The Girl I’ve Tried To Be

I’ve never really felt like I fit in. Being quite an introvert and a homebody, I’ve felt myself try to change on many occasions to please other people and to just be accepted.

I’ve tried to be the girl that was too cool for school. The girl that only kept a few friends, hated all her teachers, hated her parents, and just didn’t try very hard. It left me with only a few options for college and no friends after I left for college. I chose to be around the wrong people, so leaving them behind wasn’t hard.

I’ve tried to just fit in. I felt like I was inserting myself into other people’s friendships the first two years of college. Thanks to a couple of great people who helped me along the way, I found a group but had to do everything I could to actually become a member of that group. I felt lost, felt like I was being pulled in 100 different directions.

I’ve tried to be the party girl who just didn’t care. And I didn’t, for a while. It was probably the only time I felt people enjoyed being in my company but it was all an act. An alcohol-induced version of myself that was much more fun and much more charming than sober me. When all was said and done and there weren’t $2-you-call-its every Thursday-Monday in the real world – I was empty.

I’ve tried to be myself and that just left me more hurt than any of the facades. Every time I tried to push past my awkward walls and reveal the innocence inside me, someone would come along and damage it fast. To the point where I can barely see my old self anymore, to the point where I’m so guarded I don’t even know who to be.

So I retreat and stay where it’s safe. Make an appearance every once in a while, try to show the people I love that I love them without feeling like I’m trying to be something I’m not. The girls I’ve tried to be all haunt me, I’m just trying not to be a ghost of myself anymore.

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Living By The Judgement Of Others

I did a few things this summer that made me stop in my tracks and think “wow that was really fun!” I went to the beach and swam in the ocean, I jumped in the pool, and I went on a few rides at a carnival.

These are all very normal things that probably everyone has done at least once in their life, right? Well I have too. I used to spend my summers in the ocean and I’d jump at a chance to go in a pool. I loved stomach-drop rides and carnival food. But I hadn’t done any of those things in years.

College made me VERY aware of how often people judge each other. And because of that, I began to live by that judgment. I’ve never liked wearing a bathing suit and I like it even less now so I just stopped swimming. And I almost just stopped having juvenile fun that is normal for people to enjoy because I cut myself off from so many things in fear of judgement.

I went in the ocean and didn’t care if my stomach jiggled a little bit. And I went in the pool without minding the fact that people will see me without make up. And I screamed my head off on a tower of terror ride and then laughed about how insane it was with my friends. It made me kind of sad to realize I’ve been missing out on this child-like fun because of the pressure to be cool.

Seriously, even when you’re 25 there is a pressure to be a “cool kid.”

I can’t tell people to turn their lives around and stop living by the judgment of others -because it’s hard. By nature, we just want to fit in. But I hope everyone has one of those moments where they realize they’ve given up too much for the sake of being cool, because I’m a lot happier now that I jumped in the pool.

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