A Letter To My 29 Year Old Self

Dear 29 year old self,

You’re probably thinking what I’m thinking now – why 29? Why not my 30 year old self?

I think at 30 we’ll be ready to face a new chapter and age range. 29 seems like the time I’ll be freaking tf out about officially being old.

Writing this is really putting time into perspective for me. It wasn’t long ago when I wrote a letter to my 25 year old self and here I am, a few days away from 25.

Now is the time where I’m really accepting that I’m not “postgrad” anymore, I’m a full fledged adult. So I can’t imagine what will be going through my mind in four years or where I’ll be.

I will say that I know, yes, I am positive, that I will still be thriving. And I’m proud of the steps you’ve made. Whether you branched off to do something else that makes you happy or are continuing down the same path. I have a feeling things will be a lot like they are right now, only with more amazing experiences under your belt.

Please, if you’re not happy, make the changes now. You put in your work in your 20’s. It’s time to do what’s right for you.

And always remember that while the day to day can seem stressful and mundane, you HAVE to step back and look at the big picture. People love you, you have so much to live for, keep going and keep climbing the mountains to a better you.

22 year old me was wildly unsure about life, 25 year old me is almost too comfortable with where I am. You’ll never truly be happy, but live life as best you can. Time will just keep going by fast. Enjoy it. Stop hating your body and punishing yourself for things out of your control. You are enough.

Happy birthday, 29 year old self. Here’s to many more!

Love,

Me

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A Response To My 22 Year Old Self

Dear 22 year old self,

I was looking at my blog stats and saw someone searched “letter to myself at 25” and found my blog post. I didn’t even remember that I had written a post to myself two years ago (I was on the verge of 23) and I can’t believe that I have been blogging that long. What a blast from the past to see a long lost version of myself give me advice now as I turn 25 next week.

When I turned 23, I went to Toronto with my friends and had just started a new job. A new job that I have now been at for two years. I was coming off a high of moving out of my parents house. I was single. And everything felt really uncertain, the strongest bond I had at the time was with my friends and even then it was hard to be the only single girl in the group.

Thank you, 22 year old self, for having faith in me. It turns out you were right and had the strength in you all along. A lot less things are uncertain. I have a steady job, I’ve moved in with my boyfriend, and we have a pet dog and gecko. There are less question marks surrounding my life.

But there are still challenges and you were right that I have disappointed people. Myself included. I think that all just comes with growing up. Sometimes you have to make yourself a priority, sometimes you won’t see your friends as much as you’d like to, and sometimes you just can’t live up to the expectations you’ve set for yourself.

Thank you so much for your kind words, 22 year old self. I will write a letter to my future self again and will remember that there’s no need to put pressure on myself and to be kind. What happens, happens.

Love,
Me

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A Thank You To The Guys Who Didn’t Treat Me Right

Sometimes, the people who screw you over in life are just as important as the people who have been there for you every step of the way. Everything and everyone we come across can be taken as a lesson, no matter how much it hurt or how much you regret it or how much you wish it would go away. What happened was important to who you are today, and one day that lesson will come in handy to your happiness.

So thank you to the guy who told me I mattered to him when I didn’t.

Even though I forgave you long ago, you taught me how to take two steps back. I learned how to be a little bit more on the defense, that not everyone says what they mean like I do. The next time someone told me I mattered to them, I knew whether or not to believe them.

And thank you to the guy who made me put my whole life in his hands, then quickly took it away without looking back.

Because of you, I grew stronger. And though I look at our relationship as the greatest mistake of my life, I now know who to put my trust in. I now know I can come back from things that ruin me. I can recognize when someone will actually take care of me, not drop me like a weight like you did.

Thank you to the guy who I let treat me the worst.

I know my boundaries now, I have self respect. I’ll never respect you, but I’ve learned what I deserve and I can compare how wonderfully I am treated now to how disgustingly you treated me then. It makes me appreciate what I have.

Thank you to the guy who cheated on me.

I never ignore my gut instincts anymore and I know I don’t deserve to come in second to anyone. I’ve learned to roll things off my shoulders and move on.

Thank you to every guy that emotionally abused me, that made me think I was worthless or that I couldn’t do this or that. Thank you for the lessons I learned from the guys who didn’t treat me right. It makes the good guys in the world seem that much greater in my eyes, I appreciate it so much more. I could never take it for granted, like you did.

hc
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To The People I Stopped Writing About

Almost everything I write is inspired by people. I know some draw inspiration from objects or experiences, but I am very people oriented. As a writer, I basically have an account of everyone who has mattered in my life right in front of me. Whether it’s through this blog, a journal, or poetry that gets lost in my phone notes.

It’s very apparent to me who I was writing about when I go back through the archives and take a look at my old writing. At the time, there was so much emotion put into the words that I can still feel them when I reread.

But as I recently read through, it wasn’t really being brought back into that moment that made an impact on me. It was the fact that there’s a date at the top of that entry – and that was the last time I ever wrote about that person again.

Something snapped after that last post or last poem or last journal entry where I just didn’t care enough to waste my words on that person anymore. And to a writer – that’s the realest kind of freedom you can find.

So to the people I stopped writing about, here’s a solid goodbye. Chances are I wrote more about the pain than I did about the pleasure – but that’s just because you probably only had a negative impact on me. Of course you helped me grow, of course I’m happy with who I am today – so thank you for the lesson, but it’s time to move on.

I don’t write about you anymore because there is nothing left to say. There is no we, there is no us, there is no ex boyfriend this or ex boyfriend that. Everything in my journals is the past and I’m so present without you.

To the people I stopped writing about, I wish you all the best and distantly hope you’re doing well – but in the end, it’s not something that really pertains to me anymore. The words still softly strike a chord, but it’s nothing more than a faded memory.

hc
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To The Friends I’m Not Friends With Anymore

The friends I’m not friends with anymore can fall into two categories: the ones I had a falling out with and the ones I grew apart from.

To the ones I grew apart from, I appreciate our minor communication. I appreciate the likes on Instagram and the occasional comments on Facebook. I’m glad I can still see what you’re up to even though we’re in different cities, states, or countries. Even though we don’t speak anymore, there is a mutual respect and a quiet friendship that still lingers.

To the ones I had a falling out with, I’m sorry. We were always too different and now especially we are too different. Our friendships were always out of convenience, never love and respect. Even if one big falling out didn’t end our friendship – the little ones leading up to it did.

In either instances, I hope the best for all of you. I hope you can forgive me for not being a good friend. I’m still learning about myself every day. And I hope you look back on the positive aspects of our friendship. It took me a long time to get to that point, for a while all I remembered was the negative.

I hope you’re doing well, I hope you’re living out your dreams, I hope you’re doing better. Even if we don’t speak anymore, there is always a little part of me that will care. That would do anything for you if you truly needed it.

To the friends I’m not friends with anymore, thanks for the memories. You deserve the best in life. I’m not sure if it matters – but as long as you’re happy, I’m happy for you and proud of you.

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A Letter To My Future 25 Year Old Self

Happy 25th birthday, future me! You can officially have a quarter life crisis, even though you’ve been saying you’re going through a quarter life crisis since the age of 19.

At 14, you thought no one would ever love you. At 16, you thought you’d never have true friends. At 18, you thought you could never do it alone. At 21, you thought you wouldn’t succeed.

But as the years went by, you proved yourself wrong time and time again. Because someone did love you – even if it didn’t last that long. And you have the best friends you could ever ask for – they’re really almost like angels from heaven to you. And you did it alone when you didn’t have a choice – but you’re never really alone. And you did succeed and you’re still succeeding.

And at 22, a lot of these doubts popped up in my mind again. Will I ever fall in love? Can I do it on my own? Can I succeed?

Well, 25 year old self, I don’t have a whole lot of faith in my present self right now. It’s a very questionable time, there are a lot of moving parts, and I’m just holding on for dear life.

But I do have faith in you. And I have faith in the next two years of my life. Things might be uncertain right now and they might even still be uncertain when you’re 25. You’re still climbing a huge mountain and even if you’re slower or more careful or stop to take some breaks, you are still fighting.

So whether you’re actually having a quarter life crisis and shaving all your hair off, or whether you’re rolling in money and promotions and pet puppies, I’m proud of you.

Not everyone will always be proud of you – you will disappoint people. You’ll let down your family. You’ll fail at work. You’ll ditch your friends. You’ll ignore your boyfriend. But you’ll never disappoint 22 (almost 23) year old me. I have a lot of hope for you. And if you forgot to make the years of 23 to 25 count, it’s time to start again now.

Continue your adventure, I can’t wait to see all the amazing things you will do.

Love,

22 year old you

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An Open Letter To My High School Self

Dear high school me,

High school is a scary time. Everyone is going through incredible changes, yourself included. New things are introduced and new interests gain importance. There are so many people who are older than you and know more than you. And you’re in this little building with them, there to learn from them in the classroom and stand next to them in the hallways.

Keep your eyes open always. Because change isn’t always a good thing, new experiences aren’t always good experiences. The things they taught you about drugs, alcohol, and sex – that stuff happens in real life and it’s happening right in front of you. But don’t get sucked up into it. Make a list of priorities and keep looking back at it.

True friends are hard to find, but when you find them hold on tight. Your family doesn’t understand you right now and you don’t understand them – but one day you will. One day it will all make sense again. Keep them by your side.

Trust yourself more than you ever trust anyone else. There will always be people with false motives. There will always be things you desperately want and people will take advantage of that. Don’t lose sight of yourself, even if you see everyone around you getting lost. Even if everyone around you seems to know what they’re doing. Put yourself first in the times you need to.

Never put a boy first. It’s so easy to in a time where you feel like an ugly duckling, or you don’t feel cool enough, smart enough, skinny enough, brave enough. The people who look out for you are people you will always need. And that may be a boy for some time, but you can’t forget about anyone else. Because if there’s an end, it will be just you standing alone.

Lastly, know it gets better. If you don’t who you are right now then you’ll get there eventually. If your friends don’t care enough about you, soon you will find people who will. Cling to the things that are being taught to you – by teachers or otherwise. The insight you will gain in high school is so important. Whether your experience is amazing or straight up shitty, there is always something you can take away from it.

Look for it and learn from it.

Love always,

22 year old me

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