A Response To My 22 Year Old Self

Dear 22 year old self,

I was looking at my blog stats and saw someone searched “letter to myself at 25” and found my blog post. I didn’t even remember that I had written a post to myself two years ago (I was on the verge of 23) and I can’t believe that I have been blogging that long. What a blast from the past to see a long lost version of myself give me advice now as I turn 25 next week.

When I turned 23, I went to Toronto with my friends and had just started a new job. A new job that I have now been at for two years. I was coming off a high of moving out of my parents house. I was single. And everything felt really uncertain, the strongest bond I had at the time was with my friends and even then it was hard to be the only single girl in the group.

Thank you, 22 year old self, for having faith in me. It turns out you were right and had the strength in you all along. A lot less things are uncertain. I have a steady job, I’ve moved in with my boyfriend, and we have a pet dog and gecko. There are less question marks surrounding my life.

But there are still challenges and you were right that I have disappointed people. Myself included. I think that all just comes with growing up. Sometimes you have to make yourself a priority, sometimes you won’t see your friends as much as you’d like to, and sometimes you just can’t live up to the expectations you’ve set for yourself.

Thank you so much for your kind words, 22 year old self. I will write a letter to my future self again and will remember that there’s no need to put pressure on myself and to be kind. What happens, happens.

Love,
Me

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Photo by energepic.com on Pexels.com

I’ll Always Be Who I Was At 16

I have often tried to forget about fragments of time in my life. I blurred out most of high school, can barely remember middle school, because I just wanted to move on. I wanted to shed my skin and start all over. I wanted to do it better this time.

When I went to college, I tried to find myself. I explored and went out of my comfort zone. I wanted to be the best version of myself, I wanted to know what I was capable of.

During that exploration, I kind of lost myself. It was the opposite of what I wanted to do, but maybe it was what I needed. A wake up call came when I graduated college and had to figure out who I was outside of the sorority, laid back, college life.

That’s when I realized I’ll always be who I was at 16. I can’t just shed skin after skin after skin and expect to start over. I can’t completely forget middle school, high school, and college and try to become a new person again.

I didn’t need to find myself, I already knew who I was. I just needed to build upon it. Every experience, every version of yourself is just a brick to the building. It makes up who you are. So even though I’m not 16 years old, that high school brick still takes up a part of me. I still rock out at concerts and write in a journal and get really shy sometimes.

And even though college is over, that buckwild 21 year old brick still makes up who I am. I can still go out and have fun, nap all day, and get a little dramatic.

It’s time to stop denying the past, because your past makes you who you are. Every ex-boyfriend, every girl fight, every failing grade, and dumb mistake was a lesson. You are learning and becoming the best version of yourself every day, brick by brick. I’ll always be who I was at 16 and I’m starting to love that.

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A picture of me at 16 for your enjoyment

Who You Were Before You Lost Your Innocence

Losing your innocence is just a side effect of growing up. There’s no one certain thing that causes it. It doesn’t automatically go away when you turn 13 or when you lose your virginity or when you get dumped for the first time. It all varies from person to person, from age to age, from experience to experience. And it fades out slowly.

When I was around 11 years old I asked my mom why everyone had cancer all of a sudden. She told me cancer has always been around, I was just realizing it now.

That’s a very specific moment when I can remember something changing inside of my brain.

Looking back now, can you really pinpoint the moment you stopped being naive and started getting real? Probably not. You have to reach the point in your life when you look back and realize you’ve changed. Because change isn’t something you see until you’re so different you don’t recognize yourself anymore. Your old memories barely belong to you.

I’m not the girl that was kissed on the forehead on my front porch. Nor am I the girl who loved someone very intensely for more than three years. I’m not the girl who became heartless and cold towards the people who tried to love her in order to regain strength. I lost bits and pieces of innocence with each of those experiences and the experiences in between.

It’s not bad to change, it’s not bad to grow and recognize what real life is now. But hold on to the little pieces of innocence you have tucked away in your subconscious. They’re what keep you sane, what keep you looking at some things with rose colored glasses, they’re what keep you warm when things are unbearably cold.

You might have lost most of your innocence, but you’re┬ástill yourself. Just different.

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photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/meeechmars/