The Girl I’ve Tried To Be

I’ve never really felt like I fit in. Being quite an introvert and a homebody, I’ve felt myself try to change on many occasions to please other people and to just be accepted.

I’ve tried to be the girl that was too cool for school. The girl that only kept a few friends, hated all her teachers, hated her parents, and just didn’t try very hard. It left me with only a few options for college and no friends after I left for college. I chose to be around the wrong people, so leaving them behind wasn’t hard.

I’ve tried to just fit in. I felt like I was inserting myself into other people’s friendships the first two years of college. Thanks to a couple of great people who helped me along the way, I found a group but had to do everything I could to actually become a member of that group. I felt lost, felt like I was being pulled in 100 different directions.

I’ve tried to be the party girl who just didn’t care. And I didn’t, for a while. It was probably the only time I felt people enjoyed being in my company but it was all an act. An alcohol-induced version of myself that was much more fun and much more charming than sober me. When all was said and done and there weren’t $2-you-call-its every Thursday-Monday in the real world – I was empty.

I’ve tried to be myself and that just left me more hurt than any of the facades. Every time I tried to push past my awkward walls and reveal the innocence inside me, someone would come along and damage it fast. To the point where I can barely see my old self anymore, to the point where I’m so guarded I don’t even know who to be.

So I retreat and stay where it’s safe. Make an appearance every once in a while, try to show the people I love that I love them without feeling like I’m trying to be something I’m not. The girls I’ve tried to be all haunt me, I’m just trying not to be a ghost of myself anymore.

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Give Yourself A Break

If you read my post where I documented all of my negative thoughts in 24 hours, you’ll know that I have a lot of negative thoughts about myself. We are so hard on ourselves. And this is on top of the weight that the world is already putting on our shoulders. Responsibilities are always going to pile up, people are always going to disappoint you, and life is just not going to go as planned.

But that’s okay. Seriously, give yourself a break.

You can’t control the actions of others. You can’t control how people treat you, you can’t control life’s unforeseen twists and turns. And you can’t punish yourself for the things you can’t control. Sometimes people are just going to suck and sometimes bad things are just going to happen.

For the things you can control, be realistic. You can’t always control every aspect of your job, you can’t just quit when time’s get tough. You can’t always control how much time you have in a day to just be yourself. But you can empower yourself to learn how to deal with it better, to speak up for yourself, or to make changes when change is necessary.

But you seriously need to give yourself a break.

Take one day this week to jot down every negative thing you thought about yourself. See how hard you’re being and how unrealistic you’re being. Because you deserve better from other people, but you definitely deserve better from yourself.

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24 Hours Of Negative Thoughts

Yesterday, I decided to write down every negative thought I had about myself or the things I can’t control. Because I know I’m greeting life’s challenges with a bad attitude and I want to change it, at least as much as I can. Here’s every bad thing I thought in a day, tomorrow I will begin to work on shortening this list and creating a more positive one. I want to greet the day with a better outlook and I want to stop being so hard on myself. So here it goes.

  1. Why am I always sick?
  2. My skin is so broken out.
  3. My skin is so dry.
  4. This would look better on me if I was skinny.
  5. I am not a morning person.
  6. I’m so tired of stupid people.
  7. This is the worst drive ever.
  8. I’m already annoyed and I haven’t even gotten to work yet.
  9. I should probably skip breakfast .
  10. I already know I’m going to be tired later.
  11. I put way too much work on my plate.
  12. No one even cares about my Instagram or blog.
  13. I wish people had a little more faith in me.
  14. I’d rather be asleep.
  15. I’m so selfish.
  16. I feel like crap.
  17. I wish I had more style…
  18. Meh.
  19. I wish I could just make a decision on my own.
  20. I told myself I was going to work out tonight but I’m probably just going to sit on the couch.
  21. I’m so lazy.
  22. I really need to start dieting.
  23. I am a pretty sucky girlfriend.
  24. * A LOT of thoughts about past actions *

This isn’t a post for people to pity me, it’s a challenge for all of us to just at least acknowledge all the bad things we say to ourselves every day. With that acknowledgement, maybe we can make a change.

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Living By The Judgement Of Others

I did a few things this summer that made me stop in my tracks and think “wow that was really fun!” I went to the beach and swam in the ocean, I jumped in the pool, and I went on a few rides at a carnival.

These are all very normal things that probably everyone has done at least once in their life, right? Well I have too. I used to spend my summers in the ocean and I’d jump at a chance to go in a pool. I loved stomach-drop rides and carnival food. But I hadn’t done any of those things in years.

College made me VERY aware of how often people judge each other. And because of that, I began to live by that judgment. I’ve never liked wearing a bathing suit and I like it even less now so I just stopped swimming. And I almost just stopped having juvenile fun that is normal for people to enjoy because I cut myself off from so many things in fear of judgement.

I went in the ocean and didn’t care if my stomach jiggled a little bit. And I went in the pool without minding the fact that people will see me without make up. And I screamed my head off on a tower of terror ride and then laughed about how insane it was with my friends. It made me kind of sad to realize I’ve been missing out on this child-like fun because of the pressure to be cool.

Seriously, even when you’re 25 there is a pressure to be a “cool kid.”

I can’t tell people to turn their lives around and stop living by the judgment of others -because it’s hard. By nature, we just want to fit in. But I hope everyone has one of those moments where they realize they’ve given up too much for the sake of being cool, because I’m a lot happier now that I jumped in the pool.

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How I Started My Style Over From Scratch

After many episodes of Queer Eye, I realized I had completely lost my style identity over the years. I am at a point in my life where my closet has a lot of influences, most of which don’t see very “me” anymore.

I have clothes from college when I was skinnier and going out a lot and I have clothes I bought because my sorority sisters looked good in them. I have internship clothes that don’t fit well and 9-5 clothes that are dreadfully boring. I have clothes I’ve bought because bloggers wear similar items. And I have clothes I bought that actually fit my never-going-to-stop-being-a-trendy-emo style.

I would scroll through my photos just completely unimpressed with how I presented myself through my outfits. As a creative person, style should be something I have fun with, not something I dread. So I started over.

I donated every t-shirt that I held on to for no reason and all the cheap internship clothes I bought because I didn’t actually need them full time yet. I sold the too-short dresses and the unflattering crop tops.

And piece by piece, when I found a good deal, price, and item I loved – I bought back a closet that felt more like me.

I looked up style inspo of people I admire and mirrored their styles with my own twist to take the work out of being a fashionista. I don’t have style naturally, I only know what I do and don’t like. Not how to put it all together.

And by getting my foot back in the door for my own style, I began to make other changes in my life. I changed my blog and social media look. I changed my attitude. I started getting back into my hobbies. It’s funny how one little change can spark a whole movement inside yourself, especially when you didn’t know why you felt so lost in the first place.

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Being An Introverted Blogger

When I think “blogger” I think of peppy, well dressed women with perfect hair and perfect lives. I think of people who aren’t afraid to network, talk on their Instagram stories, and go after what they want. I think of people who love making new friends and being surrounded by constant interaction.

Yet, I’m a blogger and none of those things describe me. I don’t think there are a lot of introverted bloggers out there. I don’t have a perfect life (but that’s kind of the purpose of this blog). I don’t like networking and it sounds awful but I don’t like making new friends.

I’ve forced myself out of my comfort zone a lot by being a blogger. In some ways, I think it’s been very helpful. I’ve built up the courage to speak to my audience and I’ve made connections with a lot of people. Even though it makes me uncomfortable, it’s all part of my mission. I just want to help and relate to people and I can’t just write things down and then hole up and not respond to those people I’m trying to reach.

It’s taken me years as a blogger to do things that some people are just naturally good at. When I first started blogging, I was vulnerable on my posts but that was when only 100 people were reading. Now I have to force myself to open up a little more and not care about the consequence. I write about doubting my relationship, job, life, and friends – things everyone in my personal life can read and judge me on. But it helps other people, so I’m going to keep pushing myself to do it.

When I started influencing on my Instagram, I had to first come to terms with the fact that not everyone is going to like my content. I don’t have the same perfection as other bloggers. I just started speaking on my Instagram stories a few months ago and just a few weeks ago I started sharing personal struggles in my Instagram captions. But I see people relate and it keeps me going.

It’s hard to be an introverted blogger – I have to push myself outside my box while still maintaining who I am. I’ve thought about stopping many times before, but it’s helping me better myself and introducing me to such wonderful people. What more could I ask for?

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The Grass Isn’t Always Greener

When I feel like something in my life is not quite right, I try to make big changes. It must be something that takes up a large amount of my day that’s making me feel unsettled, right? I must need a new job, I must need to move, I must need to evaluate my relationships.

But big changes are not something that should be taken lightly and don’t necessarily mean you’ll be happy with the results. The grass isn’t always greener when you start a new job at a new place from scratch. It’s not always greener in a different state. And it’s not always greener being single (definitely not greener being single because dating sucks).

It’s hard not to think about bigger and better things waiting for you, to settle into your life and just accept it. To make small, manageable changes that water your grass instead of hopping over a fence to find a new life.

I think especially when you are feeling like change needs to happen, it doesn’t need to happen fast. We can’t make rash decisions when our minds are unclear in the first place. Bloom where you are planted, stop trying to escape your garden and start trying to make it better.

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