You’re Not The Exception

Everyone likes to think that they’re special, I’m guilty of it too.

Every relationship I’ve had I always thought that I was the exception. That no one would ever cheat on me, break up with me, or get over me. Because I was special. I’ve felt this way even when I’m lacking self confidence.

The books I read growing up were always about impossible love stories including a timid girl who was plain and not the type to get the boy she was pawing for…except the fact that she was special. And with my nose in these books, I knew that I was pretty plain and nothing to write home about. But my mind, my soul, they were all different and deserving.

And it’s okay to feel special, to feel pride in yourself and love yourself. But it’s not okay to think you’re better than anyone or to think you’re the exception.

Someone will break your heart, someone will pass you up and hire someone else, someone will not think you’re special. It’s just the way the world works. Some people will hate the aspects of you that you think are great. And there will be no rhyme or reason, you can’t be perfect for everyone.

You’re not the exception to any rule no matter who you are. The entitlement we often feel will just lead to disappointment because no matter how special you think you are and even how special someone tells you you are – someone will hurt you. They will forget about the special or never see it at all.

To someone, someday. you will be very very special. But you’re not the exception, you’re the rule, and that will save you a lot of ache.

hc
Photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/michmutters/

Accepting Break Up Blame

I don’t like my exes, not a single one of them. My relationships/spurts of dating/long-time hook ups ended poorly often. I might’ve not liked them even before we broke up. Sometimes I stopped liking them during the break up process. Other times, we were friendly for a while, but I ultimately stopped liking them. Mostly due to resentment over any mistrust, being cheated on, or just seeing them be happy when they didn’t let me be happy or caused me to be unhappy for a while.

You may think that because I don’t like them, it probably means they did something wrong. And that’s true, but the bad blood doesn’t fall all on them. As much as I’d like to sit here and play victim, I wasn’t always innocent.

I didn’t cheat, I didn’t intentionally try to hurt people, but I did let things go on longer than they should’ve. I did put a lot of time into things I knew weren’t going to work, did act one way and say the opposite.

I accept some of the break up blame. In most cases, I did the breaking up because I either recognized my faults in the relationship or the guy I was dating at the time did something to screw everything up.

I’ve written a lot about my exes, I’ve written a lot about how much I resent them and how far I’ve come since them. But I’ve shrugged off a lot of the blame until now. I might’ve not been the problem that caused us to break up, but I was part of the problem. All I can do now is move on and grow from it and wish them all the best of luck.

hc
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/hernanpc/

I Can’t Blame Anyone But Myself

After a break up, you want to blame everyone else but yourself. You want to blame the girl he cheated on you with. You want to blame your family for not telling you sooner that he sucked. You want to blame your friends for not pulling you away. You want to blame him for the person that he is.

But in the end, when all is said and done, I really can’t blame anyone but myself. I can’t blame anyone else for the way I began to change to fit the mold of my relationship. The way I stopped caring about myself, the way I made the world spin around this “perfect love.”

I can’t blame the girl he cheated on me with, she’s just another victim to his tricks. And I can’t blame my friends and family because we all know I just wouldn’t listen.

I can’t blame him for what he did to me. Because I let him cause me that pain. I let someone treat me like dirt. I let the relationship consume me to the point where I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I’m not someone who likes to fight, I’m not someone who wants drama, I’m not someone who dedicates their entire life and soul to someone else. I can’t blame anyone but myself for becoming that person.

It’s true you brought out the worst in me and it’s true you treated me poorly – but I can’t blame anyone but myself.

And in that sense, I owe everything to myself. Because I am stronger, better, more aware. I moved on from those past relationships and became the person I wanted to be again.

I owe a lot to my family, I owe a lot to my friends, I owe a lot to the people that broke me down so far that I had to pick myself up again. Mostly I owe it all to myself. I did it, I recovered, and I am better.

And while I can’t blame anyone but myself, I also can praise myself. And congratulate myself. And be proud of myself. Because when people knock you down, you can pick yourself up eventually and that’s all that really matters. That you keep moving forward.

hc
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/gabrielap93/

Can You Date Your Ex Again?

The past is just so tempting.

We find comfort in past relationships because at one point, they were very comfortable. Externally, we may forget about all of the bad things that occurred. We don’t really remember the cheating, the lying, the bad blood that pooled after the break up.

But internally, we never really forget. It sits in our minds, quiets the butterflies in our stomachs.

Some people do deserve a second chance. Some exes aren’t as bad as others. But after all is said and done – the honeymoon stage into the fighting into the break up – can you really forget about all the pain? Can you set aside that discomfort and date your ex again?

Sure you may love them a lot and they may make you happy, but the bad parts never really go away. They boil up again and again. Because if you catch him in a white lie, you’ll be reminded of all the other little white lies. The little lies that led to bigger lies, the lies that led to cheating. The things that left you heartbroken.

There’s just no such thing as a clean slate. You can’t wipe off the mess and expect it to be shiny and new again. It just doesn’t happen, sad memories will still reside.

In some ways, I’m sure you could get past those memories. If trust was slowly built up again, if a spark was gradually ignited. But to rush into dating your ex again will only result in the whole thing going up in flames. There’s no shame in taking things slow – especially after being hurt before.

Can you date your ex again? I don’t really know. But if you go at a snail’s pace and take your time, you might be able to spare some feelings while you’re trying to figure it out.

hc
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/demibrooke/

To The Guys Who Call Girls Crazy

Honestly, if you aren’t a little crazy you’re probably kind of boring. Guy or girl – we all have a little crazy hidden inside of us.

But for every girl you call “crazy” is a guy that drove her to be that way. There is a guy who broke her heart, causing her to dismiss love. There is a guy who cheated on her, causing her to not trust anyone. There is a guy who neglected her, causing her to text twenty times in a row.

A lot of times we try to beat guys to the punch and call ourselves crazy. It’s kind of like when the nerdy kid in school would call himself a nerd so it wasn’t fun to make fun of him anymore. We call ourselves crazy to soften the blow, because maybe if we say it jokingly no one will think it’s true.

No one will know we got our hearts broken. No one will know we got cheated on. No one will know we were neglected or abused or put down. Because we’ll chalk it all up to being crazy.

So, to the guys who call girls crazy. I hope you’re just saying it with nice undertones or in a joking way. If you’re not, stop. Stop going around and spreading the rumor that that girl is a psycho. Stop telling all your friends that chick is crazy. Because YOU are the reason she is acting crazy. And if not you, it’s because someone else has already driven her crazy.

Let us repair our broken hearts the only way we know how – carrying our crazy on our sleeve. We are open, honest, and loving women who have only known sadness, lies, and betrayal.

I may be a little crazy, but I’d rather be crazy than be a bad person – like you.

hc
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/a-mon/

I’m Glad It Didn’t Work Out Part 6

The last part of the series – and my favorite. A series of apologies and relationships that just didn’t work out, click here for part 1, click here for part 2, click here for part 3, click here for part 4, click here for part 5.

I am overjoyed, ecstatic, and unbearably happy that it did not work out. It’s petty and it’s bitter to speak poorly about your exes, but I’ll gladly take those words from anyone in order to explain how it felt when you broke up with me.

You are the worst person I know. You’re really not a person at all. You jump from relationship to relationship in order to grasp pieces of yourself from the people you date. You are extremely incapable of being alone and in that sense I consider you weak. You were trying to make me weak, too.

You tricked me, took advantage of me, made me believe beautiful things, then left me in the dark. You strung me along for years. I repeatedly tried to get out of it and you repeatedly guilted me into staying. I know you were never faithful as I was. Just as you weren’t in your past relationships, just as you are and will be in your future relationships. Being unfaithful does not always include physical cheating, but you take advantage of that fine line.

I fell in love with you because I thought you were just like me. Finally someone understood and finally someone thought I was pretty and finally someone liked me. But you were just molding yourself to fit me. You were just consuming the attention of the first person who gave it to you. And you did the same exact thing when we “broke up”,  but with another victim.

Maybe we should talk about that. How you never actually broke up with me. Or how you never had the courage to say no to me. You always lead me on by saying “maybe” in order to disappoint me time and time and again. I’m sure there were good times, but I really just think I was feigning happiness because that’s what I was supposed to do. That is how I thought relationships were supposed to work. We were going to be with each other for the rest of our lives so it was okay that I had underlying unhappiness.

I am so glad it didn’t work out because I am capable of being alone. I am not weak. And your cowardice brought the unhappiness that I was trying to hide in our relationship out in the open. Clear to see. In a way, I’m glad we dated because I am a different person now. But in another way, I wish I had never had met you. You wasted my time, you wasted my emotions. All I can say is I hope one day you own up to the awful way you’ve treated people, not just me. I hope you own up to yourself because I truly do not care and do not wish for another half hearted apology from you. A puppy dog face that tries to make someone feel like it’s not your fault, but their own. I stopped buying it the moment you stopped trying to fit into my mold. I own up to my mistakes now. I have owned up to myself. I’m not weak, I’m not a coward, and I’m glad that we didn’t work out.

hc
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/james_sickmind/

I’m Glad It Didn’t Work Out Part 3

A series of apologies and relationships that just didn’t work out, click here for part 1, click here for part 2.

In college I really thought I didn’t need another relationship. Even though I sometimes got conflicted feelings about it, I still think the last thing I need is a relationship.

You felt the same way. It was so reassuring to have someone by my side who wasn’t going to beg me for a commitment. Just go with the flow and see how everything worked out. I was graduating in a couple months, so we both realistically knew it wasn’t going to work out anyway. But we liked each other – so why not enjoy the time we had together while we still had it?

You were afraid. I guess I was more sure about my level of commitment than you were. You were scared you’d end up liking me too much, but I think you were more scared that you were going to screw everything up. Which you did. But I took that risk.

I can’t really call it cheating, but I can call it a lack of respect. I never got insanely angry about it because then I’d just be like all the boys I dated who got mad at me for not being invested in something that wasn’t really relationship.

It kind of hurt – just because you ask a lot of questions about yourself when you’re cheated on. Am I pretty enough? Skinny enough? Good enough? But it was just one of those experiences that made me grow into a better person.

I’m glad it didn’t work out because it would have been much harder if we tried to make it work out. Even if we both had committed, it would’ve been a struggle and full of unhappiness.

I’m glad it didn’t work out because I’m sure it would’ve lead to hostility that we mostly avoided. I’d still buy you a tequila shot at the bar and I didn’t delete you on social media…again. I’m glad it didn’t work out because it’s just better this way.

hc
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/terrellcwoods/