The Girl I’ve Tried To Be

I’ve never really felt like I fit in. Being quite an introvert and a homebody, I’ve felt myself try to change on many occasions to please other people and to just be accepted.

I’ve tried to be the girl that was too cool for school. The girl that only kept a few friends, hated all her teachers, hated her parents, and just didn’t try very hard. It left me with only a few options for college and no friends after I left for college. I chose to be around the wrong people, so leaving them behind wasn’t hard.

I’ve tried to just fit in. I felt like I was inserting myself into other people’s friendships the first two years of college. Thanks to a couple of great people who helped me along the way, I found a group but had to do everything I could to actually become a member of that group. I felt lost, felt like I was being pulled in 100 different directions.

I’ve tried to be the party girl who just didn’t care. And I didn’t, for a while. It was probably the only time I felt people enjoyed being in my company but it was all an act. An alcohol-induced version of myself that was much more fun and much more charming than sober me. When all was said and done and there weren’t $2-you-call-its every Thursday-Monday in the real world – I was empty.

I’ve tried to be myself and that just left me more hurt than any of the facades. Every time I tried to push past my awkward walls and reveal the innocence inside me, someone would come along and damage it fast. To the point where I can barely see my old self anymore, to the point where I’m so guarded I don’t even know who to be.

So I retreat and stay where it’s safe. Make an appearance every once in a while, try to show the people I love that I love them without feeling like I’m trying to be something I’m not. The girls I’ve tried to be all haunt me, I’m just trying not to be a ghost of myself anymore.

photo of woman
Photo by Tobi on Pexels.com

Give Yourself A Break

If you read my post where I documented all of my negative thoughts in 24 hours, you’ll know that I have a lot of negative thoughts about myself. We are so hard on ourselves. And this is on top of the weight that the world is already putting on our shoulders. Responsibilities are always going to pile up, people are always going to disappoint you, and life is just not going to go as planned.

But that’s okay. Seriously, give yourself a break.

You can’t control the actions of others. You can’t control how people treat you, you can’t control life’s unforeseen twists and turns. And you can’t punish yourself for the things you can’t control. Sometimes people are just going to suck and sometimes bad things are just going to happen.

For the things you can control, be realistic. You can’t always control every aspect of your job, you can’t just quit when time’s get tough. You can’t always control how much time you have in a day to just be yourself. But you can empower yourself to learn how to deal with it better, to speak up for yourself, or to make changes when change is necessary.

But you seriously need to give yourself a break.

Take one day this week to jot down every negative thing you thought about yourself. See how hard you’re being and how unrealistic you’re being. Because you deserve better from other people, but you definitely deserve better from yourself.

woman sitting on a cliff watching the body of water
Photo by Adrijana on Pexels.com

24 Hours Of Negative Thoughts

Yesterday, I decided to write down every negative thought I had about myself or the things I can’t control. Because I know I’m greeting life’s challenges with a bad attitude and I want to change it, at least as much as I can. Here’s every bad thing I thought in a day, tomorrow I will begin to work on shortening this list and creating a more positive one. I want to greet the day with a better outlook and I want to stop being so hard on myself. So here it goes.

  1. Why am I always sick?
  2. My skin is so broken out.
  3. My skin is so dry.
  4. This would look better on me if I was skinny.
  5. I am not a morning person.
  6. I’m so tired of stupid people.
  7. This is the worst drive ever.
  8. I’m already annoyed and I haven’t even gotten to work yet.
  9. I should probably skip breakfast .
  10. I already know I’m going to be tired later.
  11. I put way too much work on my plate.
  12. No one even cares about my Instagram or blog.
  13. I wish people had a little more faith in me.
  14. I’d rather be asleep.
  15. I’m so selfish.
  16. I feel like crap.
  17. I wish I had more style…
  18. Meh.
  19. I wish I could just make a decision on my own.
  20. I told myself I was going to work out tonight but I’m probably just going to sit on the couch.
  21. I’m so lazy.
  22. I really need to start dieting.
  23. I am a pretty sucky girlfriend.
  24. * A LOT of thoughts about past actions *

This isn’t a post for people to pity me, it’s a challenge for all of us to just at least acknowledge all the bad things we say to ourselves every day. With that acknowledgement, maybe we can make a change.

woman wearing brown knit cap
Photo by Sergey Yelshyn on Pexels.com

Living With Migraines

I’ve suffered for migraines since my young teens. And for a while I thought it was just something that everyone gets. We all have headaches, we all have migraines, I just get mine more than other people.

But while most people have had headaches, they don’t know the debilitation of a migraine. When the ONLY way to get rid of the pulsing pain in your head is to take excedrin, put a cold wash cloth on your head, and sleep. And if you can’t do that, then you just have to spend your day with your migraine. All light is sensitive and all noises are louder than usual. You’re probably nauseous and cranky, it feels like someone is stabbing you in the brain. And you have to work through it, because that’s life with migraines.

You know when someone’s had a migraine before when you tell them you have one and they give you the “I’m so sorry” face. You know when someone hasn’t had a migraine before when you tell them you have one and they’re confused as to why a headache has you couch-ridden.

My migraines are stress induced and I’m stressed out…a lot. In college, every hangover wasn’t just accompanied by that dehydrated splitting headache, but a full blown migraine putting pressure on my temples. Every work day that goes south too fast has me laying on the couch as soon as 5pm hits. Any weekend where I had a stressful sleep includes me trying to shake off the migraine all morning long.

Migraines take time out of my day and they’ve definitely kept me from doing some things I’ve wanted to do. Almost every time we travel, I’m graced with a migraine when we land. Which means our first day of the trip is either miserably powering through or sleeping it off.

The people who don’t have them don’t get it, the people who have them get it too much.

adult black and white darkness face
Photo by Juan Pablo Arenas on Pexels.com

Follow Me On Social Media

I’ve gained quite a few followers here in the past month, so hello to all of you! Below are my social media pages if you want to follow along. Feel free to leave your links in the comments!

I have to say, I’ve been teetering around 10 followers away from 7k on Instagram for weeks. So help a girl out, I’m strugggglllling!

Instagram: @rosieculture
Facebook: facebook.com/rosieculture
Twitter: @rosieculture

The Struggle Of Being Sentimental

I’ve never had a good memory and I’ve never had a huge attachment to places. But if I have a token of a place or a photo of a time, then I’m able to remember the event more clearly. I collect things from important people and places I go and I’ve become very sentimental.

I have boxes of things I’ve acquired over the years. Diaries, cards, ticket stubs, birthday presents that came from people who I left in the past, a lot of bad poetry from high school. I have a hard time throwing those things away because they are probably the only things that will trigger those memories for me.

I went through some of the boxes recently and could only throw away a few things. Diaries that mostly only spoke about how my family were jerks and how I was fat, photos of people who left me with bad feelings, and trinkets that I couldn’t find an attachment to.

But there’s so much left and the problem with being sentimental isn’t that I’m going to become a hoarder one day. The problem is that these things make me miss people who have hurt me, who I don’t even like anymore. They make me miss times that I was actually miserable during. But by being so sentimental, it’s easy to forget the bad. Even when they are things that should be long gone.

It’s hard to be so sentimental, I feel oddly attached to dumb things and then feel like reaching out to people who stopped caring about me altogether. It’s a dangerous road and I’ve found it best to just keep those boxes closed.

diary girl hand journal
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com