I’m In A Relationship With Myself

photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/sharif/

You’re supposed to go to college.  You’re supposed to graduate.  You’re supposed to get a 9-5 job. You’re supposed to be in a relationship. You’re supposed to get married.  You’re supposed to buy a home. You’re supposed to have kids. You’re supposed to retired. You’re supposed to die.

They’re unwritten supposed to’s, but I’m kind of over doing what is expected of me when I don’t find it to be rewarding at all.

The thought of dating makes me really uneasy for many reasons. I’ve been in a relationship that crashed and burned and left me abandoned in the wreckage.  I see people staying in relationships out of comfort and because that’s what they’re “supposed to” do. A lot of the marriages I encounter have either ended or should have ended a while ago.

I worry that I’ll settle. Or I’ll miss out on meeting and falling in love with the perfect person because I settled. I’m worried that someone will try and change me. And I’m sorry, I don’t want kids and it’s not because I’m “still young.” I worry I’ll sacrifice myself for someone else.

I also really just enjoy my alone time.  I want to be the best version of myself before I even think of trying to make someone else happy.  I can barely make a phone call without stuttering. I have a hard time waking up before 11 am if I don’t have to. I start a diet every week that ends in me binge eating pizza. These are all things I’m working on and I’m working on alone.

I’m trying to put all of my thoughts together and I don’t want to text someone 24/7. I barely want to be in my own head or talk to my mom as soon as I wake up. What’s up? The same thing that was “up” 20 minutes ago, I’m watching reality tv because I don’t like my current reality.

I’m trying to start my career – but I don’t want it to be a 9-5 that has me pining for the weekend and ultimately spending most of my life waiting for something else. It’s hard to find the job I want and I don’t want to have to worry about I’m wearing to my coffee date this weekend.

I’m trying to do a lot of things for me and you just look like an obstacle.