared about them. Friends I dropped as soon as my graduation cap came off. Friends that hindered my ability to make friends in college. I didn’t know who truly liked me and who didn’t, I didn’t have anyone to confide in. Except a boyfriend who betrayed me.

A boyfriend who held me back for years. A boyfriend who wouldn’t let me end things with him early on. A boyfriend who shrugged me off his shoulders and never looked back when the relationship ended. And that resulted in the most hate I have ever felt, the hate that stems from really strong love. The hate that ruins your life.

For years, I carried it with me. I wouldn’t commit to anything or anyone but myself. And while I grew a lot from that, when I got out of it I realized how much I had changed. When my relationship was on the rocks, I still had high hopes and was in the process of meeting new people. The boys who gave me attention when I was in the relationship were shocked by the person I was out of it and the baggage that weighed me down after the break up. I had been happy go lucky, I didn’t have worries before the break up. I didn’t have to impress anyone because I had a person.

I didn’t have any security and zero trust. I let it change me for years, trying to love people while I healed and just returning to that same hate. Once I was past the phase of using people to make myself feel better and started getting used to make others feel better, I took a break to be by myself. I took a break and found that happy go lucky person again. And I hate that I carried that hate for years, let it change me, let it make me someone I’d never want to be.

But when you have a strong emotion like love and it ends, strong emotions follow and it’s not always pretty.

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Why We Rarely Exchange Gifts In Our Relationship

When birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays roll around, I’m often not thinking about what to get my boyfriend. We have just never really celebrated milestones like that with gifts.

Our first Christmas together we exchanged very small gifts. I gave him a candle, he gave me chocolate covered strawberries. And since then it’s always been that way. There have been no expectations of gifts on holidays, it’s just not really our thing.

In my past relationships, it was huge. I would be crafting, spending tons of money, racking my brain to find something my significant other liked.

But my relationship now is just easier. We don’t need things. If we are celebrating something, we’re usually going out and doing something together. Whether it’s travelling or trying something new, we prefer experiences over gifts. Even then, we don’t usually buy those things for each other. We plan and decide together what we want to do – after all, if it’s our anniversary or your birthday, why should I have all the say?

We also tend to sporadically buy each other things. I saw this on Amazon and thought of you. I thought this would really look good in our home and you would love it.

It works well for us and takes a lot of pressure off of our relationship. Giving gifts makes me more anxious than it does excited, so we have taken a different approach with showing each other how much we care.

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The Best Of My Dating Blog Posts

Looking for some good reads on dating? Look no further, here are some great posts I wrote in the past! Leave a comment on one of the original posts so I know that you’re liking it 🙂

  1. Making The First Move
  2. The Dreaded Serial Dater
  3. Not Everyone Sucks
  4. Does Online Dating Lack Spontaneity
  5. Dating Is Depressing
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It’s Not Always 50/50

I recently read some Twitter wisdom that really stuck with me. When it comes to relationships, everyday won’t be 50/50. Some days will, but some days all he will have is 10 and you gotta give 90 but it’s okay. Because some days all you’ll have is 10 and he’ll give 90.

I rarely feel like my relationship is 50/50 and it’s the weight of my end that I can’t carry. It makes me feel so guilty to think that I put so much on boyfriend daily. I struggle with basic tasks when my anxiety strikes, I’ve always been a little selfish because of what I’ve been through in my past, and I’m undeniably lazy.

But that’s my point of view. If you asked him, he’d name all the things I do for him. He’d count out all the days where I’ve given 80 when he’s only had 20. And maybe my bad days outweigh his, but I definitely do give sometimes. Even though it’s hard for me to give.

It’s about sacrifice, it’s about give and take. Relationships aren’t always 50/50 and they aren’t always easy. It requires work and effort to keep a relationship blooming and happy. When you get comfortable, it’s easy to lose sight of the effort you really need to be putting in to ensure your partner is happy. When you both resort to scrolling through your phones all night after work instead of having a conversation over dinner, it’s time to realize what you’re putting in and what more you can be doing.

How others see your relationship, how your partner sees your relationship, and how you see your relationship can all be very different. Which is why communication is important and why we all need to pick up the slack sometimes.

Doing The Long Distance Relationship Thing

Temporarily, my boyfriend is living in New Jersey while I’m in New Hampshire. And while this is only for a month and not really a long distance relationship, it makes me really reflect on the people who are open to doing long distance.

My first boyfriend and I were long distance for pretty much our whole relationship. We were never more than two hours apart, but many factors ended up keeping us at a distance. When he was in college, I was in high school and when I was in college he was working and living in the city. Our relationship was forced into these spurts of time together on weekends, breaks, etc. Meaning any free time I had was dedicated to him.

And that becomes exceedingly difficult when you’re trying to put down roots somewhere. You can’t just pick up and leave every weekend or else you’ll never feel settled. And then it comes to a point where you don’t want to pick up and leave every weekend because you’re settled.

I think if my boyfriend and I were truly forced to do long distance for more than say 3 months, it would put a lot of strain on our relationship. We are both people that like to go out and do things and dedicating our free time and weekends to a 5 hour drive is just unreasonable on both ends.

I give a lot of credit to the people that can do it and I hope their quality of life and relationship are still in a good place. I’m just not the kind of person who can live off bi-weekly interactions for years at a time. But I can’t knock it if it works for other people.

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The Best Of My Break Up Blog Posts

Sometimes I read back on my old posts and wish they got a little more love, so I’ll be sharing some links from now on with groupings of my old posts! Enjoy these break up blog posts.

  1. Breaking Up Because I’m Happy
  2. Do What You Have To After A Break Up
  3. Accepting Break Up Blame
  4. The Courage It Takes To End A Relationship
  5. I Can’t Blame Anyone But Myself

Leave a comment on one of the posts if you enjoyed them!

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How Past Relationships Held Me Back

I’ve always felt held back by the people I’ve dated in the past. I think a lot of my relationships ended abruptly, they left me without closure.

Because sometimes I ended things fast because I wasn’t ready for anything serious. And sometimes I was strung along without any explanation at all and then left for dead after the break up.

I tried my best to not let those things affect me, but they always have. Those things put my love life in slow motion. When I finally found someone I wanted to date, I had to make all the first moves because when someone else did it I’d get scared and run away. It took a while to make things official, to even convince myself this was 100% what I wanted.

And even now as we live together I get so many pangs of not knowing what I want in life.

Recently I’ve heard that one of my exes has moved on…I don’t keep tabs on them at all because the more distance I put between me and them helped me feel better. But the news made me realize I’m ready to move on too.

You know when you hear about an ex getting engaged, married, having kids and you just feel mad? I used to feel that way a lot. Like I’m the one who put so much time and effort into you only for you to crush me and use your brand new self on someone so much less deserving than me. Yeah, I was bitter.

But after this recent news, a lot of things became much more clear to me. I don’t care about my exes. I don’t care about them one bit. I still think of them from time to time, but it’s almost like hearing my ex moved on set me straight. A lot of my doubts have faded and I’ve finally cut the strings my exes tied to me.

I feel better, I feel happy, and I feel certain.

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