Spend A Day On Your Own

I grew up being very shy and dependent. I was probably in my late teens before I could even order my own meal at a restaurant, I would always whisper it in my mom’s ear first. I didn’t think I could do anything new on my own, I was terrified at the thought.

The first time I ate alone was when I was a freshman in college, I went to the cafeteria by myself because no one was answering their phones and I was getting so frustrated with making friends. I sat by myself and a couple of kids asked me to eat with them, they ended up being kind of creepy, and I didn’t feel empowered at all. I just felt like a loser.

But not being able to do things on your own is such a debilitating fear. I missed out on plenty of things I wanted to do just because I couldn’t find anyone to go with me.

So I started forcing my hand. I would buy two tickets to a concert or one airplane ticket for a weekend trip, I left it up to fate if someone would end up going with me. And I wasn’t afraid to do it on my own. Why waste time and experiences by being dependent on someone else?

This weekend, I spent the day in Philadelphia – a place I’ve been to many times before. I went with my boyfriend, but he had plans that I wasn’t really interested in. So while he was busy, I went off on my own. I ate lunch by myself and then saw a movie by myself. I took a walk by myself and just reveled in doing something by myself that wasn’t laying in bed and watching Netflix.

If you own it, it’s eye opening and empowering to do the things you enjoy by yourself. The key to your happiness shouldn’t be in someone else’s pocket and you need to learn how to unlock it yourself before depending on other people. I encourage you to spend a day on your own, learn about yourself, and just have fun.

Photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/chrisschoenbohm/

Being There For An Independent Person

Some people want to be needed. Some people are just needy. Some people don’t need anything at all.

Truly independent people are hard to come by. They have themselves together, they’ve gotten through life and don’t need your help. It’s hard to be in a relationship with someone like that because they are so used to being on their own. It’s so hard to be there for someone like that because they know they can carry the weight of the world on their shoulders.

But they don’t have to anymore.

And that’s what you have to make them realize. When you are dating an independent person and you need to be there for them, you have to show them that you are not taking the world off their shoulders. But you can help them carry it. Or you can take little bits and pieces to lighten the load.

They may resist, and that’s fine. As long as you make sure that they are aware that you are there. That you’re waiting with a safety  net to catch anything that falls. That you have your arms wide open in case they need a break.

It’s not easy to be there for an independent person, but it is definitely possible. Because even the truly independent people still need a little help sometimes.

photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/jeffreyianashton/


Give Independent People Time To Miss You

People that have fully embraced independence just don’t function the same as an average person.

Independent people fully accept being alone, their personal space, and doing things on their own. They don’t expect help from anyone. They don’t expect anyone else to come around and encroach on their personal time.

It’s not like they don’t want to be around people. They just don’t have to be all the time.

When it comes to dating, highly independent people need time to warm up to the idea of letting someone lend a hand. The idea of having less personal time and more communication.

And in these days of technology, it almost feels impossible to be independent of everyone. To be independent of your Twitter followers, to be independent of your family on Facebook, to be independent of your friends on Instagram, to be independent of your significant other.

Everyone is everywhere literally all the time. But we don’t need that kind of suffocation. We don’t need to know what you’re doing at all times and we don’t expect you to want to know that information from us. In fact, as an independent person, it makes us cringe to think of nonstop telling someone all about our day as it’s happening.

It’s too much. Give us time to miss you. We don’t need to text all day every day – that’s a sure way to drive an independent person away. We don’t want all of our space invaded right away. It’s not because we don’t like you, it’s not because you’re not great. It’s just because we’re not used to it and we just don’t function that much.

Less is more with independent people. We appreciate your company, we just don’t need your life to be completely combined with ours. We can still be together, but separately.

photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/ireth100/

I Hate Texting

It’s no secret that everyone is glued to their phones. Some people love to bash the way we use technology. They get aggravated over cell phone use at dinner and kids always taking selfies. But really, it’s no different than when we used to plop ourselves down in front of the tv or spend 45 minutes setting up a camera to film something.

I love technology, I love social media, I love taking pictures and videos, I find phone calls uncomfortable, but I hate texting.

I got my cell phone a little bit later in life than most people. Most of my friends had them by 7th or 8th grade, where as I didn’t get mine until halfway through my freshman year of high school. I was attached to the thing 24/7 (unless I was grounded and it was taken away which happened often).

During my first real relationship, we were in contact all day, every day. From the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed, we would text, call, and video chat with each other. It was my norm. When that relationship ended, I badly ached for someone to talk to every day like that. It was what I was used to.

So when I started dating other boys, they were kind of like a place holder. Someone to text all day so I didn’t feel all alone.

But then I grew up. And I grew more independent.

I can’t stand the thought of texting someone every hour of the day. A mediocre conversation of asking me what’s up, “nothing, I’m at work – how about you?” And then so what’s up now? “I’m still at work…”

Maybe if we all weren’t so ingrained into each other’s lives, relationships would last longer and there would be less drama. Save a little mystery and don’t tell your boyfriend you went to the grocery store to buy a bag of chips. Or talk about the fact that you walked to class and it was cold out today when you see each other in person.

I don’t want to feel obligated to tell someone everything I’m doing because most things are my business only, even if I am in a relationship. Texting sucks all of the life out of relationships. It just takes too damn long to tell stories that you could tell in person or over the phone. Where the other person can react and laugh along.

I don’t want to have to guess at your emotions and think about if you’re mad at me because you put a “.” at the end of your sentence. Everything gets so misconstrued and I’m just tired of explaining my day to someone by taking the time to type it all out with emojis and exclamation points.

I think texting every once in a while is great, but I don’t need the constant communication.

photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/fitzrovia/

Cutting Out And Keeping Out Toxic People

Making the decision to remove someone from your life is hard.  You probably have a very lengthy and complicated past with this person. A past that once may have involved happiness and love but began to bring out the worst in you.

If someone in your life is putting you down instead of picking you up, they need to go. There is no reason to keep around someone so negative. Someone who is literally stunting your growth and keeping a firm and solemn grip on your life.

Recognizing when someone is doing this to you isn’t simple. You’ve become so engrossed in this relationship. It’s easy to see the ups and downs as just something you’ve conquered together. But when there are more downs than ups and everything just seems like a downhill battle – then for their sake and yours, cut off the communication and live your separate lives.

Relapsing is always a possibility. This was someone you needed, confided in, fought for many times. And they failed you. But you wanted them so badly to succeed. You can only forgive someone so many times. People can only change to a certain extent. Don’t put all of your faith into something that can’t be changed.

If you do let them back into your life you’ll quickly realize the mistake you made. Hopefully it’s one you only make once.

I had an ex that I battled hard to get over. It took a very long time and a lot of emotional damage to get to where I am. He recently decided to text me and all I could think was how rude it was of him to intrude on my life.

Why would someone who knowingly inflicted so much pain on you try to slither their way back into your life and bring back those emotions? Because they’re selfish, they aren’t thinking of you – they are only thinking of themselves.

They’re toxic and they’ll always be toxic. Learning to recognize these people and ditch them can be the best thing for building yourself up. Don’t let anyone dictate your happiness.

photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/moriza/
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/moriza/

Being Single When Sad Things Happen

photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/victorianevland/
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/victorianevland/

Even the most independent of people eventually need someone to lean on.

In tough times, you can always turn to your family or close friends.  But they don’t ever quite match up to the kind of comfort a boyfriend or girlfriend could offer.  In general, being single when sad things happen really sucks.

You don’t open up to your friends and family the way you do to your significant other.  He/she knows the deep and dark scary parts of you that aren’t shared with other people.  When something sad in your life happens, like a death, accident, or failure of some sort – you need a person to turn to who understands all parts of you.  A person that you aren’t afraid to cry in front of.  A person that won’t judge you.

In most cases, this could only ever be your boyfriend or girlfriend. Just as you like to share exciting news with your partner, sharing hard news is even more important.  You can manage to get anyone excited for you (almost), but you can’t get everyone to understand your pain.

Being in a relationship and being single both have their benefits and their disadvantages. Hard times can become even harder when you realize you don’t have someone to mourn with you, worry about it with you, or try to fix it with you.  There are just some things that can’t be replaced by friends and family – especially in sad times.

The People Who Build You Up

photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/cmcgphotography/
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/cmcgphotography/

Sometimes, people just don’t get enough credit.  We often see the bad before we can ever see the good.  Even if we do see the good, one bad thing will change every pretty thought we’ve had about someone into something ugly.

So here’s a big thank you to the people who build me up.

It’s rare to find the special people in your life that just want to succeed.  It’s in our human nature to do better than others and to be the best we can be.  Therefore, it’s in our human nature to want other people to fail.

When searching for people to surround yourself with, always look for the people who want the best for you.  Whether it’s a girlfriend, boyfriend, best friend, boss, or your family – your inner circle should only contain those who want to see you happy.  You can tell them your secrets, fears, and excitements because they’ll keep them hushed, they’ll calm you down, and they’ll be jumping for joy right next to you.

Even the most independent of people need someone to tell them “you can do it” and “great job!” We’ll never be tough enough to live without these kind of people.

Ditch the people that only live to bring you down.  The people who get jealous of your accomplishments rather than pop bottles of champagne with you, the people who whisper behind your back about your worries instead of calm you down, the people who consistently say you aren’t good enough – they can all go.  Because there are people in this world who love you enough to build you up, so cling to them, and don’t forget to thank them.