Living With Migraines

I’ve suffered for migraines since my young teens. And for a while I thought it was just something that everyone gets. We all have headaches, we all have migraines, I just get mine more than other people.

But while most people have had headaches, they don’t know the debilitation of a migraine. When the ONLY way to get rid of the pulsing pain in your head is to take excedrin, put a cold wash cloth on your head, and sleep. And if you can’t do that, then you just have to spend your day with your migraine. All light is sensitive and all noises are louder than usual. You’re probably nauseous and cranky, it feels like someone is stabbing you in the brain. And you have to work through it, because that’s life with migraines.

You know when someone’s had a migraine before when you tell them you have one and they give you the “I’m so sorry” face. You know when someone hasn’t had a migraine before when you tell them you have one and they’re confused as to why a headache has you couch-ridden.

My migraines are stress induced and I’m stressed out…a lot. In college, every hangover wasn’t just accompanied by that dehydrated splitting headache, but a full blown migraine putting pressure on my temples. Every work day that goes south too fast has me laying on the couch as soon as 5pm hits. Any weekend where I had a stressful sleep includes me trying to shake off the migraine all morning long.

Migraines take time out of my day and they’ve definitely kept me from doing some things I’ve wanted to do. Almost every time we travel, I’m graced with a migraine when we land. Which means our first day of the trip is either miserably powering through or sleeping it off.

The people who don’t have them don’t get it, the people who have them get it too much.

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Are Broken Hearted People Worth The Time?

I’m not scared of dating because it’s difficult. I’ve been through plenty of awkward situations in my life, I’ve definitely learned to laugh it off.

I’m scared to date because I’m difficult. I immediately wave off every person I meet as uninteresting because I know that they won’t put in the effort that it will take to get me out of my shell.

It’s why we text our exes when we’re sad. It’s why we think of the people who’ve gotten us out of our shell before instead of venturing to meet new people.

You have to put in time with broken hearted people. It’s not because we’re high maintenance or girls that don’t want to be tied down. It’s because we’re literally terrified of ending up at rock bottom again because of a boy.

And I personally just don’t see someone I randomly met off of Bumble looking at me and thinking “yea, I’m gonna make this girl believe again.”

We don’t need you to put our pieces back together, we don’t need you to support us – we’ve learned to do it all on our own. We need you to grant us independence, we want you to lend a helping hand. We want you to make us believe again.

We’re not running away because we’re scared of commitment. We’re running away because we don’t think we’re worth the effort. Because it’ll take a lot of muscle to get us to stay in one place. It’ll take a lot of time to get us to believe in the kind of love you want to give us.

We want to meet someone who can tie us down. But I can’t expect anyone to put that kind of effort into someone so flakey, like me. I just can’t put that much pressure on one person. It’s not fair of me to push off the baggage that other people left on my shoulders onto someone else.

So we stay single because we don’t have the time. And you don’t have the time to change that.

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Why You Should Probably Delete Tinder

I don’t think there are many reasons behind why we use social media. Sure, you can use it for your branding, to meet people, to read the news – but we mostly use it because we’re bored.

Tinder is no exception.

My generation loves instant gratification. We love getting likes on our pictures and retweets and favorites. We like being able to see right away how much people like us, or how funny they think we are, or how pretty they think we are. So when Tinder came out, it was kind of all of that instant gratification rolled into one.

All it took was a swipe to see if a boy you think is cute also thinks you’re cute. You can rack up your matches swipe by swipe. You can receive messages that instantly tell you how you look like so much fun, you have a great smile, I want to get to know you.

Unless you’re actually using Tinder to date (and not just hook up) maybe you should delete your app now. Instant gratification doesn’t get you very far. It picks you up out of your dreary mood for a few minutes until you realize you don’t like this person, you don’t want to talk to them, and matching with them didn’t solve any of your problems.

Disclaimer: I’m not deleting my Tinder app.

Partly because I always convince myself that I will eventually use it for dating. And partly because yeah, I love instant gratification. When I’m bored and in my sweats and feeling like a hot mess, my pictures on Tinder show me at my best and boys give me attention as soon as I open the app and swipe right. I’m one step closer to realizing how completely empty this is, but I’m not quite convinced yet.

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We’re Always Changing And It’s Not Always Bad

I’ve been in this world for 22 years now.  That’s approximately 1/4 of a lifetime. To some, it may seem like that’s nothing – like I’ve been here for an hour when they’ve been here for a year. To people my age, it’s a lot and time doesn’t seem to be slowing down.

In my lifetime, I’ve seen at least six different versions of myself. I’ve gone from bubbly and weird to unhappy and introverted to secure and happy to insecure and kind of happy. I took on different traits and hobbies that I inherited from who I was with in the moment. I became someone I liked, someone I hated, and someone I couldn’t even recognize.  But that’s part of life – we’re always changing.

I have a hard time believing in marriage and relationships because of this.  I guess when you find the right person, you change together.  But I find myself changing so often that I don’t know how anyone could ever keep up.

There are different stages of our lives that require different versions of ourselves. I was happy being a single girl who liked to party and socialize. That was fine in college, but that part of myself didn’t transfer well into my postgrad life.  I can see myself changing, picking up pieces of my past and mixing them with pieces of my present, and it’s scary to know that something that once made you happy doesn’t make you happy anymore.

But a better word for change is adapt. We’re adapting, we do what we do to survive.  Although there may be awkward periods of time where we aren’t always secure and happy with ourselves, you can work up to who you want to be and what fits into your new lifestyle. Change isn’t always bad as long as you embrace it instead of running away.

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