Do What You Have To After A Break Up

How do I know when a girl just went through a break up? She starts posting selfies, deep quotes and poetry, and sharing Thought Catalog articles about how being alone is better (at least share my blog posts guys, come on). And then all of her relationship pictures start to fade from her social media. Her profile picture changes to a solo pic or a photo of a girl’s night out. And the status quietly changes to single.

It’s all a little cliche. That whole dying your hair a wacky color after a break up to try to change your identity. People talk about it all the time and poke fun at the girls having their poetry induced break through. They talk about how much she’s changed and how funny it is that she never used to act that way.

Well, they change because break ups change you. They force you to look at yourself as a lone person and understand who you truly are. Maybe you are a blonde at heart, a party girl, or an independent being.

Who cares what anyone else thinks? As if they’ve never had a life shattering break up, as if they’ve never hit their single and ready to mingle phase.

We’re all guilty of it, and even if we weren’t, girl, DO YOU! Do what you have to to find yourself,  to feel better and move on. If you have to make out with a lot of people, do it. If you have to talk crap on your ex, do it. If it makes you feel better I did it on a blog for all of the world to see, you can just do it in a group chat. Or start a blog. Why not?

If you have to share poetry about fueling your fucking fire, shout out Christopher Poindexter, then DO it. No one can tell you how to heal. Don’t ever feel silly about the things you are doing to better yourself and move on. I’m rooting for you and every girl who has had their life changed by a break up is rooting for you.

hc
Photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/samuelyoo/

Accepting Break Up Blame

I don’t like my exes, not a single one of them. My relationships/spurts of dating/long-time hook ups ended poorly often. I might’ve not liked them even before we broke up. Sometimes I stopped liking them during the break up process. Other times, we were friendly for a while, but I ultimately stopped liking them. Mostly due to resentment over any mistrust, being cheated on, or just seeing them be happy when they didn’t let me be happy or caused me to be unhappy for a while.

You may think that because I don’t like them, it probably means they did something wrong. And that’s true, but the bad blood doesn’t fall all on them. As much as I’d like to sit here and play victim, I wasn’t always innocent.

I didn’t cheat, I didn’t intentionally try to hurt people, but I did let things go on longer than they should’ve. I did put a lot of time into things I knew weren’t going to work, did act one way and say the opposite.

I accept some of the break up blame. In most cases, I did the breaking up because I either recognized my faults in the relationship or the guy I was dating at the time did something to screw everything up.

I’ve written a lot about my exes, I’ve written a lot about how much I resent them and how far I’ve come since them. But I’ve shrugged off a lot of the blame until now. I might’ve not been the problem that caused us to break up, but I was part of the problem. All I can do now is move on and grow from it and wish them all the best of luck.

hc
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/hernanpc/

My New Relationship Feels Familiar

My current boyfriend reminds me of my ex boyfriend. There are a lot of similarities between the two relationships that my head almost spins sometimes because it seems so familiar.

And I was kind of worried about that because my old relationship ended in an all out war of who could make the other person feel worse. My old relationship was emotionally scarring and unstable. My old relationship left me broken and scared. My old relationship sucked.

I was sitting here thinking about how I would like a lizard as a pet, maybe my boyfriend and I could buy one together. But it feels a little weird to me because I used to have a lizard as a pet, my ex and I bought one together.

Coincidentally, both guys like lizards.

But it’s not a coincidence to like someone who has things in common with me. I felt all of these similarities between this relationship and an old one, but really the similarities just have to do with me. I’ve found someone like my ex because I’ve found someone who I have a lot in common with.

And just because they both liked sports, tattoos, lizards, and some other silly things, doesn’t mean that the relationship is the same. This relationship is safe, trusting, open, honest, and loving. My old relationship was full of distrust, anger, and emotional abuse.

Duh, I have a type. And this looming feeling of similarities doesn’t have to be looming at all. It’s actually really cool that I found someone that I have stuff in common with that I can have a healthy relationship with. I didn’t date my ex for four years for no reason, it was because we had similar interests and therefore we had fun together.

My new relationship kind of reminds me of an old relationship, but better.

hc
Photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/super_pat/

How Hopeless I Felt When I Was Single

I’m not sure why being single seems like it’s the end of the world. I guess no matter how hard I looked at it, no one looked as happy when they were single as they did when they were in a relationship.

There was a good chunk of time for me when being single was like torture. There was also a time where I held onto it real tight, avoiding every relationship possible.

But I never really stopped feeling hopeless. When I was happy being single, I still got lonely. My friends all were in relationships and when they were off doing their boyfriend/girlfriend thing, I was alone. It taught me to be by myself, but it made me think I would always be by myself. When I started to become comfortable alone and do well by myself, I felt even more hopeless that I would never find what my friends had. That I would never find what I was reading about in books or binge watching on Netflix.

And when I was sad being single, I was more than hopeless. I felt that I was hard to love. There had been a time where I had given the boy I loved everything. But then I felt like I had nothing left to give.

It’s normal to feel hopeless when you’re single, whether you’re happy or sad. But even when you give up on yourself, the person that’s right for you won’t be giving up at all. It takes time, patience, and a lot of learning. But you’re not hopeless.

hc
Photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/james_sickmind/

You NEED To Be Selfish

It was when I had gotten screwed over in a relationship for the I-don’t-know-how-many-th time that I finally decided to make a change. Whether it was a different guy hurting me or hurting myself by going back to the same guy over and over again, at the end of the day I was hurting.

And that’s when I stopped caring about being selfish.

How many times can someone tell you they’re not going to do something again, then do it again? How many times will you believe them?

You so often care about other people’s feelings, but forget about yourself. And how is that even possible? To forget about the feelings of the actual entity that you are. It seems impossible, but we often allow ourselves to get hurt to save others.

It’s time to save yourself.

Being sad, being broken, being mistreated really isn’t just another part of life. It isn’t something you have to accept. You don’t have to accept anything other than what makes you happy. But we accept the sad, broken, mistreatment because we aren’t thinking of ourselves the way we should be.

Go out and get your happiness. Stomp a few hearts on the way, cut off some friendships, delete the phone numbers and unfollow them on Twitter. If they’re not helping you get where you need to go, they are unnecessary. If you’re being held back, it’s time to start being selfish.

It’s rough, it’s not always the nicest thing to do to the people you love. But how do you expect to take care of them when you can’t take care of yourself? A little selfishness goes a long way.

hc
Photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/maximilianmann/

The Hookup On: Trying Out Spritzr

This is a sponsored post. All opinions are mine.

I’ve often found that people refer to dating apps as a game, but most of the apps out there right now are not actually a game.

I came across Spritzr, a match making app, that has more fun and game like qualities than any other app out there right now. If you’re swiping through boring apps and looking for a little more fun, Spritzr is the place for you! Check it out here: https://spritzr.com/

Whether you are single or in a relationship, Spritzr allows anyone to play matchmaker. I especially like this because:

  1. My single friends are always looking to be set up.
  2. I’m missing out on all the dating app fun now that I’m in a relationship!

You can play matchmaker for your friends and help them discover what they have in common. Your friends probably know you better than you know yourself, so why not let them give it a try?

If your friends aren’t on the app, you can match community members without knowing them. You see a main user profile and several secondary ones that Spritzr suggests. If you believe any of those are a good match just drag and drop it onto the main user profile.

This is a game that even has rewards! You can make 10 matches daily and even be rewarded when a good match is done.

These dates are recommended by real people, not just random swiping through people nearby or calculated algorithms that don’t really seem to work. I was a big user of dating apps when I was single and Spritzr seems a lot more fun and a lot more friendly.

Download the app here:

Itunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/spritzr-best-matchmaking-app/id947628787

Google: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.spritzr

Ready to try? Give me a comment below if you’re thinking of downloading the app!

hc

 

How I Finally Got The Dating Thing Right

I felt like I was single forever after my last long term relationship. I had made the choice to stay single, mostly because I was so aware of how I was kissing frogs that definitely weren’t going to turn into princes any time soon.

Every time I tried to date, I just couldn’t get comfortable. Reaching out to people I had lost touch with to spark something felt awkward. Meeting people for the first time and getting to know their whole life story felt like a lot of work. The whole thing was so exhausting.

It was so much easier to get what I want and then get out. Just scratch the surface a tiny bit until it’s time to leave. Because every time I tried to go deeper, I felt anxious and out of sorts. I just thought being in a committed relationship wasn’t for me.

What I didn’t realize at the time was where that anxiety was coming from. It wasn’t because dating was awkward or because it took a lot of work. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to get to know someone or love someone. It was because the people I was dating didn’t match me. My weird didn’t fit their weird.

Being your own kind of weird is when you are your complete self. You let that weird out when you’re with your best friends, goofing around with your siblings, when you really get to know someone. But not everyone’s weird matches yours and that becomes very apparent when you are dating.

I tried to force things that didn’t fit because everyone was telling me I was being too picky and I was telling myself that these things weren’t working out because I was the problem.

There is no magic answer to finding the person you’re supposed to be with. The only thing I can tell you is that when you find them, you won’t feel awkward. You won’t feel uncomfortable, anxious, or exhausted. Your weird will match their weird and then it all falls in to place.

It still takes work, but it’s fun work. And that’s how I got the dating thing right after many years of feeling wrong.

hc
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/ileohidalgo/