Struggling With Losing A Pet

Sometimes, it feels like it’s so hard to hold on to childhood memories. You can find them in old photos, some of your old things. If you’re like me and your parents have moved out of your childhood home and you don’t really have any childhood friends – then you may feel those memories slip even faster.

One of the last real reminder of my childhood was my dog. She passed away recently and I took it a lot harder than I thought I was going to. When I went through all my photos of her, I found so many from her in my childhood home and when I was a kid. She always reminded me of home, so it was really hard to come to terms with letting go of her.

Losing a pet is just like losing a family member. And not like your great aunt, but a brother or a sister. A friend.

They get so old and you know it’s their time to go – but how do you let go of your best friend? I think we all need to drop what we’re doing and collectively come up with a way to make dogs live forever because we need that kind of love on this earth.

There’s a level of guilt that comes with losing a pet, too. Did I see them enough? Did I try my best to save them? Was the last belly rub I gave a good enough one?

Just with any family member, you just have to trust that they knew that loved them. You just have to trust that they were as happy as they could be and you gave them a good life. Because I know for a fact that even though my dog was a huge pain in the ass, she was the best thing to come out of my childhood.

6 Of My Favorite Things from 6 Trips

Every trip I take usually holds one little gem that I remember forever. When I think of a place, my mind will automatically wander to that gem whether it be food, people, sights, or just the experience itself! Below is a list of my favorite things from places I’ve traveled – inspired by a post from dreamsvoyager.

  1. Montreal
    My favorite thing was the food! And the pub crawl we went on, we met some really cool people.
  2. Iceland
    The blue lagoon was my favorite part, but I’ll never forget the way I felt after we hiked to see a glacier.
  3. Nashville
    Being with my best friends and finding cool wall murals!
  4. Toronto
    The people in Toronto are amazing, they made the whole trip great! Toronto is a place I’d love to call home.
  5. Washington D.C.
    The history! Duh.
  6. Portland, Maine
    Seafood and lobster rolls, yummmm.

Let me know some of your favorite things from the places you’ve traveled in the comments!

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I’ll Always Be Who I Was At 16

I have often tried to forget about fragments of time in my life. I blurred out most of high school, can barely remember middle school, because I just wanted to move on. I wanted to shed my skin and start all over. I wanted to do it better this time.

When I went to college, I tried to find myself. I explored and went out of my comfort zone. I wanted to be the best version of myself, I wanted to know what I was capable of.

During that exploration, I kind of lost myself. It was the opposite of what I wanted to do, but maybe it was what I needed. A wake up call came when I graduated college and had to figure out who I was outside of the sorority, laid back, college life.

That’s when I realized I’ll always be who I was at 16. I can’t just shed skin after skin after skin and expect to start over. I can’t completely forget middle school, high school, and college and try to become a new person again.

I didn’t need to find myself, I already knew who I was. I just needed to build upon it. Every experience, every version of yourself is just a brick to the building. It makes up who you are. So even though I’m not 16 years old, that high school brick still takes up a part of me. I still rock out at concerts and write in a journal and get really shy sometimes.

And even though college is over, that buckwild 21 year old brick still makes up who I am. I can still go out and have fun, nap all day, and get a little dramatic.

It’s time to stop denying the past, because your past makes you who you are. Every ex-boyfriend, every girl fight, every failing grade, and dumb mistake was a lesson. You are learning and becoming the best version of yourself every day, brick by brick. I’ll always be who I was at 16 and I’m starting to love that.

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A picture of me at 16 for your enjoyment

Finding Hope In The Hopeless

Do you ever look back at old pictures, journals, or memories and think about how much has really changed since then? Sure, your hair has grown and you’ve gotten a little taller. And that friend isn’t in your life anymore and your pet has passed away. But have you ever really seen how much you have evolved as a person?

When we become happier or reach good points in our life, we really forget to appreciate them. There are highs and lows all the time – but we let the lows make more of an impact than the highs.

There was a time you were hopeless. That you pined over people who didn’t want you. That you swore off all things that could make you happy. You lived in fear, in sadness, hopelessly ghosting through life.

But did you know in that hopelessness there is a glimmer of hope at the end of the road? Hope that will eventually lead you to happiness if you stop burying yourself in the guilt and blame.

Things change, you have to count on that fact. And since things are always changing, you need to believe that they will eventually change for the better. That not all people are hopeless. Your life isn’t hopeless. That someone or something will give you hope and help you change.

There was a point where I was so certain of how my life would be, I accepted a very bitter and unhappy version of myself. It’s okay to look back at that person to remind myself how much better I can be. Because I made hope for myself and other people gave me hope to keep trying. There is hope in the hopeless.

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photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/45737721@N06/

Who You Were Before You Were Broken

We all change, it’s inevitable. We grow up, we experience new things, go through phases, meet new people. We take every little experience and slowly it changes us into a different person over time.

Sometimes we anticipate change, sometimes we’re thrown into it head first.

Something that will definitely change a person is heart break. Getting your heart broken causes you to feel a lot of emotions during a time where you’re just trying to get better. You were in a beautiful relationship, you were happy. It ended, you’re distraught. You’re trying to get over it, you’re okay. He’s dating someone else, you’re devastated.

It will wreak havoc on who you were.

The person you change into is in no way a bad version of yourself – just very different. It may not seem that way to you, because you went through it all and understand the outcome. But one day you’ll wake up and realize you’re nothing like you used to be.

Along with the inevitable change is the inevitable way we will sometimes revert. When we change due to small happenings in our life, it’s often because we are becoming someone who can protect themselves from hurt. But there comes a time when that wall can tumble down a little, where you can become who you were before you were broken.

It’s someone you faintly recognize – there’s an innocence again, vulnerability, and openness. It’s someone you remember, but had at one time completely forgotten she existed. You are becoming whole again – you are feeling yourself and remembering yourself as a whole person again.

Any way you change, make sure it is for the better. Don’t be afraid to keep growing, don’t be afraid to revert if that’s the right thing for you. A broken heart may disguise you for a little bit – but you will be whole again one day. You will be who you were before you were broken, but better.

hc
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/hmoong/

 

To The People I Stopped Writing About

Almost everything I write is inspired by people. I know some draw inspiration from objects or experiences, but I am very people oriented. As a writer, I basically have an account of everyone who has mattered in my life right in front of me. Whether it’s through this blog, a journal, or poetry that gets lost in my phone notes.

It’s very apparent to me who I was writing about when I go back through the archives and take a look at my old writing. At the time, there was so much emotion put into the words that I can still feel them when I reread.

But as I recently read through, it wasn’t really being brought back into that moment that made an impact on me. It was the fact that there’s a date at the top of that entry – and that was the last time I ever wrote about that person again.

Something snapped after that last post or last poem or last journal entry where I just didn’t care enough to waste my words on that person anymore. And to a writer – that’s the realest kind of freedom you can find.

So to the people I stopped writing about, here’s a solid goodbye. Chances are I wrote more about the pain than I did about the pleasure – but that’s just because you probably only had a negative impact on me. Of course you helped me grow, of course I’m happy with who I am today – so thank you for the lesson, but it’s time to move on.

I don’t write about you anymore because there is nothing left to say. There is no we, there is no us, there is no ex boyfriend this or ex boyfriend that. Everything in my journals is the past and I’m so present without you.

To the people I stopped writing about, I wish you all the best and distantly hope you’re doing well – but in the end, it’s not something that really pertains to me anymore. The words still softly strike a chord, but it’s nothing more than a faded memory.

hc
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/ericparker/

 

It’s Okay To Not Be Over Your Past

We have to remember the past. It happened, it was there, and we just can’t forget about it. There are some people who live deeply in the past, some just a little, and some who just try to pretend it never happened.

But we never really fully get it out of our minds. The thoughts creep up to us when we’re trying to fall asleep at night or when we have a long drive home.

It’s okay though. It’s okay to live in your past every once in a while. To cringe at old memories, or cry at nostalgia, or smile at photographs. We can’t ever really escape it, we can only embrace it.

You don’t have to get over something just because someone told you to get over it. We all recover at our own pace. We all learn our lessons in time. You are allowed to not be over the past.

Because every time a relationship starts to form, I still feel old heartbreak. And every time I see old photos of people who have passed, I still feel sad.

I’m not over the past. No one is over the past and it’s okay. We’re consistently told we have to keep moving forward, look to the future, live in the present, forget the past. But we can’t do that. We can’t tell our brains to just stop thinking about things that have happened and we shouldn’t have to.

The past contains lessons we need, it brings up emotions that we can use in our present – that we need in our present. Without the past, there is no moving forward. There is no present.

It’s okay to not be over it because there’s a reason you’re still hanging on. You still feel residual heart break to remind you to be careful this time around. You still feel sadness because you are missing someone who used to be a big part of your life. You still get a slight smile because those memories were happy ones at the time.

You still feel these things because you’re not over it and maybe you’ll never be over it. As long as you turn the past into a positive path to your future, it’s okay to never get over it. Or to get over it in a couple months, or days, or years. We need those reminders in order to guide us through the future. We need the past.

hc
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/face_it/