I’m Glad It Didn’t Work Out Part 3

A series of apologies and relationships that just didn’t work out, click here for part 1, click here for part 2.

In college I really thought I didn’t need another relationship. Even though I sometimes got conflicted feelings about it, I still think the last thing I need is a relationship.

You felt the same way. It was so reassuring to have someone by my side who wasn’t going to beg me for a commitment. Just go with the flow and see how everything worked out. I was graduating in a couple months, so we both realistically knew it wasn’t going to work out anyway. But we liked each other – so why not enjoy the time we had together while we still had it?

You were afraid. I guess I was more sure about my level of commitment than you were. You were scared you’d end up liking me too much, but I think you were more scared that you were going to screw everything up. Which you did. But I took that risk.

I can’t really call it cheating, but I can call it a lack of respect. I never got insanely angry about it because then I’d just be like all the boys I dated who got mad at me for not being invested in something that wasn’t really relationship.

It kind of hurt – just because you ask a lot of questions about yourself when you’re cheated on. Am I pretty enough? Skinny enough? Good enough? But it was just one of those experiences that made me grow into a better person.

I’m glad it didn’t work out because it would have been much harder if we tried to make it work out. Even if we both had committed, it would’ve been a struggle and full of unhappiness.

I’m glad it didn’t work out because I’m sure it would’ve lead to hostility that we mostly avoided. I’d still buy you a tequila shot at the bar and I didn’t delete you on social media…again. I’m glad it didn’t work out because it’s just better this way.

photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/terrellcwoods/

Forgetting Not Forgiving

The phrase goes: forgive and forget. Stop feeling the resent you feel towards someone and put it in the back of your mind.  That person’s mistake that caused you anger or hurt is gone forever and you move on with your life.

I’ve never really been one to forgive because a lot of people ask for second chances.  Then a third chance.  Then eventually they’re taking total advantage of your kindness.

In most cases, I forget rather than forgive.

There are circumstances I’ve been put in where I’ve been hurt enough just to give up on that person completely.  They don’t deserve my trust, my friendship, or me in their life in general.  I don’t mean it egotistically. I just feel so taken advantage of that I can’t ever act towards this person the way I did before – all they cause is pain – so I remove them from my life.

I delete them from social media.  I stop answering their texts. I don’t say hi when I see them in the bar.

I don’t make a big deal out of it, I don’t yell or scream.  I don’t subtweet cruelly or give death stares. Because I don’t see why someone who chose to wrong me should even deserve my attention at all. Why should I allow the possibility of hurt back into my life when I can just get rid of it all together?

I have a hard time forgiving because that just allows me to be vulnerable again.  Forgiving means, to me, justifying what you did wrong and in most cases – I just can’t do that.

I don’t hate you, I just don’t want to be around you.

photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/lukesst/
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/lukesst/