It’s Not Always 50/50

I recently read some Twitter wisdom that really stuck with me. When it comes to relationships, everyday won’t be 50/50. Some days will, but some days all he will have is 10 and you gotta give 90 but it’s okay. Because some days all you’ll have is 10 and he’ll give 90.

I rarely feel like my relationship is 50/50 and it’s the weight of my end that I can’t carry. It makes me feel so guilty to think that I put so much on boyfriend daily. I struggle with basic tasks when my anxiety strikes, I’ve always been a little selfish because of what I’ve been through in my past, and I’m undeniably lazy.

But that’s my point of view. If you asked him, he’d name all the things I do for him. He’d count out all the days where I’ve given 80 when he’s only had 20. And maybe my bad days outweigh his, but I definitely do give sometimes. Even though it’s hard for me to give.

It’s about sacrifice, it’s about give and take. Relationships aren’t always 50/50 and they aren’t always easy. It requires work and effort to keep a relationship blooming and happy. When you get comfortable, it’s easy to lose sight of the effort you really need to be putting in to ensure your partner is happy. When you both resort to scrolling through your phones all night after work instead of having a conversation over dinner, it’s time to realize what you’re putting in and what more you can be doing.

How others see your relationship, how your partner sees your relationship, and how you see your relationship can all be very different. Which is why communication is important and why we all need to pick up the slack sometimes.

Moving In Together – 6 Months In

After about a year and a half of dating, my boyfriend and I moved in together and I wrote about my first impressions here.

Leading up to it, I wasn’t nervous at all. I was excited to be in one place, no more traveling back and forth to see each other and leading separate lives. Everything would be more convenient and it just felt like the next step. But the day we moved in, I freaked. The weight of all that could go wrong fell on me.

We’ve now been living together for six months and a lot has happened. We got a dog, we moved past the newness of living together, we’ve settled. We’ve had friends over, we’ve stayed in, we’ve fought, we’ve enjoyed our time together, and we’ve learned to give each other space.

It all really just happens naturally if you’re not forcing it. Nothing in life is rainbows and butterflies. You’re going to load the dishwasher wrong and he’s going to throw your dry clean only pants in the dryer and the dog is going to chew up all of your socks. Though social media doesn’t quite show those things, that’s just the way life is.

It’s basically nothing like the photo I used for this blog post. It’s not perfect, but that’s okay.

Six months in and we feel very comfortable in our little apartment together with our little family. It feels right for right now, but does have me thinking about the future a lot. Being together is great, but life has other factors and questions to consider. Do we want to live here forever? No, but when can we move? Are we on the right path for our careers? Can we follow those paths together? When’s the time to make next steps? Do we have to get engaged soon? Married? AH!

Everything is moving slow right now and I kind of just want it to speed up. But that’s no way to live and I’m way too uncertain about most of life’s decisions lately to be able to hop skip and jump to the future. All I can do is try to live in the moment and know that the here and now in our relationships and our little home is great.

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Accepting Break Up Blame

I don’t like my exes, not a single one of them. My relationships/spurts of dating/long-time hook ups ended poorly often. I might’ve not liked them even before we broke up. Sometimes I stopped liking them during the break up process. Other times, we were friendly for a while, but I ultimately stopped liking them. Mostly due to resentment over any mistrust, being cheated on, or just seeing them be happy when they didn’t let me be happy or caused me to be unhappy for a while.

You may think that because I don’t like them, it probably means they did something wrong. And that’s true, but the bad blood doesn’t fall all on them. As much as I’d like to sit here and play victim, I wasn’t always innocent.

I didn’t cheat, I didn’t intentionally try to hurt people, but I did let things go on longer than they should’ve. I did put a lot of time into things I knew weren’t going to work, did act one way and say the opposite.

I accept some of the break up blame. In most cases, I did the breaking up because I either recognized my faults in the relationship or the guy I was dating at the time did something to screw everything up.

I’ve written a lot about my exes, I’ve written a lot about how much I resent them and how far I’ve come since them. But I’ve shrugged off a lot of the blame until now. I might’ve not been the problem that caused us to break up, but I was part of the problem. All I can do now is move on and grow from it and wish them all the best of luck.

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Being There For An Independent Person

Some people want to be needed. Some people are just needy. Some people don’t need anything at all.

Truly independent people are hard to come by. They have themselves together, they’ve gotten through life and don’t need your help. It’s hard to be in a relationship with someone like that because they are so used to being on their own. It’s so hard to be there for someone like that because they know they can carry the weight of the world on their shoulders.

But they don’t have to anymore.

And that’s what you have to make them realize. When you are dating an independent person and you need to be there for them, you have to show them that you are not taking the world off their shoulders. But you can help them carry it. Or you can take little bits and pieces to lighten the load.

They may resist, and that’s fine. As long as you make sure that they are aware that you are there. That you’re waiting with a safety  net to catch anything that falls. That you have your arms wide open in case they need a break.

It’s not easy to be there for an independent person, but it is definitely possible. Because even the truly independent people still need a little help sometimes.

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How To Know You’re Not Settling

Settling usually comes from desperation. You are desperate to be loved, to be happy, to find the one, to have what other people have. So desperate, in fact, that you will settle with anyone just to feel an ounce of the emotions you are looking for.

We’re all a little desperate, being single makes us that way. We may be happy alone, but we still get lonely. We see the love that others share and we want a bite of it. Desperation ensues.

So when you do finally find someone that you want to be in a committed relationship with, it’s easy to ask yourself – am I settling?

For me, it’s one of my biggest fears. Because I’ve done it before and it ended so horribly. But there are a couple of ways to know that this person is the real deal.

If it took you a long time to actually find someone you wanted to be in a relationship with, you’re not settling. You were still being picky and not just choosing someone for the sake of being loved.

If you feel happy all the time when you’re with them, you’re not settling. Tiny doubts are always normal – you have to look at the big picture.

If your dreams, goals , ambitions, and hobbies match up, you’re not settling. It sounds like you’ve found a true partner to go through life with.

You might have been desperate, but that doesn’t mean you settled. A settling relationship hits bumps in the road pretty quick. If this person is the person who makes you truly happy – you didn’t settle, you just found the right one.

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I’m Glad It Didn’t Work Out Part 4

A series of apologies and relationships that just didn’t work out, click here for part 1, click here for part 2, click here for part 3.

Well I’m glad it didn’t work out, but I’m not really even sure what “it” is. It’s funny how something so far out of reach can feel so real. You were really just a mirage, a distant figure to help boost my self esteem. For how imaginary you really were, I still fell so hard.

A relationship formed over text messages and exchanging innocent pictures. I was so young and you were so young. I was so impressionable. I turned to strangers for confirmation that I greatly lacked in my real life. We were MySpace junkies, all looking for love that we just couldn’t find unless it was through a computer.

There was drama – how was there drama? It was so unnecessary and it hurt a lot. It shouldn’t have hurt that much, it shouldn’t have mattered at all. But I was so desperate to find myself and to find someone who understood me. I didn’t understand my self at the time and certainly no one else did either.

In a way you helped me. You gave me something to reach for, something to work towards. You gave me the naive giggles and a smile to go to sleep with.

And we made it through years and years. You’re probably the only friend I’ve kept for this long – if you can even call us friends. We still slightly depend on each other, grasping at that person who is so out of touch that you can bring them back in whenever you want. We use each other in that way.

I’m glad it didn’t work out because we’re so much older now. Back then we were just kids looking for any answers we could get. I’m glad it didn’t work out because one day it might work out. Even if it doesn’t, that’s okay too.

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Nice Guys Don’t Always Finish Last

“Nice guys finish last.” Why do I always hear that? There is some sort of stereotype in the world that says girls like to be treated like dirt, so they intentionally find the guys that are going to hurt them and ignore all of those wonderful ‘nice guys’ who are pining for them.

First of all: no one in the world wants to be treated poorly. Not girls, not guys – at least, not on purpose.

A girl won’t ignore you, not date you, or friendzone you just because you’re nice.  There are other factors involved such as: she doesn’t think you’re attractive, you act too much like a friend, you don’t have any sort of challenge or spark to you.  This isn’t personal – we’re all attracted to different types of people and you’re just not that person’s type.

Of course we want someone who is going to be nice to us.  But we don’t want someone who reminds us of our brother. Protective is great, but family-like is not. Did you ever stop to think that maybe you’re being too nice? To the point where it’s a little unrealistic…

Also who, besides you, is calling you a nice guy? Because nice guys (in my opinion) don’t put down other people just because they don’t like you.

Who even said the problem is you? Because a lot of the time, the problem is me! The girl you like might not want to date anyone, might be going through some problems, or recently got her heart broken.  It’s not because you’re a nice guy, it’s because she’s not ready.

I can agree that a lot of girls gravitate to guys who present more of a challenge – but a lot of guys also gravitate to girls who present more of a challenge. It’s all a matter of taste and in a lot of cases, it only takes getting hurt once for someone to realize they’re not always up for a challenge.

Stop blaming the fact that you’re not in a relationship on you being a nice guy.  That’s great if you’re a nice guy and I’m sure one day you’ll be making someone very happy! But there are a lot of single people in the world, a lot of people who try and fail at relationships, and their personalities all differ.  The nice guy doesn’t always finish last.

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