Living By The Judgement Of Others

I did a few things this summer that made me stop in my tracks and think “wow that was really fun!” I went to the beach and swam in the ocean, I jumped in the pool, and I went on a few rides at a carnival.

These are all very normal things that probably everyone has done at least once in their life, right? Well I have too. I used to spend my summers in the ocean and I’d jump at a chance to go in a pool. I loved stomach-drop rides and carnival food. But I hadn’t done any of those things in years.

College made me VERY aware of how often people judge each other. And because of that, I began to live by that judgment. I’ve never liked wearing a bathing suit and I like it even less now so I just stopped swimming. And I almost just stopped having juvenile fun that is normal for people to enjoy because I cut myself off from so many things in fear of judgement.

I went in the ocean and didn’t care if my stomach jiggled a little bit. And I went in the pool without minding the fact that people will see me without make up. And I screamed my head off on a tower of terror ride and then laughed about how insane it was with my friends. It made me kind of sad to realize I’ve been missing out on this child-like fun because of the pressure to be cool.

Seriously, even when you’re 25 there is a pressure to be a “cool kid.”

I can’t tell people to turn their lives around and stop living by the judgment of others -because it’s hard. By nature, we just want to fit in. But I hope everyone has one of those moments where they realize they’ve given up too much for the sake of being cool, because I’m a lot happier now that I jumped in the pool.

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How I Started My Style Over From Scratch

After many episodes of Queer Eye, I realized I had completely lost my style identity over the years. I am at a point in my life where my closet has a lot of influences, most of which don’t see very “me” anymore.

I have clothes from college when I was skinnier and going out a lot and I have clothes I bought because my sorority sisters looked good in them. I have internship clothes that don’t fit well and 9-5 clothes that are dreadfully boring. I have clothes I’ve bought because bloggers wear similar items. And I have clothes I bought that actually fit my never-going-to-stop-being-a-trendy-emo style.

I would scroll through my photos just completely unimpressed with how I presented myself through my outfits. As a creative person, style should be something I have fun with, not something I dread. So I started over.

I donated every t-shirt that I held on to for no reason and all the cheap internship clothes I bought because I didn’t actually need them full time yet. I sold the too-short dresses and the unflattering crop tops.

And piece by piece, when I found a good deal, price, and item I loved – I bought back a closet that felt more like me.

I looked up style inspo of people I admire and mirrored their styles with my own twist to take the work out of being a fashionista. I don’t have style naturally, I only know what I do and don’t like. Not how to put it all together.

And by getting my foot back in the door for my own style, I began to make other changes in my life. I changed my blog and social media look. I changed my attitude. I started getting back into my hobbies. It’s funny how one little change can spark a whole movement inside yourself, especially when you didn’t know why you felt so lost in the first place.

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What’s Making You Unhappy?

Something just isn’t quite right…but I’m not sure what it is. Do you ever look at your life because something needs to change, but you can’t figure out what it is?

It seems like a lot of good things are lined up for me. I’ve had a lot of time with my family, a lot of fun on the weekends, and have been working on bettering myself. But then there seem to be twinges of things that are not just going right – but which of them are creating so much of an impact that it’s making me unhappy?

I’ve let a lot of projects die lately. I was saying yes to as many things as I could, I was writing in a gratitude journal, I was trying to be mindful. And I don’t think those things were making huge differences in my life, but ditching them could be behind my unhappiness.

Complacency has also been a huge struggle for me lately. I have been trying to get out of my appearance rut, but haven’t been able to change anything in my daily routine. I spend a lot of time wishing the days away and then sitting on my couch and watching Netflix all evening.

Even when I get to the weekend, I have ended up doing a lot of things by myself recently and occupying my own time. I’m normally all for it, but I had been pushing myself out of my anti-social box lately and now I feel like I’m walking in circles trying to make myself happy all by myself.

None of these are huge problems. I can’t point to one and say that it’s truly making a dent into my happiness. I guess it could be all these small pebbles creating one big mountain I can’t climb. Something just isn’t quite right, but I’m not sure what it is. What’s making you unhappy?

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Preparing For The Worst While Traveling

Traveling gives me a lot of anxiety. I’m normally a hot mess day of, even though I’ve done so much planning and coordinating to avoid any mishaps.

I prepare for the worst as best as I can. I have back up plans and we get to the airport extra early. I do a lot of research and ask for advice of people who have been there – but there are always things you can’t prepare for.

For this most recent trip, I got really sick. Like I was in the hospital on Wednesday night and we were leaving for Vancouver on Friday morning. I had been looking forward to this trip for months and I was at a point in my summer where I NEEDED to get away. The threat of this trip not happening probably made me sicker.

As a very cheap optimist, I didn’t buy flight insurance. I was gripping my stomach Friday morning waiting for the cab, still wondering if I should actually go. Will I be able to make it through a 10 hour day of travel? I had to weigh whether I could willingly give up the hundreds of dollars I spent versus putting myself through basically torture.

After this experience, yes, I will always buy flight insurance now. I’m not invincible. But I stomached it and went on the trip anyway, anticipating spending all my time in bed.

But I was able to pull through. I’m a major foodie so it has been quite a bummer to not enjoy all the yums Vancouver has to offer because I’m sick. But at least I got to enjoy this beautiful city and next time I travel I’ll be even more prepared.

Losing Who You Are

I just purged my closet. I gathered up at least 50% of the clothes I had and donated them. It seems a little drastic, but it needed to be done. I just don’t feel like myself anymore, I don’t even know who that person is.

I’ve gotten so caught up in so many webs. I’m tied to the version of myself that works a 9-5 job, the version of myself that is a friendly blogger, the version of myself that is a punk pop dork, the version of myself that kind of hates everyone, the version of myself that is a perfect girlfriend and dog mom, and the version of myself that just wants to lay in bed all day.

How can one person be pulled in so many different directions?

I looked at my closet and realized I didn’t identify with any of the clothing in there. I bought them because they’re work appropriate or because I see all the girls on Instagram wearing them. And then hidden inside were a few pieces that really felt like me and that just seemed wrong. Even if I’m going to be pulled in all of those directions, I can at least have a common thread.

So I bought a bunch of second hand clothes that felt like me (most of them in the color black…) and I’m starting fresh to find myself again. I have to admit I’ve been in an appearance slump for a while. I thought about drastically changing my hair, I’ve gone to the gym a lot more, but nothing was really hitting the spot for me. I also have to admit that I’ve been watching a lot of Queer Eye lately which has inspired me to stop being so hard on myself and to just try to love myself. Even if I have a thousand versions of me, I have to love my core.

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Vancouver Advice Needed!

I’m heading to Vancouver in a couple of weeks for a couple of days! I’m looking for any and all recommendations on what to do, what to see, and where to eat!

I enjoy (easy) hikes, all seafood and sweets, beautiful views, and fun wall murals (I am a blogger after all)!

Thanks in advance for any advice you can offer! 🙂

Xoxo

Rosie

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