What have I been up to in November? Not writing a lot of blog posts and a lot of traveling. Here’s a photo recap of my month with more information to follow when I finally get around to writing posts 🙂
Tag: happiness
Yesterday, I decided to write down every negative thought I had about myself or the things I can’t control. Because I know I’m greeting life’s challenges with a bad attitude and I want to change it, at least as much as I can. Here’s every bad thing I thought in a day, tomorrow I will begin to work on shortening this list and creating a more positive one. I want to greet the day with a better outlook and I want to stop being so hard on myself. So here it goes.
- Why am I always sick?
- My skin is so broken out.
- My skin is so dry.
- This would look better on me if I was skinny.
- I am not a morning person.
- I’m so tired of stupid people.
- This is the worst drive ever.
- I’m already annoyed and I haven’t even gotten to work yet.
- I should probably skip breakfast .
- I already know I’m going to be tired later.
- I put way too much work on my plate.
- No one even cares about my Instagram or blog.
- I wish people had a little more faith in me.
- I’d rather be asleep.
- I’m so selfish.
- I feel like crap.
- I wish I had more style…
- Meh.
- I wish I could just make a decision on my own.
- I told myself I was going to work out tonight but I’m probably just going to sit on the couch.
- I’m so lazy.
- I really need to start dieting.
- I am a pretty sucky girlfriend.
- * A LOT of thoughts about past actions *
This isn’t a post for people to pity me, it’s a challenge for all of us to just at least acknowledge all the bad things we say to ourselves every day. With that acknowledgement, maybe we can make a change.
I did a few things this summer that made me stop in my tracks and think “wow that was really fun!” I went to the beach and swam in the ocean, I jumped in the pool, and I went on a few rides at a carnival.
These are all very normal things that probably everyone has done at least once in their life, right? Well I have too. I used to spend my summers in the ocean and I’d jump at a chance to go in a pool. I loved stomach-drop rides and carnival food. But I hadn’t done any of those things in years.
College made me VERY aware of how often people judge each other. And because of that, I began to live by that judgment. I’ve never liked wearing a bathing suit and I like it even less now so I just stopped swimming. And I almost just stopped having juvenile fun that is normal for people to enjoy because I cut myself off from so many things in fear of judgement.
I went in the ocean and didn’t care if my stomach jiggled a little bit. And I went in the pool without minding the fact that people will see me without make up. And I screamed my head off on a tower of terror ride and then laughed about how insane it was with my friends. It made me kind of sad to realize I’ve been missing out on this child-like fun because of the pressure to be cool.
Seriously, even when you’re 25 there is a pressure to be a “cool kid.”
I can’t tell people to turn their lives around and stop living by the judgment of others -because it’s hard. By nature, we just want to fit in. But I hope everyone has one of those moments where they realize they’ve given up too much for the sake of being cool, because I’m a lot happier now that I jumped in the pool.
After many episodes of Queer Eye, I realized I had completely lost my style identity over the years. I am at a point in my life where my closet has a lot of influences, most of which don’t see very “me” anymore.
I have clothes from college when I was skinnier and going out a lot and I have clothes I bought because my sorority sisters looked good in them. I have internship clothes that don’t fit well and 9-5 clothes that are dreadfully boring. I have clothes I’ve bought because bloggers wear similar items. And I have clothes I bought that actually fit my never-going-to-stop-being-a-trendy-emo style.
I would scroll through my photos just completely unimpressed with how I presented myself through my outfits. As a creative person, style should be something I have fun with, not something I dread. So I started over.
I donated every t-shirt that I held on to for no reason and all the cheap internship clothes I bought because I didn’t actually need them full time yet. I sold the too-short dresses and the unflattering crop tops.
And piece by piece, when I found a good deal, price, and item I loved – I bought back a closet that felt more like me.
I looked up style inspo of people I admire and mirrored their styles with my own twist to take the work out of being a fashionista. I don’t have style naturally, I only know what I do and don’t like. Not how to put it all together.
And by getting my foot back in the door for my own style, I began to make other changes in my life. I changed my blog and social media look. I changed my attitude. I started getting back into my hobbies. It’s funny how one little change can spark a whole movement inside yourself, especially when you didn’t know why you felt so lost in the first place.
When I feel like something in my life is not quite right, I try to make big changes. It must be something that takes up a large amount of my day that’s making me feel unsettled, right? I must need a new job, I must need to move, I must need to evaluate my relationships.
But big changes are not something that should be taken lightly and don’t necessarily mean you’ll be happy with the results. The grass isn’t always greener when you start a new job at a new place from scratch. It’s not always greener in a different state. And it’s not always greener being single (definitely not greener being single because dating sucks).
It’s hard not to think about bigger and better things waiting for you, to settle into your life and just accept it. To make small, manageable changes that water your grass instead of hopping over a fence to find a new life.
I think especially when you are feeling like change needs to happen, it doesn’t need to happen fast. We can’t make rash decisions when our minds are unclear in the first place. Bloom where you are planted, stop trying to escape your garden and start trying to make it better.
Something just isn’t quite right…but I’m not sure what it is. Do you ever look at your life because something needs to change, but you can’t figure out what it is?
It seems like a lot of good things are lined up for me. I’ve had a lot of time with my family, a lot of fun on the weekends, and have been working on bettering myself. But then there seem to be twinges of things that are not just going right – but which of them are creating so much of an impact that it’s making me unhappy?
I’ve let a lot of projects die lately. I was saying yes to as many things as I could, I was writing in a gratitude journal, I was trying to be mindful. And I don’t think those things were making huge differences in my life, but ditching them could be behind my unhappiness.
Complacency has also been a huge struggle for me lately. I have been trying to get out of my appearance rut, but haven’t been able to change anything in my daily routine. I spend a lot of time wishing the days away and then sitting on my couch and watching Netflix all evening.
Even when I get to the weekend, I have ended up doing a lot of things by myself recently and occupying my own time. I’m normally all for it, but I had been pushing myself out of my anti-social box lately and now I feel like I’m walking in circles trying to make myself happy all by myself.
None of these are huge problems. I can’t point to one and say that it’s truly making a dent into my happiness. I guess it could be all these small pebbles creating one big mountain I can’t climb. Something just isn’t quite right, but I’m not sure what it is. What’s making you unhappy?
Dear 29 year old self,
You’re probably thinking what I’m thinking now – why 29? Why not my 30 year old self?
I think at 30 we’ll be ready to face a new chapter and age range. 29 seems like the time I’ll be freaking tf out about officially being old.
Writing this is really putting time into perspective for me. It wasn’t long ago when I wrote a letter to my 25 year old self and here I am, a few days away from 25.
Now is the time where I’m really accepting that I’m not “postgrad” anymore, I’m a full fledged adult. So I can’t imagine what will be going through my mind in four years or where I’ll be.
I will say that I know, yes, I am positive, that I will still be thriving. And I’m proud of the steps you’ve made. Whether you branched off to do something else that makes you happy or are continuing down the same path. I have a feeling things will be a lot like they are right now, only with more amazing experiences under your belt.
Please, if you’re not happy, make the changes now. You put in your work in your 20’s. It’s time to do what’s right for you.
And always remember that while the day to day can seem stressful and mundane, you HAVE to step back and look at the big picture. People love you, you have so much to live for, keep going and keep climbing the mountains to a better you.
22 year old me was wildly unsure about life, 25 year old me is almost too comfortable with where I am. You’ll never truly be happy, but live life as best you can. Time will just keep going by fast. Enjoy it. Stop hating your body and punishing yourself for things out of your control. You are enough.
Happy birthday, 29 year old self. Here’s to many more!
Love,
Me
