Stop Revisiting Failed Relationships

If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again. This doesn’t apply to failing relationships, so stop trying and trying again when you already know it’s not going to work out.

I’m completely guilty of double, triple, quadruple thinking my decisions especially when it comes to relationships. After ending something I often wonder if I cut it off too abruptly, if I’m lonely now because I was meant to be with them, if maybe we could work if I just gave it a third chance.

And in my experience, the relationship had died, is still dead, and does not need to be revived.

Nostalgia brings up so many emotions, especially when you’re feeling lonely. It might seem like a good idea to send a text to your ex and see if you can still get that attention you need. But in most cases, it’s not a good idea.

Remember all  the reasons you broke up in the first place? The distance. The fighting. The cheating. The lying. The mistrust. Whatever it may have been – none of that has changed. All of the words exchanged can’t be forgotten and all of the pain that you went through will come back again when trying to rekindle an old flame.

Maybe you can give them a second chance, if all of the circumstances seem to be different this time. But a third chance is pushing it. A fourth chance is overdoing it. A fifth chance is just nonsense.

It’s not going to work, it’s never going to work. Stop trying to dredge up the past just to make yourself feel better. In the end, it will probably only make you feel worse.

photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/bennyseidelman/
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/bennyseidelman/

Dating Is Depressing

We’re often told that all good things must come to an end.  Which just means that every beginning has an ending. So it’s easy to look at dating with a negative viewpoint instead of a positive one.

This is especially true if you have gone through heart break.  Every relationship comes to a break up. It looks like every wave of feelings has a shelf life. Because married couples often get divorced, and kids my age often cheat on each other, and everyone at one point thinks they’ve fallen in love only to get crushed in the end.

Because there’s always an end.

Dating is depressing because I always go into it with the same outlook.  I dread first dates or even starting up any conversation with someone who seems interested in me because I know it’ll have to end.  And I know in most cases – because I’m so hesitant to date – I’ll be the one to end it. Just because I assume that at one point we’re going to break up, so I might as well get it over with now.

Dating is depressing because even if you do let yourself get vulnerable enough to like someone, they don’t have to like you back.  They don’t have to text you back, message you back, or call you back. You could singlehandedly crush yourself for having high expectations.

Dating is depressing because some people are really desperate to find the one – so they look for it in every person they meet.  They put you up on a pedestal and from the first time you make any sort of romantic contact, they think you’re perfect. They think you’re the one. And you just don’t think that way.

There are too many unanswered questions and too many emotions to invest for dating not to seem depressing to me. It’s easier to keep it light and fluffy, no strings attached, because honestly my life has enough problems as it is – who needs to throw another person’s problems into the mix?

photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/instantvantage/
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/instantvantage/

Forgetting Not Forgiving

The phrase goes: forgive and forget. Stop feeling the resent you feel towards someone and put it in the back of your mind.  That person’s mistake that caused you anger or hurt is gone forever and you move on with your life.

I’ve never really been one to forgive because a lot of people ask for second chances.  Then a third chance.  Then eventually they’re taking total advantage of your kindness.

In most cases, I forget rather than forgive.

There are circumstances I’ve been put in where I’ve been hurt enough just to give up on that person completely.  They don’t deserve my trust, my friendship, or me in their life in general.  I don’t mean it egotistically. I just feel so taken advantage of that I can’t ever act towards this person the way I did before – all they cause is pain – so I remove them from my life.

I delete them from social media.  I stop answering their texts. I don’t say hi when I see them in the bar.

I don’t make a big deal out of it, I don’t yell or scream.  I don’t subtweet cruelly or give death stares. Because I don’t see why someone who chose to wrong me should even deserve my attention at all. Why should I allow the possibility of hurt back into my life when I can just get rid of it all together?

I have a hard time forgiving because that just allows me to be vulnerable again.  Forgiving means, to me, justifying what you did wrong and in most cases – I just can’t do that.

I don’t hate you, I just don’t want to be around you.

photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/lukesst/
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/lukesst/

Stop Denying Your Relationship

photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/lanier67/
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/lanier67/

It’s not uncommon to come across cheating in college. Everyone knows the drama: he’s been cheating on her for years. She knows but ignores it. They both cheat on each other and never confront it. It only strengthens the stereotype of the hookup culture and makes everyone questions how relationships work in college.

When you’re in a relationship, it’s because you made the decision to commit yourself to someone. You love to spend your time with them, you don’t get tired of them, you don’t feel your eyes wandering or the need to really be with anyone else. You have a boyfriend or girlfriend, you have a person, someone who cares about you just as much as you care about them and would do anything for you.

If you find yourself often denying your relationship – you might have a problem.  Consistently telling people you are single, or not dating anyone, or “no, I don’t have a girlfriend – why would you ask me that?” means there is an underlying issue to your relationship.  The problem either is your relationship isn’t meant to be or the problem is you.

You can give it any other label than “relationship”. You can say it’s not official, or you’re just talking, or just hooking up. But it’s a relationship no matter which way you spin it – you’re probably just too selfish to admit it.

It’s not okay to deny your relationship. It’s definitely not okay to be asking other girls to come over at 3 am, or ask them out on dates, or text them constantly while asking to hang out a million times a day. You’re not slick, you’re not sly, and it’s not cool that you think you can get away with dating more than one person at a time when you’ve made a commitment to someone.

If you’re very happy in your relationship when your significant other is around, then you need to stop denying your relationship and give it a real shot. Stop telling other people you’re single and stop asking them to come over while insinuating a hook up.

You’re just too selfish to let go of your single self. If that’s the case, you shouldn’t be hurting other people in the process. Especially someone you cared enough about to call your girlfriend or boyfriend. And you’re probably letting a good thing go by being that selfish.

Forgetting How To Be Vulnerable

It happens to the best of us, we put up a wall and we have no idea how to knock it down.

Someone along the way hurt you enough or broke your heart enough for you to start building brick by brick.  An indestructible shield around yourself so that no one could get through like that again.  So no one could ever cause that kind of damage to you again.

You probably let that wall down a few times since the initial heartache.  Believing that this time it would be different, that this time you could handle it, that this time there would only be love and not lies. But this just lead to you building that wall with stronger materials. Taller and wider and stronger. Now there really is no way around it.

Being vulnerable is a huge part of a relationship.  The difference between someone being your friend and someone being your significant other has mainly to do how open and comfortable you are with them. If you can’t reveal your blackened and dusty secrets to them – who can you tell?

Now so many of us don’t know how to be vulnerable anymore. Everything we do in the dating world is hidden behind a facade – whether we mean to or not.  Yeah, it would be great to connect someone on that level.  It would be amazing to dig up the things you’ve buried so far deep in yourself because you didn’t have anyone to tell.

But how do you know when someone deserves this information?  And how do you know what they’re going to do with it?  They could cherish it and understand you – forming a bond and a love that will make your life bliss.  Or they could crush it and ignore you – do what everyone else did and leave you in the dark.

Not being vulnerable will hinder your relationships.  I often find myself answering questions generically rather than thoughtfully saying what I’m thinking because I don’t see the point.  You can ask me how my day is going and I can either tell you how it really is.  How I’m really bummed today because it’s raining, I had awful nightmares and didn’t sleep, I’m just overall cranky. Or I can tell you it’s fine.  Because are you really going to fix my bad day – do you really even care?

They say the right person will knock down your wall. They’ll take their hammer and chip away at the hard pieces of you.  But if you have no vulnerability left – will that person ever even get close enough?

photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/lockechrisj/
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/lockechrisj/

Being Second Best

Who doesn’t like to win? We are wired to be the best we can be and it’s a very disrupting feeling to know you’re coming in second to someone – especially in relationships.

It’s a hookup culture, we know that a lot of people are hooking up with more than one person at a time.  We accept it, because we’re probably doing it too.  What hurts is knowing you are not someone’s number one choice.

You could get cheated on.  You could be the person being held on the back burner while the person you like is in a relationship.  You could be the second option when it comes to a booty call. You could be the afterthought. 

All of these things and more will make you believe that you are second best.  If you get cheated on, you’ll believe it’s because someone else is better than you.  Someone made a greater offer, was prettier, or smarter – just overall better than you.

You could be held on the back burner, even participate in someone’s cheating in their relationship. But if you were the one they wanted to be with, you would be.  There’s obviously someone else who means more.

You probably know when you’re hooking up with someone if they are also hooking up with other people.  You’re not the first call, there was someone more worthy than you.  But you were just more available.

Overall, it sucks to be the second option – so don’t make yourself the second option.  If your crush wants someone else, let them have it.  Don’t be the rag doll to be picked up and played with sporadically.  It may make you feel good for a while – to have your first choice pick you first for once too – but it will only make you feel worse in the end.  You’ll never come in first to these people, at least not morally. Come first in your own life and find someone who will always make you feel like you’ve won.

photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/128539140@N03/
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/128539140@N03/

The One Who Makes You Backslide

There are plenty of fish in the sea, but chances are you are already on someone’s hook.

We all have that one person who lives deep in the cracks of our pushed-away memories.  It’s the person that hurt us badly, but we still love.  It’s the person who will always cause us to backslide.

This person could disappear for days, months, or years and we would still let them into our house if they showed up at our doorstep. Because they just have a way with you. It’s a silent want and need to have the person you have been suppressing your love for to finally love you back.  Even if you hate them, even if they did you so wrong, this person will always have a piece of your heart.

And they will always cause you to backslide.

This is never a good thing.  Backsliding means you are falling right back into a place that ended in unhappiness.  It’s so easy to let them have some sort of control over you because of the intense love/hate feeling you hold in your heart and in your brain.  It’s a constant battle to get back someone you loved, but push away someone who hurt you.

Don’t fall back in line with your backslider.  

Every situation with this person ends up the same way. They go on their jolly way after using you for brief support, and you collapse back into the hole that you had just recently climbed out of.  Never let your insecurities best you, especially when it comes to someone who cause some of those insecurities.  Avoid your backslider or rise above them – you’ll always deserve better than how they treated you. You were fine without them before, you’ll be fine without them now.

Photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/helga/
Photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/helga/