Getting In Your Own Way

I once read that anxiety tortures you twice, it hits you leading up to the thing you see anxious about and then you have anxiety once that thing actually occurs. Double the anxiety for one thing.

I’ve always gotten in my own way on things. I had actually given up on the job I currently have the moment I hung up on the second interview. I didn’t follow up, I knew I wasn’t going to succeed at the job and they weren’t going to want me.

But now I have that job and it’s arguably the best job I’ve ever had.

That doesn’t stop me from beating myself up about it every day. Wondering if I’m good enough, what they think about me, if I deserve this.

It’s a theme across my life. If my fiancé hadn’t given me an enormous amount of space and power in our relationship, we wouldn’t be together. Because even though we’ve been together for 5 years, lived together for 4, have 2 dogs, and are going to get married – I still second guess myself every step of the way.

Is this what I want my life to be? Am I going to hurt him? Is something going to go wrong? Is it going to be my fault?

It’s extremely exhausting to double-worry about every thing in my life even though things are going much better than I can see.