How Past Relationships Held Me Back

I’ve always felt held back by the people I’ve dated in the past. I think a lot of my relationships ended abruptly, they left me without closure.

Because sometimes I ended things fast because I wasn’t ready for anything serious. And sometimes I was strung along without any explanation at all and then left for dead after the break up.

I tried my best to not let those things affect me, but they always have. Those things put my love life in slow motion. When I finally found someone I wanted to date, I had to make all the first moves because when someone else did it I’d get scared and run away. It took a while to make things official, to even convince myself this was 100% what I wanted.

And even now as we live together I get so many pangs of not knowing what I want in life.

Recently I’ve heard that one of my exes has moved on…I don’t keep tabs on them at all because the more distance I put between me and them helped me feel better. But the news made me realize I’m ready to move on too.

You know when you hear about an ex getting engaged, married, having kids and you just feel mad? I used to feel that way a lot. Like I’m the one who put so much time and effort into you only for you to crush me and use your brand new self on someone so much less deserving than me. Yeah, I was bitter.

But after this recent news, a lot of things became much more clear to me. I don’t care about my exes. I don’t care about them one bit. I still think of them from time to time, but it’s almost like hearing my ex moved on set me straight. A lot of my doubts have faded and I’ve finally cut the strings my exes tied to me.

I feel better, I feel happy, and I feel certain.

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Photo by Life Of Pix on Pexels.com

Accepting Break Up Blame

I don’t like my exes, not a single one of them. My relationships/spurts of dating/long-time hook ups ended poorly often. I might’ve not liked them even before we broke up. Sometimes I stopped liking them during the break up process. Other times, we were friendly for a while, but I ultimately stopped liking them. Mostly due to resentment over any mistrust, being cheated on, or just seeing them be happy when they didn’t let me be happy or caused me to be unhappy for a while.

You may think that because I don’t like them, it probably means they did something wrong. And that’s true, but the bad blood doesn’t fall all on them. As much as I’d like to sit here and play victim, I wasn’t always innocent.

I didn’t cheat, I didn’t intentionally try to hurt people, but I did let things go on longer than they should’ve. I did put a lot of time into things I knew weren’t going to work, did act one way and say the opposite.

I accept some of the break up blame. In most cases, I did the breaking up because I either recognized my faults in the relationship or the guy I was dating at the time did something to screw everything up.

I’ve written a lot about my exes, I’ve written a lot about how much I resent them and how far I’ve come since them. But I’ve shrugged off a lot of the blame until now. I might’ve not been the problem that caused us to break up, but I was part of the problem. All I can do now is move on and grow from it and wish them all the best of luck.

hc
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/hernanpc/

11 Texts From My Exes

I’ve had good relationships that ended badly, good relationships that ended well, and bad relationships that ended (obviously) badly. I casually dated in college, never really wanting to make a full commitment after getting my heart broken. So even though we weren’t “official” I still consider some people as an ex because of all the feelings involved and because there was inevitably a break up.

After a break up, it’s always easier to blame the other person. It makes you feel better to talk shit about them, to ignore them in public, to make yourself seem like the good guy. But I scrolled through lengthy conversations to find some texts from my exes that evoke emotion. It all just made me reflect on how fast you can fall in and out of love, how badly you can hurt someone without meaning to, and how – no matter how much you ignore it – sometimes you are the bad guy. These are 11 texts from 6 different people, dating from 2007 to 2015 – here’s almost 10 years of unsuccessful love:

 

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(He ended up being angry at me a lot, actually, but mostly because I was being sucky)

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One of many countless apologies we’ve exchanged.

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Awwwwwwww.

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Double awwwwwww.

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His grammatical errors killed me, but he was always sweet.

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I dug him a lot too.

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I am pretty awesome though.

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Makes me think about how imperfect I actually am.

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Forever is not as long as you’d think it would be……

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What can I say? When I fall, I fall hard.

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Definitely not true, but I’ll take what I can get.