Do What You Have To After A Break Up

How do I know when a girl just went through a break up? She starts posting selfies, deep quotes and poetry, and sharing Thought Catalog articles about how being alone is better (at least share my blog posts guys, come on). And then all of her relationship pictures start to fade from her social media. Her profile picture changes to a solo pic or a photo of a girl’s night out. And the status quietly changes to single.

It’s all a little cliche. That whole dying your hair a wacky color after a break up to try to change your identity. People talk about it all the time and poke fun at the girls having their poetry induced break through. They talk about how much she’s changed and how funny it is that she never used to act that way.

Well, they change because break ups change you. They force you to look at yourself as a lone person and understand who you truly are. Maybe you are a blonde at heart, a party girl, or an independent being.

Who cares what anyone else thinks? As if they’ve never had a life shattering break up, as if they’ve never hit their single and ready to mingle phase.

We’re all guilty of it, and even if we weren’t, girl, DO YOU! Do what you have to to find yourself,  to feel better and move on. If you have to make out with a lot of people, do it. If you have to talk crap on your ex, do it. If it makes you feel better I did it on a blog for all of the world to see, you can just do it in a group chat. Or start a blog. Why not?

If you have to share poetry about fueling your fucking fire, shout out Christopher Poindexter, then DO it. No one can tell you how to heal. Don’t ever feel silly about the things you are doing to better yourself and move on. I’m rooting for you and every girl who has had their life changed by a break up is rooting for you.

hc
Photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/samuelyoo/

Accepting Break Up Blame

I don’t like my exes, not a single one of them. My relationships/spurts of dating/long-time hook ups ended poorly often. I might’ve not liked them even before we broke up. Sometimes I stopped liking them during the break up process. Other times, we were friendly for a while, but I ultimately stopped liking them. Mostly due to resentment over any mistrust, being cheated on, or just seeing them be happy when they didn’t let me be happy or caused me to be unhappy for a while.

You may think that because I don’t like them, it probably means they did something wrong. And that’s true, but the bad blood doesn’t fall all on them. As much as I’d like to sit here and play victim, I wasn’t always innocent.

I didn’t cheat, I didn’t intentionally try to hurt people, but I did let things go on longer than they should’ve. I did put a lot of time into things I knew weren’t going to work, did act one way and say the opposite.

I accept some of the break up blame. In most cases, I did the breaking up because I either recognized my faults in the relationship or the guy I was dating at the time did something to screw everything up.

I’ve written a lot about my exes, I’ve written a lot about how much I resent them and how far I’ve come since them. But I’ve shrugged off a lot of the blame until now. I might’ve not been the problem that caused us to break up, but I was part of the problem. All I can do now is move on and grow from it and wish them all the best of luck.

hc
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/hernanpc/

My New Relationship Feels Familiar

My current boyfriend reminds me of my ex boyfriend. There are a lot of similarities between the two relationships that my head almost spins sometimes because it seems so familiar.

And I was kind of worried about that because my old relationship ended in an all out war of who could make the other person feel worse. My old relationship was emotionally scarring and unstable. My old relationship left me broken and scared. My old relationship sucked.

I was sitting here thinking about how I would like a lizard as a pet, maybe my boyfriend and I could buy one together. But it feels a little weird to me because I used to have a lizard as a pet, my ex and I bought one together.

Coincidentally, both guys like lizards.

But it’s not a coincidence to like someone who has things in common with me. I felt all of these similarities between this relationship and an old one, but really the similarities just have to do with me. I’ve found someone like my ex because I’ve found someone who I have a lot in common with.

And just because they both liked sports, tattoos, lizards, and some other silly things, doesn’t mean that the relationship is the same. This relationship is safe, trusting, open, honest, and loving. My old relationship was full of distrust, anger, and emotional abuse.

Duh, I have a type. And this looming feeling of similarities doesn’t have to be looming at all. It’s actually really cool that I found someone that I have stuff in common with that I can have a healthy relationship with. I didn’t date my ex for four years for no reason, it was because we had similar interests and therefore we had fun together.

My new relationship kind of reminds me of an old relationship, but better.

hc
Photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/super_pat/

That Was So Long Ago

Are you one of those people that sometimes stays up until 2 AM and thinks about that really embarrassing time that you jumped off the swings in preschool and everyone saw your teddy bear underwear?

I am and that’s a true story.

I think about the sad, bad, embarrassing moments a lot of the time and work myself into an anxiety about it. I’ll stay awake until the sun rises over something that happened years ago.

And I wonder why I’m even thinking about it or why it still matters, but I am and it does. Even though I can’t do anything about it now.

I can’t do anything about it now. That’s what I tell myself every night when I’m thinking too much or on my drive home from work when I had a bad day. It’s time to start over, it’s time to wipe the slate, its time to forget about it and try harder tomorrow.

Sometimes I get anxiety when ex boyfriends try to contact me. Because every single relationship ended badly and every single guy reminds me of that. But why does it matter? Why do I care? It was so long ago. I can’t do anything about it now.

And that’s my mantra to my anxiety. It was so long ago. I can’t do anything about it now. It doesn’t always work, but I’m learning not to sweat the little things or the little people.

It was so long ago that I dated that frat boy and made a fool out of myself. It was so long ago that I shut out my family in high school. It was so long ago that I slipped and fell in the middle of the student center during the lunch rush. It was so long ago, I can’t do anything about it now. I can only try to grow and be better.

hc
Photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/acousticskyy/

How Hopeless I Felt When I Was Single

I’m not sure why being single seems like it’s the end of the world. I guess no matter how hard I looked at it, no one looked as happy when they were single as they did when they were in a relationship.

There was a good chunk of time for me when being single was like torture. There was also a time where I held onto it real tight, avoiding every relationship possible.

But I never really stopped feeling hopeless. When I was happy being single, I still got lonely. My friends all were in relationships and when they were off doing their boyfriend/girlfriend thing, I was alone. It taught me to be by myself, but it made me think I would always be by myself. When I started to become comfortable alone and do well by myself, I felt even more hopeless that I would never find what my friends had. That I would never find what I was reading about in books or binge watching on Netflix.

And when I was sad being single, I was more than hopeless. I felt that I was hard to love. There had been a time where I had given the boy I loved everything. But then I felt like I had nothing left to give.

It’s normal to feel hopeless when you’re single, whether you’re happy or sad. But even when you give up on yourself, the person that’s right for you won’t be giving up at all. It takes time, patience, and a lot of learning. But you’re not hopeless.

hc
Photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/james_sickmind/

How We Met (Part 4)

A response to my very old series of endings called  I’m Glad It Didn’t Work Out, view it here. This will be the last part of a series focused on the beginnings of various relationships, view part 1part 2, and part 3.

When we met, I was at a point in my life where I just wasn’t happy. I smiled, I chuckled, I just went through the motions when I was supposed to and that was my version of happy for the time being.

But when I sat next to you at the bar, you made me laugh. A laugh I hadn’t heard or felt in a long time. A laugh that continued all night. You were a friend of a friend so there was only a slight introduction when we jumped into the witty banter. People I didn’t want to see and people I did want to see came and went, but most of my attention was just on how funny you were.

I don’t think I have ever been so struck by someone’s personality before and the fact that you were just so likeable at the time. The bartender made us the most disgusting grape Gatorade shots I had ever had. I only had two or three drinks that night, but I laughed until I cried sitting next to you at that dingy bar. The bar I almost never went to, but happened to be at when I met you.

First impressions are funny because they lack a lot of emotion. You’ll never truly know who a person is when you are barely scratching the surface. But at that time, a night of laughing was all I really needed.

hc
Photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/gazeronly/

Putting Too Much Time Into Dead Friendships

We weigh our relationships by importance. Sometimes family comes first, sometimes your significant other, sometimes your friends.

The only problem with this is when we put too much weight into a friendship that has been long gone. A friendship where you have been laying on the effort and none has been given back in return.

It might be your first instinct to try to fix this dead friendship again. But more often than not, you’ll find yourself trying to fix it again just a short time later.

Stop putting so much time into dead friendships, relationships, whatever. Slow down and evaluate how much you’re really benefiting from the friendship. If it’s a whole lot of drama, a whole lot of heart ache, a lot of unanswered texts and plans that get canceled – you don’t need it.

Stop putting all your effort on one side of the scale, because you’ll see very quickly how unbalanced that friendship truly is. And more effort on your side won’t fix it. Some people just won’t value you the way that you value them. That’s okay, not everyone has to be as great as you are. But what’s not okay is giving them the time of day when all they do is drag you down.

hc
photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/ginevrabariosco/