The Hate That Can Come From Love

Love can change us. Young love shapes us, quick love pleases us, the love that’s here to stay grounds us. But I don’t think anything changes you more than the hate that can come from love when everything goes wrong.

I have loved people in situations that didn’t end poorly. We lost touch and I still hold them in my heart. Our interactions changed me, knowing that I always have and had a person who cared for me like that is warming.

But I’ve loved a lot of people that ended very very badly and nothing has impacted my life like the hate that stems from that kind of ending. It has happened with family, it has happened with friends, and it has happened romantically.

When I was young, I felt misunderstood a lot which resulted in me feeling betrayed by the people I put my heart into. The hate that stemmed from not getting along with my family followed me into high school. I didn’t put myself out there, I wasn’t a nice person, and I made it a point to not enjoy anything.

Which lead to more people betraying me – friends who didn’t care about me as much as I cared about them. Friends I dropped as soon as my graduation cap came off. Friends that hindered my ability to make friends in college. I didn’t know who truly liked me and who didn’t, I didn’t have anyone to confide in. Except a boyfriend who betrayed me.

A boyfriend who held me back for years. A boyfriend who wouldn’t let me end things with him early on. A boyfriend who shrugged me off his shoulders and never looked back when the relationship ended. And that resulted in the most hate I have ever felt, the hate that stems from really strong love. The hate that ruins your life.

For years, I carried it with me. I wouldn’t commit to anything or anyone but myself. And while I grew a lot from that, when I got out of it I realized how much I had changed. When my relationship was on the rocks, I still had high hopes and was in the process of meeting new people. The boys who gave me attention when I was in the relationship were shocked by the person I was out of it and the baggage that weighed me down after the break up. I had been happy go lucky, I didn’t have worries before the break up. I didn’t have to impress anyone because I had a person.

I didn’t have any security and zero trust. I let it change me for years, trying to love people while I healed and just returning to that same hate. Once I was past the phase of using people to make myself feel better and started getting used to make others feel better, I took a break to be by myself. I took a break and found that happy go lucky person again. And I hate that I carried that hate for years, let it change me, let it make me someone I’d never want to be.

But when you have a strong emotion like love and it ends, strong emotions follow and it’s not always pretty.

person holding cup of milk pouring
Photo by Gabriele Ribeiro on Pexels.com

Tips For Making Somewhere Your Home

I’ve always been more prone to making a home in people instead of a location. But when you start over somewhere new, it’s so important to nest and love the place you are. People are great, but you need to love your home too.

Here are some tips for making somewhere your home.

  1. Personalize the crap out of your home
    Our apartment is decked out with things that mean a lot to us. Most of our decor is unique and one of a kind, things we picked out together during our travels instead of HomeGoods. Whether it’s lots of photos or meaningful decor, personalize your home.
  2. Start looking through Facebook events nearby
    Looking for ways to start loving your city? I go through nearby Facebook events and mark interested in anything that seems fun. When that date comes up, we have lots of options for exploring!
  3. Find the restaurant you love
    This is so important, right? You have to nail down your pizza place, your favorite take out place, your favorite sit down place. Nothing makes me feel more at home than food.
  4. Surround yourself with people who feel like home
    Whether that’s your dog, your friends from back home, or your family. Make a point to keep those people in your life.
  5. Meet a friend
    Join a club, go on BumbleBFF, get close to your coworkers! All you need is one friend to really start fitting into a place.

Do you have any tips for making somewhere a home? Share them below!

 

woman holding gray ceramic mug
Photo by bruce mars on Pexels.com

The Easy Ways You Can Support People

I love to support people, especially people I’ve known in the past and people who have supported me. I have a lot of sorority sisters and even people from high school who I haven’t kept in touch with, but if I see they’re on a creative endeavor I’m so happy to help.

Because supporting people can be just as easy as liking their Facebook page, following them on Instagram, retweeting a tweet. It can be as easy as sharing their work with your audience, your friends, your family. And just those small things mean so much to people who are just trying to do what they love.

That’s why it surprises me when people choose not to do the easy things. I don’t get angry when I see people I know personally unfollow me, I’m just disappointed. Because even if my content isn’t exactly your thing, why not just stick around for support? Is it that hard to throw my photos a like or skip over my stories?

I don’t like to talk about these things much because it’s such a trivial thing to complain about. I just believe what you put in comes back to you and down the line if you need something from me I’ll have this bad taste in my mouth from when you couldn’t do something as simple as following me on Instagram.

Comment on your friends photos and tell them they look hot, congratulate people you know when they start hitting their career goals, like a band’s facebook page, retweet a podcast’s tweet, talk about that blog you love. These are all easy and free ways to support people. I’m going to end this with a challenge for everyone to do one of these simple things this week. A little goes a long way.

men s white button up dress shirt
Photo by Helena Lopes on Pexels.com

Why I Prefer Nights In

There are many days where I take my relationship for granted and we just go with the flow of life. Forgetting to stop and appreciate each other.

But on nights in, I really get to soak in how I live with my best friend and my cutest little fam. I’ve always preferred nights in. In college, I loved the pregames but not the parties. I loved when we all sat together and listened to our favorite music and talked and drank together before diluting our group with strangers.

I don’t do well in large groups of people. Bar settings always make me uncomfortable because I don’t like dancing and there’s nowhere to go for a fun conversation. Drinks are high priced and I have to keep in mind that I need to stay awake as long as the rest of my group.

Nights out just put a lot of pressure on me and honestly they give me anxiety. When I start getting anxiety about it, I basically ruin the night before it even began. So I have been opting for short nights out or more game nights with friends. Keeping things casual works for me.

I’ve also grown accustomed to picking up food and eating at my apartment rather than going out to eat. Again, the crowds, the wait time, the discomfort. While I prefer nights in though, I do need to continue pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Otherwise I’d really become a homebody. Even if it’s what I prefer, it’s not exactly healthy for me.

monopoly board game on brown wooden tabletop
Photo by Ylanite Koppens on Pexels.com

Making New Friends

When I moved, I knew my number one struggle would be making friends. Even when I lived in New Jersey, I could have afforded to have a couple more local gal pals. But I resisted making new friends.

Everyone lived at least an hour from me which meant no one to do happy hour with or no one to do spontaneous movie nights with. Everything had to be planned weeks in advance. And while this was inconvenient, it wasn’t enough to push me to make some new friends. I settled with hanging out with coworkers every so often and mostly just making plans with my boyfriend and the dog. And then I’d see my best friends once or twice a month.

Now that I moved, I don’t think that’s going to be enough. I’m not the kind of person who can be BFF’s with my coworkers. I can be friendly and we can get drinks once in a while, but I have a hard time wanting a close friendship with them. Here, I’ll only be seeing my best friends once every couple of months. And while I love hanging out with my boyfriend, sometimes you just need girl time.

So I joined Bumble BFF and put some feelers out in my alumni groups. The problem is creating relationships from scratch. I ran into this issue when I dated too. I find it hard to create a meaningful friendship or relationship with a stranger. You didn’t know me during my hardest times, how could you possibly understand me now?

Anyway, I’m giving it a shot no matter what. I’ll attempt to go on some Bumble BFF dates and report back to you all on how it goes. At least I have my internet friends, right? 😉

grayscale photography of five people walking on road
Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

Leaving Your Home

I’ve lived in New Jersey basically my whole life. I was born in another state, lived in another, but that was all before memories really started to form. I grew up in New Jersey, went to college in New Jersey, and built my life here.

And while I love everything about this extremely underrated state, I never wanted to stay here forever. First I wanted to go to college in Canada, then maybe Ireland, then I wanted to move south as quick as I could. But I never did. I stayed. Until now.

Now I’m leaving my home and I don’t think it’s quite hit me yet that everything I know will be a 6 hour drive away when I move to New Hampshire. All of my friends, most of my family, my coworkers, and familiarity will be so far gone. It’s nerve-wracking.

But I’m ready to leave it behind. My adult life has become so busy anyway that I think some distance between me and all of those things will actually make the bond stronger. If the bond becomes weaker, maybe it wasn’t meant to be in the first place.

I think it’s so important to start over somewhere new, to live in new places, to meet new people. Those experiences help shape you into a well-rounded person – it’s part of the reason I travel as much as I can. It makes me a better person. And even though I’m terrible at new things and meeting new people, I at least have to try.

It’s so sad to leave your home, but there is a whole world out there to explore and we owe it to ourselves to experience it.

woman sitting on chair beside brown table
Photo by Elle Hughes on Pexels.com

The Girl I’ve Tried To Be

I’ve never really felt like I fit in. Being quite an introvert and a homebody, I’ve felt myself try to change on many occasions to please other people and to just be accepted.

I’ve tried to be the girl that was too cool for school. The girl that only kept a few friends, hated all her teachers, hated her parents, and just didn’t try very hard. It left me with only a few options for college and no friends after I left for college. I chose to be around the wrong people, so leaving them behind wasn’t hard.

I’ve tried to just fit in. I felt like I was inserting myself into other people’s friendships the first two years of college. Thanks to a couple of great people who helped me along the way, I found a group but had to do everything I could to actually become a member of that group. I felt lost, felt like I was being pulled in 100 different directions.

I’ve tried to be the party girl who just didn’t care. And I didn’t, for a while. It was probably the only time I felt people enjoyed being in my company but it was all an act. An alcohol-induced version of myself that was much more fun and much more charming than sober me. When all was said and done and there weren’t $2-you-call-its every Thursday-Monday in the real world – I was empty.

I’ve tried to be myself and that just left me more hurt than any of the facades. Every time I tried to push past my awkward walls and reveal the innocence inside me, someone would come along and damage it fast. To the point where I can barely see my old self anymore, to the point where I’m so guarded I don’t even know who to be.

So I retreat and stay where it’s safe. Make an appearance every once in a while, try to show the people I love that I love them without feeling like I’m trying to be something I’m not. The girls I’ve tried to be all haunt me, I’m just trying not to be a ghost of myself anymore.

photo of woman
Photo by Tobi on Pexels.com